The Marauders' Guide to Life
by BlackBells
Summary: If you need advice there's no one better equipped than the Marauders. And they may find a little advice from you proves beneficial as well. Pen name changed from SiriusLoverr to BlackBells!
1. Chapter 1

You know you all want to be like the Marauders. Well, here is their guide to anything and everything under the planet. I'll start off with the basic things: girls/love, pranking, friendship, werewolves, etc.

If you have a topic you think I should do, let me know! Because the list could pretty much be inexhaustible.

Normal: Prongs/James

**Bold:** Padfoot/Sirius

_Italicized:_ Moony/Remus

_**Bold and italicized:**_ Wormtail/Peter

* * *

* * *

Hi everyone, the Marauders here!

**Now we all know you think we're smooth with the ladies, so we thought we'd give you a few tips. **

Now, if you haven't got lucky yet, don't despair! We have the best tricks of the trade that'll have you becoming the sex god of your school soon enough.

**Unless, of course, you look like Peter.**

Right. In which case, well…good luck to you.

Now, if you're like me – **or me** – or Sirius, you've already got the looks. All you need is the confidence.

_On the other hand, if you're nothing like either of those two idiots, there's still hope. Not everyone goes for arrogant pricks._

**Each to his own, Moony. **

All we're saying is, typically, girls tend to go for the...better-looking guys.

**Not that you're not good-looking, Moony.**

_Of course._ _I take it as a compliment that I'm not as much of a moron as you, Padfoot._ _You see, looks is one thing, but if you really want to have a relationship with a girl, you have to come across as a genuinely nice person with a great personality._

**No way that'll work. That'll get you loads of **_**friends**_**, Moony, but it won't get you laid.**

That's right.

_Alright, I guess readers can take their pick of advice. _

* * *

**Pick up lines**

Well, I usually like to go with something cool and confident, like "hey you're looking great this morning! Care to go for a stroll with me around the grounds?" Now, if you look like me…windswept messy black hair, tall, lithe and drop dead gorgeous, you won't need to do anything else other than walk up to them. But a sexy grin and a flirtatious wink will never do any harm.

**Well sure, that could work. But I tend to think it's too…subtle. The girl would tend to think that all you want to do is literally 'take a stroll' in the grounds. If you want to get some action, which I'm guessing you do, you really need to get past the whole polite introduction stage and explicitly state what it is exactly you want to do. Consider this ideal situation:**

**Tall, sexy, dark-haired bad boy (or you could just imagine…me): Hi, I'm . Wanna fuck?**

**Now, if they're a little more innocent (we all know the virgins are the best), then you could always just play it down a little. The suggestive pick up line works, because they can never tell if you're really implying it, or its just a coincidence. For instance, throw in a reference to 'the astronomy tower'…**

Pads, that's not subtle or even suggestive. 'The astronomy tower' yells loud and clear "I want to have raunchy sex with you in the dead of the night."

**Not to those who haven't 'experienced' the astronomy tower, Prongs. In fact, that's a perfect example, because it allows you to pretend you're passionate about star-gazing. And, hoping that your significant other knows little about it, you can stun her with your ability to point out all the constellations in the southern hemisphere.**

_That's probably not the best idea, Pads. After all, we're in the northern hemisphere._

**Right, well, whatever floats your boat. It's not like they'll really notice anyway, they'll be too busy 'gazing' at you. If you look like me, that is.**

Or me.

**Or James.**

_Right, well now these too professionals have shared with you their extensive and fail-proof methods, I shall try and give some advice that would perhaps serve you a little better if you're looking for more than a one-night stand._

_A lot of girls get turned off by explicit pick up lines. In fact, I'd suggest not even using pick up lines. They're corny, and the majority of the time, they don't work. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not the pick up lines that work for James and Sirius, but the fact that most girls want to say they've 'gone to the astronomy tower' with them. For us blokes perhaps not quite as gifted in the looks department – gifted, of course, but prefer to emphasise other attributes – it's better to get to know someone first._

_There is, of course, the classic introduction. If you notice someone standing by themselves, looking a little lost, you could offer some help. School is a perfect surrounding really, because you can always use the excuse that you need help with homework, or offer to help them with homework. Because there's pretty much a never-ending supply of it._

Amen.

_And it helps being smart, because then people come to you. Some of my relationships started because I was assigned as a tutor to someone who wasn't doing as well in Transfiguration. _

_Anyway, I'm venturing into the next topic of 'Dates' here. Wormtail here has some tips he'd like to offer first._

_**Oh, right, yes. Well, sometimes, the best thing to do is…wait for someone to use a pick up line on you. If you don't know how to use pick up lines…**_

**Yep, that's the tip of the week to get you in bed with the hottest girl in school! Anyway, we've forgotten James' classic pick-up line.**

My classic pick-up line?

_Oh yes! How could we forget: "Will you go out with me?"_

What? It's straight and to the point.

**And you use it ten times a day.**

_To the same person._

Well, the best tip I can give is don't give up! If you ask the same person enough times, they'll come around…After a very, very long time…

**Or not at all. So I strongly suggest you ask as many people as possible.**

_Or ask the right person, in the right way._

* * *

**Dates**

**Well, I personally hate dates.**

Why's that?

**Because generally you have to sit through them to get to the good part.**

Oh, that's true.

**Unless you skip the date part.**

Hmm. Well, I guess you could take Padfoot's advice and skip a date, but I find dates are often the perfect opportunity to show off your vast knowledge, talent, skill and sharp wit.

_Gosh, how long must your dates last? A lot of convincing would have to be pulled off there…_

Oh, it's easy. Just pick something you're great at and waffle on about it. They probably won't be listening anyway, but it'll make you seem intelligent. I, for instance, use Quidditch. Girls love it when I describe my dazzling feats on the broom and the way I smash Slytherin every time we play. And then, I go into great detail about all the injuries I've had, and they immediately go ga-ga.

Then, you can always show off practically. Sometimes, I invite my dates to Quidditch games, where they can see me in motion. And then, once the game's finished, you win them over with the dazzling "oh, I don't think I'd have caught that snitch if you hadn't been there watching me!"

_Yeah, cos your screaming girlfriends totally give you the concentration necessary to find the snitch._

Shut up, Moony. Anyway, continuing on…

Now, I have a set rulebook when it comes to dates.

**James Potter has a rulebook?**

Of course. I go on a maximum of five dates. If I haven't had any action by then, I pull out.

_So pretty much, you try and get as much out of them as possible on each date?_

No. First date I start nice and gentle – perhaps a make-out session.

_**Gentle?!?!?!**_

**Well as opposed to screwing someone's brains out, Wormtail, I'd say that's pretty mild.**

_I personally agree with Wormtail. I wouldn't even think of doing that on the first date! I've always stuck with a good old-fashioned peck on the cheek._

**And that, ladies and gentleman, is why Remus Lupin has never been screwed on his first date.**

_Padfoot, dates are NOT all about having sex!_

**You're kidding me, of course they are! **

_Not they're not! Dates are about getting to know people, and about them getting to know you. _

**Oh please, do go on. I'm fascinated.**

_Your sarcasm is wasted on me, Padfoot. Anyway, Hogsmeade is a great time for dates, because there's not much effort involved, and if the date doesn't work out, well, all your friends will be there anyway, so you can always give them the excuse that you planned to meet someone else. _

**Yeah Moony, me and you, in the shrieking shack, 7pm. What do you say?**

_I say, I'm terribly sorry Pads, but I'm not that way inclined. Maybe you'd have better luck with Peter. But continuing from before your interruption, there are plenty of other opportunities for dates round Hogwarts. There are usually balls once or twice a year, at Halloween for example, and Christmas. If you can manage to ask someone to one, then you've got your first date covered! Although, it can be quite stressful, but it's worth it…_

Yeah, when they walk down the stairs in their beautiful dress…

**Anyone would think you were a romantic, Prongs!**

Never!

_It's not a bad thing. Girls like it. _

Yeah, the whole knight in shining armour act works wonders.

_Alright, I think a good thing to do would be to think of date situations, and we can figure out the best way to deal with them._

**Awesome! Righteo, I've got one. You're taking her shirt off, when you realise that –**

_Padfoot, DATE situations. We haven't got to that part yet. We all know you like to get straight to the chase, but let's just take it one step at a time, for the sake of our readers. And Peter. _

Yeah, how about…you're on a date with her and her ex-boyfriend shows up.

**Oh that's a good one. That happens to me a lot.**

Yeah that's because you've pretty much dated every girl in the school. More than once.

**And proud of it. Anyway, what I usually tend to do is, right when they walk past, bring her in for a passionate kiss, to piss him off…**

And that's how Padfoot gets 'black' eyes.

_Shut up, Prongs. But I suppose, without the awful pun, it's true. And not the best thing to do. I tend to act as though we're just friends, so that he won't punch my eyes out. _

**But that's because you're a wuss, Moony! Besides, after he beats you up, you pretend to act hurt and shocked, and then they take you to their room to 'look after you.' **

_Alright, moving on now. How about another situation: you're on a date and James Potter walks past. _

Why is that a problem?

_Because, who doesn't luuuuurve James Potter?_

Sounds like you have a problem with me, Moony.

_Only when you attempt to steal my dates._

I do nothing of the sort! I can't help it that girls try and jump me wherever I go!

_**It is true.**_

_Don't support him, Peter! He's a girlfriend stealer! And we're supposed to be giving advice here!_

**Hmm. Maybe, if you got me to walk past instead…**

_No._

**Seriously. They wouldn't be able to choose between us. "Hmm, should I go for the Quidditch heartthrob or the sexy bad boy?" The choice would be so difficult, they'd be forced to give up and return to you. It's brilliant, really.**

_I will not be given leftovers. In fact, here is Remus Lupin's Handy Hint no. 1: Do NOT date someone who is obsessed with either James Potter or Sirius Black. And I think that brings us to the end of our first installment. For more date situations and advice on girls, drop us a line. I'm pretty sure there's a lot we haven't covered yet, so the next instalment will continue on from here!_

**And if you need advice on anything else, just let us know. Girls, particularly, if you're having boy troubles, I'd love to help you out…**

We're not here to offer that sort of help, Padfoot.

**We're not? Why did I sign up, then?**

_Because you're a kind-hearted young man who likes to help people out._

* * *

Alright, hopefully I'll be back soon! Please review and tell me if you think I should continue or not, it was kinda a spur of the moment idea! And let me know if there's any 'issues' they should address, etc.

**SiriusLoverr**


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to: LadyKnightSusan, Sweet Sadie, HarryRonHermione07, Mr. Prongs (and Mr. Padfoot hehe), IceSnowAndGlamour, hippolina97, Mood-chan and LupinLycanLover.

To avoid confusion, I am renaming the chapters so they're just 'Chapter 1, 2, 3' and so on. Thanks to the people who asked questions! From now on, if I get any the Marauders will answer them in the next chapter. If there are none, I'll just run with my creative imagination! Thanks to Mood-chan for the suggestion to put Lily in here as well. I guess she'll give an…alternative, that is to say, _better_, perspective on certain things.

To **LupinLycanLover** (your pen name reminds me of the movie Underworld…I love that film…anyway): I will deal with school related stuff soon!

Please note Peter was previously _**bold and italicized**_, now Lily will be, and Peter will be **bold and underlined**.

Anyhow, keep the questions and/or reviews coming:

SiriusLoverr

* * *

**Installment 2**

**As usual with my stories:**

James is normal

**Sirius is bold**

_Remus is italicised_

And I just mentioned the changes for Peter/Lily.

* * *

Welcome back everyone, so glad to see our advice is appreciated.

**Indeed, some people even wrote in asking us questions! **

And a special request asking Lily Evans to join our team.

**Now, as much as we objected to it…**

_**I am now here. To prevent these arses from giving you advice that could completely ruin your life.**_

_James and Sirius, you mean._

_**Well, of course. You and I, Remus will endeavor to save humanity from the sick and twisted minds of your so-called friends.**_

Well, you can pick the advice you want. Lily would like everyone to know that her favourite type of guy is the dark-haired Quidditch captain with the adorable –

_**In your dreams, Potter. Anyway, let's get to answering some of these questions first of all. **_

* * *

"How come boys are all about sex? Why don't they ever want to know you?" (thanks to Sweet Sadie)

* * *

**Of course we want to know you!**

_**I think our definition of 'knowing' is quite different to yours, Sirius. You can't honestly tell me you go for girls for things other than sex?**_

**My relationships will remain private!**

As they do when you announce every morning to the Great Hall who you slept with last night.

_Well, I'd like to answer this question, if you don't mind. Sirius' love life doesn't interest me in the slightest._

**That's not the impression I got last night, Moony old pal suggestive wink**

_Padfoot, if you ever wonder why people think you're gay… Anyway, to the person who asked that question, the answer is that not all guys are all about sex. I know how it can seem that way, with idiots like these two around, but the reality is there are plenty of guys out there who are willing to genuinely get to know you. _

Remus, come on. We know you're not asexual.

_As do I. I'm just saying that I don't have sex on the brain 24/7. _

Well, neither do I. I'd say about…20/7.

**What do you have on the brain for those extra three hours?**

Four.

**Huh?**

Four hours, Padfoot. And those I spend actually _having_ sex, for your information.

**Four whole hours? Every day? Oh you sicken me, why you perverted little boy…**

Oh you're just jealous.

**Of course I bloody well am! Sheesh, how d'you…that's just…**

* * *

If a boy continuously asks you out, and you have no romantic interest in them whatsoever, how do you get them off your back? (Sweet Sadie again)

* * *

_**Wow, seems like I could've written that question myself. **_

Why, someone giving you trouble, Lils? I'll make sure to give em a good thrashing.

_**Looks like you'll be in a lot of pain tonight, Potter. Remus, what do you suggest?**_

Now Moony, be careful how you answer this one.

_James, we spoke about this earlier. I will not suggest to Lily, I mean, the person who wrote in…ahem…that she, what was it? Ah yes, "passionately kiss them" every time he asks her. _

Well, that's what I think she should do…this uh, particular person.

**But remember, Prongs, this 'person' has 'no romantic interest in them whatsoever'. **

But that's exactly the point! If they only decided to give it a try, they'd find that the guy was, in actual fact, the most gorgeous creature they'd ever come across and at coming into contact with his smooth, soft lips, she'd find herself falling head over heels in love with him.

_**I hate to say this, but to whoever sent in this question, there is no answer. Well, there is a wrong answer, and that is Potter's. However, in my own **_**extensive**_** experience, I have found that nothing you do really works. Because, in most cases, the guy is an absolute prat who finds nothing more thrilling than humiliating you at every turn, making sure no decent guy will ever get anywhere near you, and—**_

Ouch.

_**Oh you're quite welcome, Potter. So, to this girl, I hope that sooner or later you leave school and get out of the clutches of this annoyance as soon as possible. Because as long as he's around, well, I think the only way of getting him off your back is to actually bring about his death. Which I have contemplated doing several times. Only my sense of honour and decency have prevented it.**_

**Watch out, 'Potter', she's an evil one, that Lily Evans. **

* * *

What do you think I should do if I like/am dating someone that my friend likes and/or is dating? (Mood-Chan)

* * *

**Well that one's easy. You don't date girls your friends like, or are dating. It's against the rules.**

_**What rules?**_

**The Marauder rules. We do have a sense of moral integrity, you know.**

_**Who would've believed it.**_

No, it's true. Padfoot here would never dream of thinking of you in that way Lily, because I already do.

_**Ok, I really don't want to hear yet again Potter, about your so-called 'feelings' for me. But I must say, I am impressed. Although this person obviously wants help. She can't just…stop liking them. **_

_That's true. I guess you'd just have to suppress it. I mean, if your friend got there first, then of course you can't barge straight in. Friendship is more important than girls, anyway. _

Amen to that.

**Wow Prongs, never though I'd ever see the day when you put something above Lily Evans. **

_**Well he's right, isn't he.**_

Did I just hear you correctly? Agreeing with me?

_**Yes, Potter, enjoy it while it lasts. **_

_Alright, let's answer one final question, shall we?_

Mm, alright. Is it a tricky one?

* * *

Are some guys into rounder women, or do you boys just go for the skinny ones? (Sweet Sadie)

* * *

**By round, does this person mean fat? **

I…guess so?

_**No, you prats. Translation into idiot speak: 'are you guys so incredibly shallow as to go for women who starve themselves or do you actually like women with self respect?'**_

**Uh…**

What do you mean, women who starve themselves?

_**Well I guess women who are stupid enough to think that they look better when their rib cages are showing? Because guys like you give the impression that women who weigh over 40kg are not worth their time? **_**[A/N: 40 kg, of course, being in metric measurements…I'm from Australia**

I'd hope you weigh over40 kilos…

_**Of course I do, I'm not one of **_**them**_**, am I? Anyway, I can't answer this question, you guys should. It's directed at you, after all.**_

_Well, I can say personally that I'm not into the super skinny ones. I go more for how funny a girl is, anyway…I guess you could say their 'personality'. They're not all that attractive, and if they're doing it just to get guys, then it seems a little desperate really. But of course, if they have a genuine problem…then I have nothing against them. _

Mm I'm in agreement with Remus. I prefer a woman with curves. How about you, Padfoot?

**Uh…**

That's code for 'I sleep with anyone who wants me.'

**Hey! Don't make me sound like some sort of prostitute! **

_**Are you saying you like skinny girls?**_

**Well I must agree that curvier girls are way sexier. Like you, Lily, for example –**

Woah, hold up a second!

_**Yeah, weren't we just talking about your **_**moral integrity**_**…not coming on to girls your friends liked?**_

**I'm not coming onto you! Unless, of course, you'd like me to…**

I would pummel you to the ground.

**Oh lay off, I'm only joking. Well, not really, I mean I can totally see why James is in love with y—**

That's quite enough, Padfoot.

_I think, Lily, that what Sirius was trying to say, was that you are not one of those annoying stick-insects that starve themselves to look good for people like him._

_**Well, that's good to know. So, is that all the questions?**_

_For now, I think. Perhaps we'll have some more to answer next time. _

**I'm rather enjoying this, I must say. **

Well I'm sure you will once we get up to our segment on 'How to excel in your school exams.'

**Yeah I must say I'd be of more use in the 'How to pass your school exams by a hair's breadth by doing absolutely nothing.' **

_Well, I think we shall wrap up now. But Peter, is there anything you'd like to add? You haven't contributed much advice this time!_

**I don't think I'm going to pass my school exams.**

**No worries! We can give you (and others in your predicament) the skills by which to master the art of…oh wait, you said school exams. Well, James, Remus and Lily can give you the skills by which to master the art of study success. But that's coming later, I think.**

Yes, next segment I think we'll continue on from here. If you have any more questions, feel free to drop us a line via a review. We'll finish off all things girls, perhaps share a few dating disasters of our own for you to laugh at, and then we'll start getting into the wonders (and horrors) of school.

**Which is basically the same as girls.**

Well, yes. That is true. But there's pranking, don't forget. And teachers, and…yeah, girls. Well, Lily. I could devote an entire segment just to her…

_**Yes, and I can give you advice on how to ask me out so I say yes!**_

Really?

_**No, turnip-brain. I'd rather live in a garbage can with Peter. **_

**Oh, I really wouldn't, Lily. The garbage, perhaps. But Peter's indigestion habits are most –**

_**I'd rather live in a garbage can with Peter.**_

* * *

Ah this story is a dream come true…Marauders banter for whole entire chapters! Anyway, if you have any questions (just make them up, I know that they're not personal or whatever) just put them in a review or message or something. And if I don't get any I'll make some up anyway. So next chapter will be wrapping up dating/girls etc. and the chapter after that will probably start on school stuff, thanks to LupinLycanLover for that idea.

If you have the time, reviews would be absolutely awesome. They make my day when I take a break from study and check my email inbox. Well, more like they distract me. But that's a good thing! Unlike Sirius, I shall hopefully not be passing by a hair's breadth.

**Which is totally why you're spending hours writing fanfictions instead of studying.**

Yes. Because this is my 'break.' cough


	3. Chapter 3

ChainOfEvents1265

Messrs Padfoot and Prongs

HarryRonHermione07

LadyKnightSusan

RhiannonVega

Mood-chan

IceSnowAndGlamour

Sweet Sadie – thanks especially for the many questions!

wHoS rAb

debzzz

Thanks for the reviews and questions!!!

As you guys know, I reply to all reviews etc. Keep them coming, they're great! Plus they give me ideas for the next chapters.

* * *

James: normal 

Sirius: **bold**

Remus: _italicized_

Lily: _**bold and italicized**_

Peter:** bold and underlined**

* * *

**Installment 3**

**Welcome back, everyone, to the Marauders' Guide to Life!**

**[We made Peter do the intro. Otherwise he'd never get an opportunity to say anything at all**

Today we'll once again be answering all your questions, which we have been debating to no end.

_Remember, next week we're starting school stuff. So if you have any questions about anything to do with school…we're the ones to ask. _

**Yeah, seeing as we rule it.**

_**You do not rule the school. **_

**Lily, as much as I hate to be all conceited and egotistical…we do. **

After all, that's why we're answering questions. Who would want their questions answered by some low-life reject?

_**I'm sure they give more stimulating answers than you do.**_

**Oh, forgive me Miss I'm-so-intelligent, I'm only an incapable idiot who finds it hard to string a sentence together. **

_**Well, you do bring it upon yourself, you know. **_

**I don't see the point in working tirelessly to top the class and ruin my social reputation, when I can work less and do almost as well. **

Sirius is incredibly intelligent, you know Lily. He's never once screamed out another girl's name during sex.

_**Truly extraordinary.**_

**It is. You, Lily, would probably not understand –**

_**Because I don't fuck every guy in the school? Hmm yeah, I can see how it can be incredibly confusing for you. All those names, all those faces…**_

**Once again, I am made out to be a male prostitute. **

_**I know, I really don't know where people get these strange ideas from. **_

* * *

There's a girl I really like. We're really good friends, and she thinks of me as a brother. That's the problem. I want to become more than a brother to her. Any advice? - ChainOfEvents1265

* * *

_**Well we all know Sirius can't answer this question. He doesn't have any girl friends. **_

**That is not true! I have plenty!**

_**Name one you haven't slept with.**_

**You?**

_**I'm hardly a 'friend' Sirius.**_

Ouch!

**That cut me real deep, Lily. **

_**I'm sure. Well let's see, I've sort of had this situation before, except I was the one he liked. My best friend asked me out. This is definitely not going to help you, but I must say it didn't work out. **_

**I know why! You didn't sleep with him!**

_**Of course not, you dimwit, because I didn't like him in the first place. I had to try and let him down gently without hurting his feelings. I think that there could be definite down sides to letting this guy know you like him, because if he doesn't, it'll just be really awkward. And friendship, of course, should be put first. **_

_You could probably tell if he did, maybe he'd show some signs or something. On the other hand, he may have secretly loved you for years and been too scared to say a word._

_**Yeah, it's a tough call, this one. It could either be the best or worst thing to happen to you!**_

Hang on…who was this guy, the best friend?

_**Oh, Matt O'Donoghue…why?**_

Isn't he that guy you were going out with last year?

_**No…**_

Yes, he was. You told me you were going out with him!

_**Of course I did, Potter, you wouldn't leave me alone. **_

You pretended to go out with him?

_**Oh get over it, Potter. In fact, I'm quite sure you did. You were caught making out with Mary Macarthur in the broom closet the day after I told you. **_

**Macarthur? Sweet Merlin, how'd you get her to go in there with you? I've been trying for years; she won't give me the time of day!**

The James Potter charm, Pads. Works every time.

_**Yeah, that's the secret to everything. We'll eliminate world poverty with the James Potter charm. **_

Well I don't know about that, but it sure gets the girls. I know that even you secretly love it. Seriously, go out with me.

**Seriously**_**, Potter, I'd rather –**_

**Live in a garbage can with Peter. We've already established this. **

_**Well I was going to say I'd rather go out with you, Black. But come to think of it, that may have been a little harsh. **_

**Oh, I wouldn't blame you. I'm the better looking Marauder.**

My fan club's bigger.

_**And you're both morons! Gosh, I think you tie!**_

_Actually, James, your fan club isn't bigger. _

Yes it is!

_No, the JFC and SFC have merged into the JSFC. As of…yesterday. _

No!

_Yes. _

No really, I mean no! Now there'll be five hundred screaming girls following me around instead of two hundred and fifty!

**I think I'll rather enjoy it…**

* * *

Why do guys think they're so great? – IceSnowAndGlamour

* * *

_**Yeah I'm really not clued up on this one. They're moronic, idiotic, treat women like shit, and consider it the ultimate prize to be able to eat the most treacle tart without throwing up.**_

_Yeah, Padfoot has won that for the past four years. _

**I'm the ultimate man. **

_**I'm glad you agree with me. Now, care to enlighten this young lady as to why exactly you think you're so great?**_

**Well I'm just simply fabulous, darling. **

_Ok, that was just way too gay for me to handle. _

**Oh relax, I'm as straight as a Quidditch post.**

_**And as thick as one.**_** [A/N: I don't actually know how thick Quidditch posts are. But just go with it hehe **

**Sorry, what was that, Lily dear? Did I hear another implication of my lack of intelligence?**

_**Oh, no, far from it. I was simply referring to your expanding waistline. **_

**My WHAT?!**

Mm, yeah it looks like you've been putting on the pounds lately, Padfoot.

_Eating too much treacle tart, I imagine._

**Oh come off it, I have abs of steel. And that is, of course, why I think I'm so great. There's also the fact that I'm immensely attractive. My hair, in particular –**

_-- is bloody annoying?_

I'll bet.

_**Like you can talk, Potter. Your hair is much worse. At least Sirius' looks nice.**_

**Why thank you.**

_He spends hours on it every morning. _

Why is my hair worse?

_**Because it's so damn messy!**_

_It really is, Prongs. _

I happen to think it looks great!

_**That's what happens when you're delusional, Potter. You know, I think I have the answer! Guys think they're so great because they're too stupid to tell otherwise. **_

Ok, seriously, why would we think we're better than you?

_**Well for a start, guys think they can use girls for sex, and dump them without a second thought.**_

**Girls do that too, Lily. **

_**I'm generalizing here.**_

Hey! That's not fair! And not all guys think they're so great, anyway. A lot of them are emotionally insecure. Not all of them are as hot as us, you know.

_**Oh god, here we go again. I'm pretty sure the question WAS directed at you anyway. **_

Oh. I actually…don't think I'm that great, Lily. Really. I don't know why everyone thinks that.

_**Well, when you parade around Hogwarts like you're the hottest thing on earth what impression would people get do you think? **_

**Oh, Lily, Lily. It's just a cover! Underneath, he's an emotionally troubled teenage boy, pining the death of his parents, grandparents, and his second cousin twice removed who died in a supposed car accident two years ago but who were actually brutally murdered by the dark lord Voldywart. He lives on the street and is forced to make a living as a male escort in order to survive, and every night he sneaks into the bathroom to cut himself because he blames himself for their deaths. He's recently been diagnosed with severe depression and anorexia –**

Alright, that's really enough, Padfoot. **[A/N: Don't think I'm making fun of everyone. This is parody, after all**

**Hmm, that explains a lot.**

**Gosh Peter, you never knew! This must be a terrible shock!**

_Padfoot, you reveal too much! Better keep it down before anyone else finds out. Lily! James now trusts you with his most guarded secret. _

_**You guys are such morons. And it's not exactly secret if you're proclaiming it to everyone who will read this, is it.**_

Oh tragedy. My reputation is ruined.

* * *

Could you list your Top 3 personality traits you find sexy in a woman? …just for reference

* * *

**Just for reference indeed. Sure, sweetheart. You'd just like to know if you fit the Sirius Black criteria list. **

_**Hmm, I'd sure be interested to hear this one. Well Black? And be serious, ok? **_

**Alright, let's see. Confidence, that's for sure. I like someone I can compete with. **

_He's a sucker for a good arse, too._

**Oh, yeah I am. So I guess that's number two. And don't think I'm shallow! This person asked! I have a right to speak the truth! **

_**Yeah yeah, I know. And third?**_

**I'd have to say the way she walks. That's sort of combining both together, but that's it. **

_**Hmm okay. Uh…Potter?**_

Oh you know what I like, Evans.

**Oh let me guess. How about red hair, green eyes and a fiery temper?**

_**Sirius, don't encourage him. Seriously, answer the question. **_

Umm…I don't know, really. I guess…it sounds corny but the way she laughs. And her smile. That's definitely one. And, well, I am a little obsessed with…hair.

**That is red.**

_**Wow, I am truly shocked. No boobs, butts or even lips in there at all.**_

**Nah, they're Moony's three. **

_**Remus?**_

_Yeah, what Sirius said. Ahaha no. Well I'd have to agree with James, a great smile is always sexy. And, well, I don't know…I'm more of a personality guy. _

**Oh come on Moony, you can't possibly be saying you can't appreciate an attractive woman. **

_Maybe I value other things over looks, Padfoot._

_**Ah, Remus, I could almost fall in love with you right now.**_

I should hope you don't!

**Oh please, Moony only acts all sweet and sensitive to draw the girls in. Deep down he's a sexual predator.**

_Hmm…Remus Lupin: sexual predator. Has a bit of a…voracious ring to it. _

**Well the title of 'Sex God', I'm afraid, is already taken.**

Yeah, by me.

_**Alright, alright, Peter, how about you?**_

**Eh?**

_**Well, what are your three traits? **_

**Umm, I uh…like…**

**Men.**

_**Oh shut it, Black. **_

Let's just move on, shall we?

* * *

My boyfriend wanted sex out of me, and then broke up with me when i didn't give it to him. Any advice on how to recover from this miserable breakup?

* * *

**Fair enough, woman. You don't go leading a man on and then backing out at the last minute.**

What if she didn't want it to begin with?

**Well then the guy wouldn't have gone out with her!**

_**Are you saying you would only go out with a girl if you knew you were going to get sex from her?**_

**Well, I'd hope to get some eventually…I can't wait forever you know. **

I have some advice. I reckon that the guy's a jerk, he's not worth her time. I guess, well, not that I'd know how girls cope with these things, but hanging out with friends and doing fun things might be a start. Or you could always find someone else to take your mind off the other guy, but that can often be difficult.

_**James Potter offering advice on something he's most likely done to many girls. I find it oh so ironic.**_

No, not really. I don't deliberately hurt girls. If they get hurt, they bring it upon themselves by thinking that I'm after commitment, when in reality, I only want commitment with one person…

**It sickens me, really. **

_**You think it sickens you?!**_

**Oh Evans, I think we've found a rather lovely connection here, don't you?**

Padfoot I've warned you about flirting with Evans.

_Ooh look, Pads, there's a question specifically directed at you._

**Oh I know, someone wants to know how I got these drop-dead gorgeous looks? I'd say it runs in the family, but I prefer to think that I was naturally gifted with looks that differ immensely from the rest of my kin. **

* * *

This question is specifically for Sirius...if you had unprotected sex with someone, and then she...um...told you that SHE WAS PREGNANT...how would you react?

* * *

_You've got the floor, Pads._

**Right. Well, probably something along the lines of "Holy mother of Merlin you better be fucking kidding me woman!" **

Well, that's certainly comforting.

**But I don't have unprotected sex with anyone. I do that…charm thingo. **

Yeah well I figured. I mean, with the number of girls you've slept with, none of them has been knocked up yet. So either you use that 'charm thingo' or you simply have no sperm.

**Thanks for putting that so bluntly. And I'll have you know my sperm count is exceedingly high. **

**

* * *

**

Say you like this guy and you're afriad to ask them out because you think they'll reject you...how do you go about asking him out 'cautiously'?

* * *

_**Well I could answer this, but I think its more for the 'guys' to answer, seeing as I could offer something I think is helpful but a guy wouldn't go for it. But I reckon just go for something subtle like implying you need a tutor or something, if you know they're good at a subject you're not (or that you can pretend you're not). **_

Well I don't know. I mean, sometimes the guy needs that cos he has no idea you like him. Being cautious won't help you there.

_But then you have to ask yourself, why is it you think they will reject you in the first place. Is it because they seem too cool for you? Too different? Or that they simply haven't shown any interest in you? _

Well Lily, if you ever ask me for a one-on-one tutoring session, I'll know exactly what you're implying.

_**No thanks, I think I'd rather go with Remus, seeing as he's the smart one around here.**_

**How many times do I have to tell you? We're not idiots! We're just –**

_Lazy. _

_**And no, that's not better. It shows you lack motivation. **_

**Prongs, I really don't know why you like this girl sometimes. **

_Well, she has a point._

**Moony you always side with her! It's like you've rejected the Marauders! **

_I have not 'rejected' the Marauders Padfoot. And you know I like pranking as much as you two. But—_

Don't say it, Moony.

"**You'll fail your N.E.W.T.S!!!!"**

Oh heavens! I'm trembling in my Quidditch boots.

**I think I'll fall off my broom in shock.**

I think we should give up on any after-school aspirations, Pads. Looks like we're going to end up toilet cleaners for life.

**Doesn't mean we can't give advice on how to get through school: next installment is all things school-related, so…you know what to do! Press that little GO button and send us some questions!**

_**On the contrary, you could actually do something useful by directing the questions towards those who can actually give you decent answers. **_

* * *

Alright, next chapter will be school stuff! Which can include…anything really! I've already got a couple of questions, if you have any more just let me know. If there's not many, I'll put in some of my own. On the other hand, if there are too many, I'll obviously spread them over several chapters. 

Read/review & tell me what you think!

**SiriusLoverr**


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter!

**LadyKnightSusan, RhiannonVega, Messrs Padfoot and Prongs, rebornandrenewed, sirius-severus-lover, Sweet Sadie, Mood-chan, IceSnowAndGlamour, LupinLycanLover** and **Rider Arya Svit-kona** (I promise your questions will be coming up, I already messaged you about that though). You guys are awesome!

Okay, I got loads of questions for this chapter (particularly due to the fact that certain reviewers sent me multiple ones) but I'm certainly not complaining! Don't despair if your question/s don't appear in this one, I couldn't possibly fit them all in, but I promise your question (or if there were multiple questions, at least some of them) will appear in the next couple of chapters! And feel free to send more, I had no idea people would send so many! Some questions were very similar, which I realised after I had answered some, so that may be why some questions don't appear, cos I'd be repeating myself.

**If you're reading this story for the first time, please review, I'd love to know what you think, I'm obsessed with the Marauders and it'd be great to hear some feedback. If you have a story you want me to review as well, I'll gladly do a swap!**

Thanks to Mr. Prongs and sirius-severus-lover for pointing out the fact that when I uploaded the document some of the questions didn't appear. How embarrassing, it seems like I don't edit my work properly! I swear I did, the computer must've stuffed up! Anyway I fixed it thank goodness! If anything like that happens again please tell me!

* * *

**Installment 4**

* * *

To Peter: You are adorable. Can I hug you? (rebornandrenewed)

* * *

**Since when was Peter adorable?**

**Well, someone obviously thinks I am. **

_**Yeah, I think it's sweet. We should organise a date for you guys or something. What do you reckon, Peter?**_

**Well, I don't know…I don't think I've met her before. But I suppose she likes me, so…**

Yeah, go son! Take the chance while you can! (Heaven knows it may never come round again, if this person isn't having you on, of course)

_**Potter! I am sure this girl would not tell Peter he is adorable if she didn't think so. That would just be horrible.**_

**Well, she could be a horrible girl. **

_**I highly doubt it, Black. Besides, she's sent us lots of great questions! I'm seriously into this, Peter, give me a time and place and we'll pass it on to her. **_

**Well, I've always wanted to go to Madame Pudifoot's in Hogsmeade…I've never been there before.**

Yeah you have! You went there with me and Padfoot in fifth year.

**Yeah, but you guys both had dates. I just…sat on a table by myself. **

_**How could you guys do that to him?! That's horrible! That's it, I'm organising this date of Peter's if it's the last thing I do. Why he hangs around with you guys is unknown to me, you must be the worst friends ever. **_

**We asked him to bring someone! **

He just…didn't.

_**You should've found him one, then. **_

**I tried, Evans! Honestly! But they all seemed to prefer me for some odd, strange, unknown, unfathomable reason. **

_**Wow Black, never knew you had such a wide vocabulary. Anyway, rebornandrenewed, looks like you and Peter have a date to finalize. I'll leave you to arrange it…**_

**You know, I've never been hugged by a girl before…**

Haha, you've certainly made Peter happy. You should see him now, red as a tomato with this massive ridiculous grin on his face…

**(A/N: Sorry, rebornandrenewed, I just…felt it was necessary. You can virtually kill me if you want to. Although, by asking that question I feel as though you asked for it :p) **

**Hey, maybe this'll start a whole stream of questions from girls asking if they can hug me! Or hopefully do more than that...**

_**We'll hope not. Remus, you've been a little quiet, is everything ok?**_

Hmm, maybe he's switched bodies with Peter?

* * *

Remus, when I have study groups with my friends they ALWAYS mess around. What do you suggest to do seeing as you have to deal with Sirius and James? (Mood-chan)

* * *

What does she mean 'deal' with Sirius and James? 

**Do you think we're too distracting for you, Moony? If so, we can withdraw our friendship.**

_Oh, that won't be necessary. Well, Mood-chan, I think that the answer would be to study independently. You obviously want to do well, and if your friends couldn't care less they're only going to distract you. So, as much as it may be hard for you, try not to get into group study situations. Go to the library and try and go through things yourself, or get some one-on-one tutoring (and NO, Padfoot, not the sort you're thinking of). I feel that's possibly your only option. Or you could possibly hint to them that they're being distracting, although I know from experience that if I attempt to do so with these gits they just get worse._

_**Yeah, I've been meaning to ask how you do so well with those two around you all the time. **_

_Well, I'm sure they'd do well too, if they put more effort in. _

**But we do. In fact, Evans, I think you'll find I am currently beating you in Transfiguration. James too, I believe. **

_**What? No way! How is that even possible?**_

Don't believe it? I can show you my last assignment, Miss Evans. An 'O'.

_**The animagi one? As if you guys know anything about that! **_

**Apparently, we do. **

Embarrassed?

_**Surprised…**_

**It's true, they do well at everything. **

**If Wormtail says it, well, it must be true! **

* * *

From your personal experiences, which classes are the easiest to take and pass? (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

Is this directed to all of us? 

_**Yes.**_

Hmm. Well, obviously, transfiguration.

_Yeah, we all do well in that. _

**Even Wormtail. **

**It's true.**

_**Really? What did you get on the last assignment, Peter?**_

**An O! My first ever!**

_**Oh GOD! You must've all beaten me! Unless Remus failed or something, which I highly doubt.**_

_Yeah, sorry Lily, but Transfiguration is my best subject too…_

_**Great. Well, I find Charms easy. I really like it. **_

**Astronomy's really hard. I can never understand it. **

Yeah, Pads and I just pretend to when we take girls up the astronomy tower.

**Well of course, you can just blabber on, and be like 'yeah that's the Giant Squid' or something.**

_**There is so not a constellation called the Giant Squid.**_

**There could be. **

_**I guess it's kind of like Divination, then. I just made stuff up for that.**_

Lily Evans?! And I thought you did exceptionally well in Divination!

_**Well, I did. It's not like it's hard. **_

**I saw something once. I told Trelawney I saw an incredibly handsome man with windswept dark hair and a perfect smile in the crystal ball. **

_**Incredibly handsome huh?**_

**Mm, I couldn't for the life of me figure out where I conjured up that vision! **

_**You really need an ego deflation, Black. **_

**Oh, nonsense. It's better to have great self-esteem than none at all. **

_I think somewhere in the middle is best. _

_**So, did you pass Divination?**_

**Just. **

* * *

Say there's a really boring subject you hate, but you need a passing grade. How do you keep awake and alert in class? (Sweet Sadie)

* * *

**Alert and awake? In class? **

A contradiction in terms!

**Of course, if there's a fine young women sitting in front of me, I'm as wide awake can be. I don't know, I guess…sometimes, admittedly, I pay attention. **

Since when?

**Well, when it's leading up to exam time, I generally just try and listen a little more than usual. It makes sense, doesn't it?**

_**But if you've slacked off the entire year, then how do you suddenly pull through for exams?**_

**Well, I do pay attention sometimes. I mean, in between pranking the teachers, checking out the lovely ladies and exchanging notes with my fellow Marauders, I happen to catch a few useful phrases. I mean, come on, most of the time all you need to know is a spell and the hand gesture. **

So true.

**So, I'd say that you should stay alert when the teacher's trying to explain what do to, although admittedly that can sometimes take heaps of time, but once you've got that, you're fine. Well, hopefully. **

_What do you do in something like History of Magic, then? Where you actually need to know dates and stuff?_

**Oh, well…COME ON, MOONY! Whoever can actually pay attention in Binns' class would have to be a zombie. **

_True._

_**Mm even I have trouble staying awake. **_

* * *

Lily, there's this boy that always pesters me when I'm trying to do schoolwork and I can't possibly concentrate. What should I do? P.S. Give Jamsie a chance! Pwease? –puppy dog pout - (Mood-chan)

* * *

_**Oh boy. **_

I like this girl!

_**Oh good. Maybe you'll consider going out with her instead?**_

Nup, sorry. Still head over heels in love with you.

_**Oh, I could melt, if I felt anything but pure disgust for you, Potter. Anyway, in answer to the first part of the question, I find hexing works wonders. Although anything is pretty much temporary, if he's as annoying as Potter. There's a convenient little spell I like to do that helps you block out noise. If you're a Muggle, of course, things are a little harder. You could always try the usual death threats, physical violence, evil glares, telling the teacher he's a little prick…**_

I reckon that you should just give in to whatever it is he's annoying you about. I mean, wouldn't that make him go away?

_**Ok, sure, if he's annoying you about doing his homework or something. NOT if he is trying to get you to go out with him! And, in answer to the second part of the question…WHY ON EARTH WOULD I DO THAT?!**_

**Oh come on Lily, he's not that bad. Have you ever considered that if you actually said yes he'd stop annoying you?**

* * *

I am assigned to sit next to the most annoying guy in the universe. What do I say when he annoys me? (IceSnowAndGlamour)

* * *

_**I personally would tell him to f—**_

**No need to use language Evans. And anyway, that's why people annoy you. Because you react like that. **

_**What?! How am I supposed to react? "Oh, Potter, I really do love it when you send parchment aeroplanes zooming into the back of my head."**_

No, you could say "James Potter, I would simply love to go out with you!"

_Sirius is actually right, you know. Ignoring them would be better, Lily. Really._

_**Well, I've tried that and it hasn't worked. Why should it for anyone else? IceSnowAndGlamour, I'm sorry but you have absolutely no hope in hell. If this guy is as annoying as you make out.**_

You know, Evans, you didn't properly answer the last part of Mood-chan's question…

_**Potter, you know I'll never give you a chance. **_

Please, call me 'Jamsie.'

_**POTTER, giving you a chance would entail utter humiliation. You would parade around the school like the pompous arse you are, completely embarrass me, then dump me the next day like everyone else. **_

What?! I would not! You aren't like those other girls! I swear, I know I act like a pompous arse but it's only to get your attention!

* * *

To Lily: I have a crush on three guys at school. All of them seem not to be interested in me, and one has a GF, one has a hot close friend whom he dated for a bit, and the other simply thinks of me as his token 'the weird kid' friend. Question is, who do you think I should pursue? (rebornandrenewed – good question!)

* * *

**Oh come on, as if Lily has any idea about this sort of thing. Let me answer!**

_**Black, the question was not directed at you!**_

**Fine. You answer, then I'll give my better opinion. **

_**Alright, you can give your opinion. But I doubt it will be better. **_

**Have you ever even been in this situation?**

_**Well no, it's hardly a 'typical' one. And I've never liked three guys at once. But I am a girl, and I know what I'd do. **_

Which is?

_**Okay well, the one with the girlfriend is out of the picture. No matter how much you like this guy, you have better options that don't involve you being 'the other woman'. The guy who thinks of you as 'the weird kid' is probably better off as a friend, he most definitely wouldn't think of you in 'that' way. So I'm thinking option two is your best bet. Ignore the hot close friend. He's not dating her anymore, is he? And if, for some reason, you have this jealousy complex and that gets in the way…you have two other options still remaining. The first guy might break up with his GF, and the third guy might change his opinion of you. The fact that there are three guys in the first place makes it easier! Well, harder if you look at it that way, but easier in that if one option doesn't work out you can try again. **_

**Oh well that's all very well and good, but you know I like to keep my options open. I say pursue all three! **

_Ah, Padfoot, I'm not sure that's the best idea. Especially if you want it to actually work…_

**Well, let's just say you're in my position. Or like, the female version of me. Evans, I can see you attempting to throw up, I happen to believe I would make an incredibly attractive female. Option A is fine, because the likelihood is you're hotter than the GF anyway. Option B, also fine, because, once again, you'd be hotter than the 'hot' close friend. And Option C, well, if you were the female version of me you wouldn't be seen as 'the weird kid' anyway. **

_I'm agreeing with Lily here. _

**Yeah Padfoot, I don't really think that would work somehow…one of the others would find out. **

Since when has Padfoot cared about that anyway?

* * *

Have you ever swung the other way? It's just that with your open sexuality it's hard to imagine otherwise. (rebornandrenewed)

* * *

_**I heard about one time you woke up in the same bed as Remus. Is that true?**_

_Yeah, he did actually. But it wasn't what you think. I'd been asleep, and he'd come upstairs drunk and collapsed onto my bed. Which was rather a shock the next morning, I must admit. _

**Oh come on Moony, there's no need to cover up. If we're going to come out of the closet we may as well do it now!**

Padfoot isn't gay, there is absolutely no way. He just likes to joke around.

**Well, I like to think that I'm so damn attractive that members of the same sex find me as gorgeous as members of the opposite sex. Peter thinks so, don't you?**

**Uh…**

**He does. And I'm not homosexual, by the way. But Moony is.**

_I am NOT homosexual, Padfoot. _

**Oh I've seen you checking me out in my boxers plenty of times!**

_Uh, no, Pads, I was probably just checking out the fact that they were PINK. I swear, how many pairs of pink boxers do you own? Unless you wear the one pair all the time…_

I hate to say it, Pads, but wearing pink boxers kinda does seem a bit…well…gay.

**I am not gay. Everyone seems to think so! Even some girls! I had this one chick say to me, before I was about to…you know… "Sirius it's ok if you've never done this with a girl before, I'm so glad I'm your first." I was like what the hell?! **

Ahaha! That's hilarious, you've got to be kidding me!

**Shut up, Prongs. How do you think this is going to affect my reputation?**

**Moving right along. How much time do we have before you guys have Quidditch practice?**

Hmm, 'bout half an hour?

**Maybe we can fit a couple more questions in then?**

* * *

I think my professor has it out for me, seriously. He assigns me detentions for doing things that are other people's faults (somehow it is always my fault) and is just an arse to me in general. What should I do? (RhiannonVega)

* * *

**I get that all the time, actually. I always get blamed for things that Padfoot and Prongs get up to. It's not really fair, they assume that just because I'm a Marauder I'm in on everything.**

_**I can imagine that sucks for you, Peter. Actually, it was rather hilarious when Marsha Wong decided to hex Malfoy because he'd looked up her skirt, and Professor McGonagall sent you all to detention with Filch for a week. **_

Ah yes, well do I remember. What I think you should do is simply hex him some more. He's obviously not going to let up.

_**Potter! That is just going to get them into more trouble!**_

Oh come on, he obviously deserves it.

**Stupid git. What the hell are you supposed to do if you're a muggle, though? **

_You can still get back at him in other ways, I suppose. Like sticking gum on his chair or something. _

_**Remus! Don't tell me you agree with them!**_

_Well Lily, there's not much you can do when a teacher hates you. I'm sure you probably don't know what that feels like, do you?_

_**Uh, not really, no. **_

_Mm, well…I'd definitely say more pranking, preferably of the incredibly annoying variety, is the only possible option. _

_**Since when has a teacher hated you? And why would they?**_

_Oh…uh, I don't know. Because I'm…different?_

_**What?**_

* * *

If you could do any teacher at Hogwarts, who would it be and why? (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

**Dumbledore!! He's a champ!**

_**So, you'd do Dumbledore, Padfoot?**_

**What, no! Crap! I take that back! I thought it was 'if you could BE...any teacher...at Hogwarts...'**

Too late, Pads. Your sexuality is clear to us now. Along with your apparent fetish for men with long grey beards.

**Oh god. **

_Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'd BE Dumbledore too, if I could. Although if I could do a teacher, I'd have to say…that new one that transferred from Beuxbatons a few weeks ago…the Care of Magical Creatures teacher?_

**Oh boy, she's certainly a 'magical creature'. I wish I did COMC now, I really do. **

Me too.

All three: sigh

_**Peter? How about you?**_

**Umm yeah, her too, I guess. She looks…nice.**

Nice is an understatement!

_**Oh she isn't that great. **_

**Yeah she is. She's got long flowing silvery hair and these sexy deep blue eyes and her voice…oh man. **

You're just jealous, Evans.

_**Jealous of some half-Veela who can't even speak English? **_

I think you are.

_**I am NOT, Potter.**_

Alright, who would you do?

_**I don't think about having sex with teachers! Although, come to think of it…Professor whatshisface isn't half bad.**_

Professor who?

_**Oh you know…the one with the non-pronounceable name? The Scottish one, who –**_

**Oh I know the one. Yeah, I'd do him.**

_Uh…_

**I'm kidding! **

_**I wouldn't! I'm just saying he's…nice looking. **_

**You total slut, you have a crush on him! You luuuuurve him, you wanna have like ten thousand of his babies! (A/N: Anyone seen American Beauty? Mena Suvari with that line is hilarious! I changed it slightly to fit with this.) **

_**Do not.**_

**Do too. **

Yeah, she does. Anyway Quidditch practice starts in five, so we better wrap it up here. But first we'll give you a little taste of what's coming up next segment…

_Yep. Ever wondered how you should deal with that annoying kid who throws paper balls at you?_

**Uh, no.**

_That's because you're the one doing the throwing. Well, that'll be coming up. As well as more on how to survive school, deal with family feuds, get out of detention and homework, stay awake in Binns' class (we'll do our best with that one), oh, and how could we forget the Lily/James dilemma? That also shall continue next chapter. A certain reviewer has asked Lily to give James a chance…_

_**Which I will NOT be doing.**_

We'll see.

_**Remus, you should've really be advertising that, because NOTHING will be happening with me and James. **_

_I sense an argument coming on. Time to wrap it up right there, I think. Well, have fun with our advice, if it's not good enough let us know and we'll try and wrack our brains some more to give you something decent! _

**Have you guys ever thought about doing McGonagall?**

…

**What?!**

* * *

Criticism is much appreciated along the lines of: 

Characterisation (I'm always obsessed about getting them right)

Peter (I always have problems with writing him, cos he doesn't seem to have any personality)

Any suggestions, pointing out of grammatical errors etc, although I hope there are none or few of those.

And of course, nice reviews are always appreciated: )

**SiriusLoverr**


	5. Chapter 5

Those who reviewed last chapter: **rebornandrenewed, Ananas72, ChainOfEvents1265, LupinLycanLover, IceSnowAndGlamour, RhiannonVega, wannariskit, Messrs Padfoot and Prongs, Sweet Sadie, xXsweetmusicXx, BreakingFoundations, Rider Arya Svit-Kona, Mood-chan and SpontanuousChickie.**

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your reviews! Thank you to those who have reviewed pretty much every chapter, and also to those who've just started reading, I'm glad you like it, I enjoy writing it! That said, criticism is much appreciated.

**Sorry for the long wait, I'm in the middle of my HSC. Which is slowly but surely killing me. But I've managed to get some time to finish this. If this chapter sucks, it's cos I have my Ancient History exam tomorrow morning and I'm totally stressing about it! But I shouldn't be making excuses haha.

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**

James: normal

**Sirius: bold**

_Remus: italicized_

_**Lily: bold and italicized**_

**Peter: bold and underlined

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**

**Installment 5**

**Welcome back to yet another segment of The Marauders' (and Lily's) Guide to Life.**

Yet again, we have plenty of questions to answer, so I say we get straight into it.

_LupinLycanLover, who, may I add, has possibly the best pen name ever, has a question for Padfoot and Prongs.

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_

What do you consider to be the perfect way to skip class? (LupinLycanLover) **(A/N: I took this to mean the perfect way to spend skipping class…not how to skip class…tell me if I was wrong, sorry if I was!)

* * *

**

**I can picture the image in Prongs' head right now…**

What?

**You, Evans, an empty classroom…**

Well I was actually thinking more along the lines of me, Evans, and a very –

_**I don't want to hear it, Potter.**_

Oh come on! You know you would've been turned on by what I was about to say.

_**Can't say I'd ever be turned on at any scenario involving you, Potter.**_

Evans, you so want me. I know you do.

_**And how do you know that?**_

You wouldn't deny it so much.

_**My only other option would be to 'admit' something that is utterly repulsive to me. Which is NOT an option.**_

Well, Arya Svit-Kona seems to think otherwise…

* * *

Lily, why are you in denial about liking James? (Arya Svit-Kona)

* * *

_**I am NOT in denial about liking James! I do not like him! He's an egotistical prick who uses his looks to get girls and then leave them at the drop of a hat!**_

_Actually, that's Sirius. _

So you think I'm hot, Evans?

_**What? No. Where the hell did you get that idea from?**_

Oh I don't know. Maybe the fact that you referred to my 'looks.' Which, if they 'get girls' can't be half bad…

_**Oh you know I think you're –**_

Gorgeous? Sexy? Incredibly toned and muscular?

_**Oh you really are insufferable. **_

But you think I'm hot.

_**No, I don't. **_

**Admit it, Evans. The thought of Prongs without a shirt on turns you on almost as much as the thought of me without a shirt on. **

_**Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth. **_

**Now that's not very attractive, Evans. **

_**Neither is James. **_

**Oh no, you said it yourself Evans. Prongs is a looker. We all know you'd do him if you had the chance.**

_**I would not 'do him', Black. And why the hell do you call him Prongs? It sounds like a kitchen utensil that Muggles use or something. **_

Oh believe me, Evans, I know how to use my utensils…if you catch my drift.

_**Why must you make a sexual innuendo about everything I say?**_

**Because it's fun! I do it to Moony too, don't I?**

_Unfortunately. _

**He loves it. **

**Secretly. **

**Very deep down. **

**In the very furthest reaches of his consciousness…**

_Oh yes, because any straight male would. _

**As I said, he loves it.

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**

Moony: How do you deal with a close friend of yours coming on to you all the time jokingly when you secretly like them? (Ananas72)

* * *

**Oh, well isn't this a dilemma. Moony, I didn't know you'd been having lustful thoughts about me (although, who can resist?)**

_Don't flatter yourself, Padfoot, I most certainly do NOT have 'lustful' thoughts about you. Or anyone, for that matter._

Come on, Moony, there must be a reason why you've never had a girlfriend before.

_Because I don't want one?_

**Because he's in love with me.**

_-rolls eyes- In answer to your question, it is incredibly annoying and I do not enjoy it in the slightest. And Padfoot, this is nothing against you and that hair of yours you seem to take so much pride in, but I am as straight as a Quidditch post, as you so emphatically declared some time ago. However, unlike you, I am not as thick as one. _**A/N: Sirius referred to that in Chapter 3…in case you were wondering.**

**Oh you cut me deep, Moony, you really do. **

Oh Moony you heartbreaker. Seriously though, what's with the no-girlfriends thing?

_**Maybe he's not a man-slut like the rest of you.**_

**I'm not a man slut.**

_**No, you're not. Sorry Peter. **_

**Come on Moony. Admit you think I'm sexy.**

_You're as bad as James is with Lily. _

_**Oh, so now someone understands how I feel.**_

_Hey, at least James is of the opposite gender to you. _

_**True.**_

Well, that's a positive development.

_**That does IN NO WAY mean that I enjoy your advances, Potter. I was simply empathizing with Remus' experience in comparison to my own, which, admittedly, is preferable. **_

**Oooh la la. I think if Evans is finally admitting that her situation with you is preferable to something else, then that is a positive development. **

Yes, I agree. I must admit, you have once screamed at me that you'd rather date a troll than me. Now, you're saying that you'd prefer me to another girl. Extremely positive indeed.

_**Black, Potter, that's enough. You both know I don't swing that way anyway. **_

Yes, but you were considering going for a troll over me before.

_**I would not SERIOUSLY date a troll, you moron. **_

So you lied to me?! Evans, you are scandalous!

_**Oh, get over it. **_

Hmm, imagine if everything you'd ever said to me was a lie…

**Ooh yes, like when you said to Prongs he was the most hideous being on the planet…**

…you were actually implying that I was the sexiest creature to walk this earth.

**And when you told him you'd like to chop off his manhood…**

…you were referring to your deep, dark desire to –

_AHEM. Stop there, I think. _

**What's wrong, Moony? Thoughts of Prongs' manhood disturbing you? Or perhaps it is more of the opposite…**

_**Oh shut up, Black. And Potter, stop making ridiculous assertions about me and your manhood.**_

You secretly love it, Evans. You do.

* * *

Lily: My friend would like to know what you look for in a man. So? (xXsweetmusicXx)

* * *

Hmm this should be interesting.

_**Sorry, Potter, but I certainly do not like egotistical morons with the intellectual capacity of a walnut. **_

Well, I'm glad you don't, I wouldn't want you fancying Sirius now, would I?

_**Well, I suppose you're both the same, really. **_

**-gasps- We are NOT!**

_**You're both idiots, pranksters, morons, gits and arrogant bullying toerags. You are both womanizers, and you both have dark hair. Although Sirius' is less unkempt. That is, possibly, the only difference.**_

**She likes my hair better than yours!!**

I'm better at Quidditch.

**Are not.**

I am too. And you know it.

**Well I'm better at commentating.**

Those who can't do, commentate.

_**Isn't the phrase 'those you can't do, teach?'**_

Oh, same thing, really.

_**Ok, I'm going to answer this question now, just to shut you two up. Well, xXsweetmusicXx, if you picture James Potter in your head…**_

We all know you do, Evans.

_**And think of someone the total opposite of him…**_

Well, that's not very attractive.

_**Someone NICE, intelligent, someone who doesn't constantly harass you but goes out of their way to do nice things for you, someone who doesn't care what the rest of the world thinks about their hair/body/Quidditch playing, someone who has decent taste in friends…**_

Sounds really boring to me.

…_**someone who isn't in it just for the sex…**_

Hey!

_**Potter, it's a well known fact you have sex with girls and then dump them the next day. Once again, another parallel can be drawn between you and Sirius. Are you sure you're not long-lost twins separated at birth?**_

Stop that, Evans. Seriously, what makes you think I'd do that?

_**So you wouldn't want to have sex with me?**_

Of course I want to fucking have sex with you!

**It's pretty much his lifelong dream.**

_Well, he certainly 'dreams' about it every night._

**It gets rather annoying, really. I can never get to sleep. **

_**Okay uh, enough details there. I was only kidding, anyway…**_

**What he's trying to say, Evans, is "I'm hopelessly in love with you and wish to be with you till the end of time."**

_**Oh. **_

Well, it's true. Although I wouldn't have said it quite like that. I'm not the shallow git you think I am, Evans. All those girls are just there to make up for the fact I don't have you, it's not like they mean anything.

_**I uh, have some Transfiguration homework I need to finish. I think I'll go do that, you guys…continue.**_

You can't leave after I've just declared my everlasting love for you!

_I think she just did._

**What are we going to do without Lily? **

**Oh, she'll come back. **

Yeah, she can't resist me.

* * *

How do you stay awake in Binns' class? (Arya Svit-Kona)

* * *

Well usually I just stare out the window, thinking about Evans…

**Whilst I stare at Katie Grenshaw who sits in front of me…she has such great legs…**

_That's not really 'staying awake.'_

Well what else can you do? Listen to him?

**I like drawing things. **

_Oh that's good, cos if he happens to look at you, it appears as though you're writing notes. I must admit, I'm terrible at staying awake, in fact after my 'time of the month' I do actually fall asleep. Not that he'd notice…_

Sometimes you can pay attention though. Like that time he was telling us about those werewolf persecutions.

_Oh yeah. That wasn't very nice, though. _

**Oh, it was centuries ago. **

_Still, I do not appreciate being given a mental picture of myself being hanged from a tree. Or sliced open. Or chased by men with torches and axes._

**Yeah, not a great mental image really. **

_No. So let's change the subject completely. Peter, how was your date? _

**Oh yes! How could we have possibly forgotten!**

Has it happened yet?

**No, not yet.

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**

Oh goodie! I think that Madam Puddifoot is awfully corny, but I'll do anything for my sweet little Peter. What do you suggest we do afterwards, and what do you want me to wear (both outerwear and underwear. XD)? Oh! I almost forgot: hugs Peter and gives him a smack on the lips (rebornandrenewed)

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**Aww, lil old Peter is all red. Never been hugged by a member of the opposite sex before?**

_Oh, leave him alone. At least someone's interested in him._

**Oh, and I'm a lonely old bachelor am I?**

_Well I don't see any reviewers wanting to go on dates with you. _

**I bet if I offered I'd get more responses than Wormtail. **

**Don't turn this into a competition!**

**Oh this so is a competition. And I'm going to win hands down. **

Wormtail, you didn't answer the part of her question that asked what you wanted her to wear…

**Oh, I don't know. Something nice. **

**Well, let's look at it this way, what do you want to be looking at all night? **

**Umm…her?**

**Yes but which **_**part**_** of her?**

_Padfoot stop being a perverted moron. Peter just wants her to wear what she'd be comfortable in, right?_

**Right.**

_And you should probably organise the date…_

**Yeah. **

Well there's a Hogsmeade trip tomorrow, that would obviously be perfect timing.

**And make it early so you can get as much make-out time as possible.**

In fact, just go _with_ her and spend the whole day together.

**Perfect. **

Right, Wormtail's all set. Now, let's work on Operation MLFILWM.

**Men like farting inconsiderately leaving women mad?**

_Male lunatics find it lousy when mashed?_

Well, as much as I _love_ your suggestions, it's actually Make Lily Fall In Love With Me.

**Oh.**

_How dull._

**Really Prongs, come up with something original. Oh look, Evans is back.**

_**So I am. Not willingly, though. I finished my homework and I have nothing else to devote my time too. May as well save a few people from your lousy advice.**_

Or, you could help us with Operation MLFILWM.

_**I'd certainly love to help you with Operation Men Lose Females If Lacking Wit and Much intelligence.**_

Oh no, it's actually –

_**Save it, Potter. I really don't want to know about your 'operations.'

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**_

To Lily: I just want you to know that I don't think you should give James a chance at all…I think you should rethink how you feel about Sirius. (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

Gee thanks ever so much, LupinLycanLover.

_Looks like we're gonna have to do some changing of Operation MLFILWM. _

**MLFILWS?**

_**NWIH. **_

**Huh? What does that mean?**

_**No Way In Hell.**_

**Ah. Why not?**

Padfoot!

_**Because you're just as bad as he is. Just an arrogant, conceited, self-absorbed, Quidditch-obsessed, man-whorish, insufferable jerk.**_

**Hmm.**

_**Hmm?**_

**I believe I have just had an amazing epiphany!**

_Oh, DO tell. _

**Evans is GAY.**

_What?!_

_**Excuse me?**_

**It's the only possible explanation for why you wouldn't go for either me or James. Come on, we're the hottest guys in school, **_**everyone**_** wants us. So I figure if you don't, you must dig chicks.**

_**Black, I do not 'dig chicks', okay? I just don't dig assholes. **_

**Touché. Prongs, you got a loooong way to go.

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**

I can't sit still in class no matter what I try, what do I do about it? (IceSnowAndGlamour)

* * *

**Hmm. Prongs, are you thinking what I'm thinking?**

This chick has an awful lot of built-up sexual tension?

**Uhuh.**

_**Oh honestly, is that all you ever think about?**_

With you, Evans, of course.

**Seriously, I think the answer lies in a good old one-on-one session with the god of sex, Sirius Black. **

_Sirius, I highly doubt that she was implying anything of the sort._

**Oh come on, why else would you not be able to sit still in class? Particularly when I'm in the classroom…**

_Oh, I don't know…because you're bored?_

Get bored easily, do you Moony?

**I'm thinking we need to arrange a date for you as well. Not that there'd be any takers. They all want me.

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**

I'm terrible at memorization...any helpful hints? (Sweet Sadie)

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**I know you won't believe me, but I really do have the best solution. **

_Oh really, what's that?_

**Well, we have classes with different people, right? Basically, when we're doing something in class, I remember the chick sitting in front of me at the time. **

_And how does that make you remember anything? _

It certainly doesn't help with remembering their names…

**Well the other day I was trying to remember that spell we did in Charms. And I remembered the girl I was partnered with…Sarah someone.**

Sandra.

**Yeah, her. And I remember she totally sucked and set my hair on fire. So I remembered the charm. **

_**I guess he's got a point. I won't ever forget levicorpus thanks to Potter, that's for sure…**_

Why? I was never partnered with you for that.

_**No, but you used it on Snape.**_

Oh. Yeah I did. How awesome was that?!

**Yeah that was fantastic.

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**

My family and this other kids family have hated each other for...ever. I want to put this whole thing behind us, even if we'll never be best mates or anything we should at least be civil even if our families are morons, but he won't have it. What should I do? (RhiannonVega)

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**Well, everyone hates my family. I deal with it. **

The guy sounds like an idiot though. I mean, it's kinda like that whole pure-blood/muggleborn feud- all the pure-blood families think they're better than the rest so the kids believe it too.

_**You're pure-blood. **_

Yeah but my family doesn't really give a rat's arse about that sort of thing. And look at you, you're a perfectly good witch. I hate it when people call you 'mudblood', I can't stand it.

_**Ok, Potter, don't go all emotional on me here. I can handle myself.**_

Sorry. Anyway, I reckon this guy is a moron and not worth your friendship. I'd say just be nice to him, and he can do what he wants. Most likely he won't be civil to you, but it's always worth a go.

_**Says the guy who deliberately tortures other students for his own amusement.**_

It's only Snivellus! And…the occasional Slytherin.

_**But it's horrible, Potter. Can't you just grow up and be mature? Oh, sorry, that's impossible.

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**_

wannariskit and SpontanuousChickie, your questions will be in the next chapter I promise! And if your Q's havent been answered yet, they will be! All in good time! Or at least, most of them. I have to try and keep track of which ones I've used.

Reviews & questions much appreciated!!

**SiriusLoverr**


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry if the last chapter was rushed or a little dodgy! For some reason I felt compelled to finish it the night before my ancient history exam, probably not the best idea. Anyway, hopefully this chapter is a little better!

Thanks to those that reviewed, you know who you are, they really made my day!

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**Installment 6**

James: normal

**Sirius: bold**

_Remus: italics_

**Peter: bold and underlined**

**_Lily: bold and italics_**

**

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**

To Sirius: Do you want another pair of pink boxers for your coming-out party or do you want me to drug James and/or Remus and let them give you a striptease? Maybe I could even get you a nice bearded man. (Lily, I know this must somehow amuse you. I know your pain.) (rebornandrenewed)

* * *

Oh my, Padfoot, what a choice! 

_**From what Remus has already told us I doubt he needs another pair of pink boxers. I must say, the striptease would be rather amusing. **_

_And we could get Dumbledore to join in…send him your special request Padfoot._

**That was a mistake! I did not mean to imply that I would 'do' Dumbledore.**

It's ok, Pads, we all know you harbour a secret desire for men. We won't tell anyone.

_**Well, you might not.**_

Oh Evans you naughty girl!

**You wouldn't!**

_**Hmm I don't know. As long as you invite me to your 'coming-out party'. **_

Yeah that'd be a blast. I can picture it now…Padfoot surrounded by hoards of dancing men in long grey beards, all wearing nothing but pink boxers…

_**You left out the part where you and Remus do the striptease.**_

_We're not wearing pink boxers, are we?_

Nah we can wear manly black ones.

_Oh that's better._

**So, you're saying you wouldn't mind giving me a striptease, Moony? Eh? **

_Padfoot, I have no desire to resort to that. Particularly seeing as I have a number of female fans…_

**What?! Female fans?**

Mm, it seems that there are a few who would prefer to date Moony than you…after that little bet you made last installment…

**I don't believe it.**

_Well, let's see. _

_**Firstly, there's LupinLycanLover, whose name I think pretty much explains it all. **_

**What sort of stupid name is that?**

_I rather like it, actually. _

**Well, you would.**

_Particularly as they said, direct quote: _You know Sirius is pretty f-ing hot...I won't lie but if I had to choose one of the marauders to date it would definitely be Remus...hands down, no questions asked

Ha!

**Well at least she admitted I'm hot…**

But she'd rather date Moony…

**I don't see her wanting to date you, Prongs.**

Yeah but she doesn't hate me either.

_**Oh, I think you must have jumped over the part where she said **_By the way James...get over yourself...you aren't all that great. Sirius and Remus have both got you beat. Sometimes the truth hurts...but you got to deal.

Ah.

_**Yes. **_

Well, I don't need her, seeing as I got you Evans!

_**In your dreams, Potter.**_

**Did uh…anyone want to go on a date with me?**

_**Hmm let's see. Well there was xXsweetmusicXx…Oh wait, no, she also said "I'd date Remus any day, he happens to be cooler than you…"**_

Then there was rebornandrenewed, who said your taste in lingerie was 'abominable'. That and she referred to your 'dignity and over inflated ego.'

_**Gosh Remus, you've outdone Mr. Sex God himself. How do you feel?**_

_Well Lily, it's only a matter of time before Mr. Nice Guy wins out. _

**I'm going to bed…**

It's only 9 pm!

_Aww, Paddy is all heartbroken that for once in his life no girls want to date him. _

**Shut up Moony! I'm not happy with you right now!**

_You'll get over it._

**I will not! This is a violation of our friendship! **

_How? _

**You've stolen my status as the most sought-after Marauder!**

Hey hey hey, Padfoot, that was never you. That was me.

_Well I think I can safely say that it's me right now…_

That's just because I'm too obsessed with Lily to care about anyone else!

_No, I think you're just a sore loser._

**He's not a sore loser because he's not the one who's lost. This isn't even a contention between you and him. It's between you and me! **

_Fairly heavy competition, isn't it?_

**Just you wait, Moony. The author loves me. You don't see her name being 'RemusLoverr' do you? No! It's SiriusLoverr for a reason! Author! Help me! **

_You can't just ask the author to help you, Padfoot. That's just getting desperate. _

I think she probably just made a mistake. Maybe her name was supposed to be 'Serious Lover' and she just can't spell properly.

**Oh yeah, MUST BE IT. **

…

**-sigh- shall we just let them fight over who is the hottest Marauder?**

_**Mm I think so Peter. Don't worry, after all, you were the first one to be asked for a date. **_

**Oh yeah! I was wasn't I? Oi, guys! I'm in contention too ok?!

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**

James,  
There's this person I like and I can't stop thinking about that person what do you think I should do seeing as you have an infatuation with Lily?  
P.S. I Asked Lils to give you a chance! (Mood-chan)

* * *

Thanks Mood-chan, I know you asked her. I doubt she'll ever come around though. 

_**Hmm maybe if you stopped having, what did she say, 'an infatuation' with me, I would 'come around'.**_

Right. So if I walked around ignoring you all day you'd fall hopelessly in love with me.

_**No. I would never fall hopelessly in love with you. But I probably wouldn't see you as an annoying git.**_

**Hmm, well it's a start, Prongs.**

Well, Mood-chan, I would offer my advice for this situation but it seems I'm pretty unsuccessful at getting girls I like. So I doubt I'd be of any help.

_**Well seeing as you can't answer it, I will. Be nice to her, don't annoy her, don't act like a prick to other people, actually talk to her rather than making sexual innuendos at every possible moment, don't hang around with morons…**_

**Hey! He doesn't hang around with morons.**

_**Sorry, typo there. It should've been 'don't hang around with morons like Sirius Black.'**_

So if I wasn't friends with Sirius, you'd consider going out with me?

**Don't even think of ditching me, Prongs. I'll hurt you.**

_**No, Potter. He is simply one of many reasons. **_

Other girls don't seem to mind…

_**That's probably because they're sluts. **_

Or, they're really smart and have realised that I'm the hottest piece of man on earth.

_(Who has now been replaced by Remus Lupin)_

Shut up Moony, you're not helping!

_Why is everyone telling me to shut up today? It's usually Sirius…_

**Because I'm not being a little twit. **

_No, you're just being an egotistical blockhead._

_**My you guys are argumentative today. You could give James and I a run for our money. **_

How about we switch roles? Moony and Padfoot can argue like hell, and we can get into some hot and heavy lovemaking…

_Prongs, you realise you just implied that Sirius and I are in a sexual relationship?!_

Oh, whoops. Slip of the tongue.

**That's cos we are, Moony my friend.**

_Ergh. I'd rather join Lily in the garbage with Peter._

_**See, after a while it doesn't seem so unattractive, does it?

* * *

**_

Have you ever been payed back by anyone who you have pranked with a taste of your own medicine? (eg. pranked by severus -sigh-he's so cute!-sigh- (wannariskit)

* * *

This person is obviously delusional. 

**Yeah, they think that we, the Marauders, Gods of Pranking, may possibly have been pranked back. **

Well, I was more talking about the fact they think Snivellus is CUTE.

_**Well, have you? Been given a taste of your own medicine?**_

Not by Snivellus, that's for sure. He's too stupid to prank us back. I mean, uh…he's too…nice to prank us back?

_**Hmm. Nice save, Potter. Being civil isn't really embedded in your personality is it?**_

_We got pranked back by the teachers once. Remember?_

**Oh yes, that was hilarious. **

Of course! The time we snuck into that pub in Hogsmeade…

_**You snuck into a pub in Hogsmeade?!**_

I know, quite an amazing feat actually.

_**Damn it, I've been trying to get in there since second year.**_

**What?!**

Evans…_you_ tried to sneak into a pub?

_**Yes Potter, contrary to popular belief I am not the uptight Miss Perfect you think I am. **_

Oh, trust me, Evans, that makes you a lot _more_ perfect in my eyes…although, you should've enlisted the help of the Marauders.

_**Evidently. What happened though, after you snuck in?**_

Oh, well Wormtail gave us away. You see, we took some Polyjuice Potion to look like the teachers…

**I was McGonagall. She really does have a great figure under those robes you know…**

_**I'd rather not know.**_

I was Dumbledore. Moony was Flitwick and Wormtail was Sprout.

**Except it backfired when Professor Dumbledore actually walked into the pub and spotted him. **

Yeah, he'd just been talking to Professor Sprout in Zonko's apparently.

_**So he kicked you out?**_

**Nah old Dumbly's a good old chap, he let us have our fun. **

But the next day when we got to Transfiguration, McGonagall had transformed herself into Padfoot!

**Ah, wouldn't you just love me to teach your lessons all the time. You know what that means, Evans. McGonagall and I have practically seen each other naked. **

No one needs to hear that, Padfoot. Anyway, then the next morning in the Great Hall, Dumbledore got up as me, and danced around the hall wearing nothing but a pair of blue boxers with Quaffles on them.

_**And why on earth did I miss this?**_

I have absolutely no idea. It was probably during your mad phase of studying for NEWTs.

_Yeah it was a little scary, you never even came to the Great Hall to eat. _

_**Yes but I did well, didn't I?**_

**Not much better than me.

* * *

**

How smart are you really...compared to your fellow classmates? (I always thought the smartest people were in Ravenclaw.) (for Moony, Lily, Padfoot) (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

_Hmm well I'd say we're all pretty smart. Yes, you'd think the smartest people would be in Ravenclaw. _

**I like to think we're so well rounded we're smart AND courageous. **

_**Yes, I've often wondered why you're in Gryffindor when you possess neither of those talents.**_

Oh, Padfoot is deceptively smart. Remember, we all beat you in that Charms assignment…

_Yes, but that's only because…never mind._

_**What?**_

_Nothing. _

_**Fine, fine. Well, I'd say I'm pretty average, I guess I just work a lot harder than most people, which makes up for it. **_

_Yeah, and Padfoot is incredibly lazy, so he still gets alright marks despite doing next to nothing. I think the Ravenclaw's are the ones who enjoy school? Maybe they like working, but are not necessarily the smartest. _

_**Yeah that's probably it. **_

**Sometimes I wonder how on earth Wormtail got into Gryffindor. **

**Well, if it makes you feel any better, Padfoot, I don't know either. I like the colour red? Maybe that's it.

* * *

**

To Peter: Thank you ever so much for the date and clothing choice.  
I was afraid that James would make me wear that horrible pink number that Sirius sent me. It smelled of him. Speaking of which, Padfoot, your taste in lingerie is abominable. You really do make a nice and sexy pillow though, Petey. A repeat date, perhaps? (rebornandrenewed)

* * *

Padfoot you sent him pink boxers too? I wondered where those came from… 

_Yeah I got some also._

_**Damn, I missed out. So, how was the date, Peter? **_

**Oh, it was quite good. It was a little uncomfortable, though…there were lots of couples there.**

_**Yeah, that's the thing about Madam Pudifoot's unfortunately. Did you guys stay there the whole time?**_

**Yeah, I didn't really want to tell her that I wanted to go outside…**

_**Oh Peter, I'm sure if you'd said something she'd have happily gone. **_

This kid sure wants to get around though. Wormtail, I'm not sure she's entirely faithful to you…

* * *

To Remus: Want to go out? No offense Peter, but I feel bad for the lad. Sure,LupinLycanLover might've already taken the offer for the date, but I think he needs one too. Or two. Anything to strip Sirius of his dignity and over inflated ego. So yeah, a date?

* * *

**Ah.**

_**Notice how she'd date Remus and Peter but neither Sirius nor James. I find this incredibly hilarious. **_

**Oh ha dee ha ha. I don't see you getting any dates, Evans.**

_**Well I would certainly hope not to be getting date requests from women, Black. Maybe that's why you're not getting any, seeing as you're not heterosexually inclined, and our reviewers are female…**_

_I don't really know how to take this. I can't really go out with all of them, can I?_

**Sure you can, Moony. Or, you could just reject them all and reveal your undying love for me. In my opinion, that's your best option.

* * *

**

Moony, why have you not made a move on Padfoot yet? You know he's waiting for you. (IceSnowAndGlamour)

* * *

**Good question! She also asked why I haven't made a move on Moony yet, but I already have, and I **_**know**_** he's waiting for me…**

_Padfoot don't be absurd. This is really getting quite ridiculous. I am not secretly in love with you!_

**That's what you keep telling yourself, Moony. **

_-sigh- I don't believe I have ever given anyone inclination to think that I am gay. The only explanation is that Padfoot is incredibly distraught by his lack of recent female action and has resorted to diverting from the straight and narrow. _

**Huh?**

Translation English to Dumbskull: You're so desperate you're hitting on your best friend who happens to be male.

**Ah. Could be it. Oh I'm so sexually deprived right now!**

_**When was the last time you had sex?**_

**Last week. I know, I know, it's TERRIBLE.**

_**--raises eyebrow-- Last week you say?**_

**Yeah and it was a Hufflepuff too. I **_**must**_** be getting desperate -wails pitifully-**

Don't be a baby, Padfoot.

**Life isn't fair! I can't live like this! I'm losing my Sex God status, Moony is getting more girls than me, and I have to face the possibility that I may possibly be gay! **

_Gosh, you sound like a normal teenage guy. Your life really must suck. _

**Moony, I have already told you I am **_**not**_** happy with you right now! I am considering doing a Lily and storming out of here.**

_**I did not storm out, I simply left to finish some homework at a very awkward moment.**_

_Yeah, and who would compete with me for dates?_

**Oh, I don't know, why can't Peter? Even **_**he's**_** getting more dates than me right now...**

**Yeah, it's great!

* * *

**

Everyone thinks I'm weird. I am weird, actually. How do I get people to STOP BOTHERING ME ABOUT IT? (IceSnowAndGlamour)

* * *

**You're weird. You'll never have a chance at a good life. Resign yourself to it now.**

Ignore him, he's depressed and in desperate need of sex.

_Well, I doubt you're weirder than any of us. I mean, Sirius is an emotional crybaby, James is a lovesick puppy, I'm a werewolf and Peter's just…_

Peter.

_Exactly._

_**What did you just say? You're a what?!**_

_Oh shit. I mean…crap…Oh no? Oh dear? Oh heavens?_

He didn't mean literally. He means he's unusually hairy.

_**Unusually hairy?**_

**Yeah look at all that disgusting leg hair. It's repulsive. **

We tried to wax it a while ago, but there was just so much of it nothing came off.

**And it's not just on his legs, it's pretty much **_**all over**_** his entire body. Like down there, for instance…**

_**Black! I do not need to know details about Remus Lupin's nether regions! Now please, change the subject.**_

_--mutters darkly-- I'm going to kill you guys…worst possible excuse _ever

_**What was that?**_

_Nothing, Lily. _

_**Never take your shirt off in the presence of me. Ever.**_

_Ok, but I'm really not –_

_**Shut up, Remus.**_

_Ok, ok, shutting up. Once again. (Padfoot and Prongs are SO dead…)

* * *

_

What do you do if your friend asked a guy out simply because she knew you liked him? (SpontanuousChickie)

* * *

Hmm, she's obviously no friend of yours. 

**That's like me asking out Evans.**

Yeah. Which you would _never_ do, ever, because you live in my house and I would charm your bed so that in the morning you'd wake up with a faceful of boils. Actually not just a faceful…how about boils _all over your body_?!

**Prongs, mate, I was just trying to relate to the question. I would never ask Evans out. I don't go for redheads anyway. **

_You would if she wanted to do you though, wouldn't you Padfoot? Like right now…if a beautiful redhead with really long legs walked straight up to you and invited you to her dorm…_

**Moony! Stop provoking me! **

_Well, you should learn to control those hormones of yours._

**Just because you are an asexual being, Moony, it doesn't mean everyone else is. I have needs.**

_I am not asexual, Padfoot. And your needs happen to be a lot more…sexual than anyone else's. _

_**AHEM. In answer to the question that was asked, I'd say ditch the friend, she's obviously jealous and not worth your time. And Black, I'd say Remus has every right to provoke you after years of you rubbing it in his face that you're the sex god of Hogwarts. **_

**Why do you call Moony and Wormtail by their first names and treat Prongs and I like we're mere acquaintances.**

_**Because they're nicer than you. If you were nice people, I would call you James and Sirius.**_

But we're insufferable morons, right?

_**Something like that, yes.**_

**We're sexy ones, though.**

_**No.**_

No? Are you sure about that, Evans?

_**Quite sure, Potter.**_

What if you saw me shirtless, would you change your mind?

_**I doubt there'd be anything worth seeing underneath, Potter.**_

Oh really? How about this?

_Oh for god's sake James, put your shirt back on, we'll have hoards of giggling members of your fan club in here._

**CORRECTION: hoards of the joint fan club of Padfoot and Prongs aka JSFC. So Moony, do YOU have a fan club?**

Shut up Padfoot! Lily's blushing!

**At the mention of hoards of giggling girls?**

No, at the amazing sight she just witnessed!

_**Don't flatter yourself, Potter, I'm embarrassed for you, that's all. Now put the damn shirt back on!**_

Oh alright. I'll give you a private show later…

**From what I've heard, they're quite good. **

_**Oh Merlin…why did I ever agree to join this stupid advice column in the first place?

* * *

**_

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions, please review and let me know. Suggestions and criticism are also much appreciated. The Marauders would like to conduct a poll as to what will occur over the next few chapters in the regards to the following:

Should James and Lily get together?

Should Remus and Sirius get together? (I know I have reviewers who are both slash and non-slash fans, so whichever way I go someone will be unhappy)

Should Lucius Malfoy join the column? (I would really like to put him in even just for a chapter, I think it would be quite funny. So if you have any 'darker' questions, he can answer those!!)

There's also Snape…I could put him in. Although, never fear, they would only be special (if unwanted) quests. This remains the MARAUDERS' guide to life.

Anyway so if you review this chapter, let me know what you think in regards to these things. Thanks!

**SiriusLoverr**


	7. Chapter 7

This chapter is dedicated to **ChainOfEvents1265**. For some reason I'd left out your questions on my word doc…and I have no idea why, hopefully I haven't left anyone else's off! Anyway I'm TERRIBLY sorry, especially seeing as you have been reading and sending me in great questions, thank you for still reading!

**Results of the poll:**

Lily and James should get together:

YES

Remus and Sirius:

NO (just)

Inclusion of Snape/Malfoy/both:

I'm putting Snape in anyway. For one chapter at least, just to see if it works. If it doesn't, then he can disappear and we'll forget that he exists.

SNAPE WILL BE _italics and underlined

* * *

_

**Installment 7**

**Welcome back everyone. For this installment we'd like to introduce Severus Snape—**

**--also known as Snivellus…**

…**who will be helping us answer some questions. **

What the hell is Snivellus doing here?

_**I invited him. I figured we needed some democracy here. If you have a problem with it, go cry in the corner. It's only for one installment, after all.**_

**One installment, yeah sure. That's what you say now. Before long you'll be inviting Lucius Malfoy and his pureblood club and turn this into The Guide to Following Voldemort.**

_Padfoot, I think you're exaggerating just a little. _

**She's conspiring with the enemy! Prongs, you agree with me, right?**

…

**Okay so you're too busy glaring daggers at Snivellus to respond. But I think that's good enough. I say throw him out!**

_**Oh for god's sake, Black, grow up. No one wants to listen to your whining. Now let's get into some questions…

* * *

**_

Remus: (please pardon any insane interruptions, my inner fan girl is a bit...obsessed) What made you want to be friends with James, Sirius, and Peter, aside from the fact that you all share the same dorm- AMIGAWD AH LUVS U REMMIKINS -cough- Apologies. (xXsweetmusicXx)

* * *

_**I thought this was a nice…safe one to start off with.**_

_Hmm interesting question. And I honestly cannot give you an answer to that one…_

**Oh how touching. We've known you for seven years and you can't say anything nice about us? Or me, to be more precise. **

_Well...sadly, no. I haven't forgotten your little outburst last installment, Sirius._

**Sirius? Since when do you call me Sirius? Next you'll be calling me Black like Evans does. And before long it'll turn into 'that guy with the dark hair' and then—**

_That annoying git who won't shut up?_

**Yeah…something like that. And by the way, I did not have a 'little outburst', I was somewhat annoyed at the fact everyone 'LUVS' you.**

_Not everyone loves me. You had some interest from reviewers this time. _

**Hmph. Too late now, I am spiraling downwards into a pit of depression and despair.**

And destruction.

_Yeah, you have to try and fit in as many 'd' words as possible. _

**Dejection.**

_**Depondency.**_

Desolation.

**Death.**

**Oh, good one, Wormtail!

* * *

**

What do you think of the fact that there are crazy fangirls and fanboys messing up your lovely canon lives and putting you in to things like... say... angst AU's? (IceSnowAndGlamour)

* * *

_Well, as you can see, Sirius is rather a large fan of angst AU's. _

**Stop calling me Sirius!**

_Annoying git who won't shut up it is then._

I personally love the ones where Lily gets raped by her step-father, and then I come along to save the day.

…_**you like stories where I get raped by my stepfather?!**_

Well no, but the part afterwards is always fun. Usually ends with a steamy X-rated scene in which I fuck you until—

_**--the story ends. Note the word 'story', i.e. FICTION, POTTER.**_

Well you could always make it a reality…

_**In those stories I suddenly realise that I am head over heels in love with a twat who makes sexual innuendos, provokes innocent people for fun, runs their fingers through their hair because they think it's sexy, and flies around on a damned Quidditch pitch like he owns the universe.**_

He doesn't sound so bad

_One thing I don't understand is why Potter and Black mysteriously acquire six packs from twirling around on broomsticks. _

**Shut up, Snivellus, we didn't ask for your opinion. Some people just don't have to work hard to look good, you know?**

_You look like a girl…_

**I do not look like a girl, you look like a slimy grease ball! Oh my god! You've been hanging out with Lily and Peter in the garbage!**

_As attractive as that sounds, Black, I do have better places to spend my time.

* * *

_

To Snape: Who do you hate more...James or Sirius? (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

_Oh heavens, what a choice… _

Well, judging by recent trends, I'd say Padfoot. He's not having much luck in the popularity polls.

**Oh shut up. As if it matters who Snivellus likes better. It's me, anyway. You were the one who dangled him upside down by the lake, and who tripped him over in the hallway, and who—**

You were the idiot who thought it was funny to lead him into the Shrieking Shack…

**Oh yeah, that was funny. Uh…at the time, of course. Bad idea, very bad. I regret it completely. **

_I'll bet. Anyway, as much as I love you two fighting over me, I really can't decide. It's rather difficult. Do I pick the egotistical Quidditch captain who's obsessively in love with a girl who's too good for him, or the equally egotistical womanizer who carries a mirror around in his pocket so he can check himself out at every possible moment? I think I'm going to have to phone a friend…_

Hey! Don't bring Evans into this!

_Too depressed that she'll never fall for someone as arrogant as you Potter_?

Well she'd never go for someone like you.

_**Shut up, both of you! There will be no more arguing, I'm sick to death of it. Why can't you all just get along like normal people?**_

_Well, I know I speak for Sirius when I say that some of us are not entirely normal…_

**Hey!

* * *

**

To Lily: Out of the marauders...who do you think is the best looking? Be completely honest! (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

**_Oh boy, this decision is almost as hard as Severus'. _**

_Hmm, well you could be safe and go with me._

**Or controversial and go with me.**

_Or just forget the Marauders altogether and go for me._

**No one would ever go for you, you look like you haven't washed your hair in…well, ever. It makes me cringe just to think about it!**

_**How about I just don't answer this question…**_

Oh no, you _have_ to answer it.

_**What is this now, truth or dare?**_

Something like that. Besides, our readers have the right to know the truth.

**Well Evans, if I must say so, I have a feeling I know what the answer is.**

_**How the hell would you know that Black? Besides, its not like I spend my time thinking 'oh gosh! Like, which of the Marauders would I date if, like, I could?' like some stupid member of your fan club. **_

**I think you do, Evans. Although, perhaps with a few less 'likes' thrown in there.**

_**Oh please, I wouldn't waste my time thinking about things like that.**_

**I heard you yesterday, talking with your friends after Charms. "Oh Alice, I don't know, Potter's a git but he's so good looking its annoying!"**

_**I didn't say that…**_

She said that?

_You said that?!?!?!?!_

**You know, Evans, I actually have some veritaserum here if you want to give it a go. I can guarantee I'm not lying. **

_**What the hell were you doing, listening to our conversation? More importantly…why were you in the classroom after Charms when you usually rush out as fast as you can to ask Melanie if she'll consider an encounter with you in the broom closet?**_

**Because Prongs asked me to spy on you. **

_**He what?!**_

Yeah, which I can see was a great idea. You think I'm attractive, Evans.

_**Shut up Potter. It's not like it means anything. You can be the most attractive person on earth and still be a complete imbecile. You're the perfect example. Acknowledging you're vaguely good looking does not mean I like you. At all. **_

But you admitted it. You know, I think you're starting to crack, Evans. Sooner or later, you'll come to the conclusion that you'd really like to get me alone in a broom closet…

_Oh don't make me throw up. _

**Don't you every morning, Snivellus, when you look at yourself in the mirror?

* * *

**

How can you tell if your an uber nerd? (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

**What does uber mean?**

I don't know, but it sounds like the sort of word you'd use.

**Well, if you're like Evans, I guess you should be able to tell.**

But she's not your stereotypical nerd…

_No, you're right. That'd be you, Prongs, cos you wear glasses._

Shut up about my glasses! It's not my fault I have poor vision.

**Well maybe someone who looks like you and acts like Evans.**

See, Evans, we're the perfect team. But I'm too handsome and muscular to be a nerd. Aren't nerds really ugly?

_**You must be one, then. **_

Oh don't even try to lie to me, Evans. I know what you really think. Shall I take my shirt off again for you?

_**I think I'll live. **_

**Evans, seriously, I think you have a problem sometimes. You work way too hard. **

_**You mean I actually do the homework we're given and read the textbooks? Yeah, its quite difficult. **_

**It is! I don't know where you get the motivation!**

_**Maybe because I don't have the same desire to sleep with every person in the school, Black. That must take up a lot of your time.

* * *

**_

To Sirius: How many times a day do you have to scrape your anus and get tested for venereal disease? I mean, with that much -activity, you must catch a lot. (rebornandrenewed)

* * *

**(A/N: I don't know if sexually-transmitted diseases were well known about back then. I don't think they were.)**

**I don't really understand what that meant, but it sounds awfully painful. **

_**I think she's implying whether or not you use protection when you're off sleeping with every person in the school.**_

**Protection? I'm sorry, Evans, but not every female happens to be as violent as you.**

_Not that sort of protection, Padfoot. _

**Oh, of course. Well sometimes I do that charm thing.**

_**Sometimes?!**_

**Well, when I remember.**

_**What happens if you get someone pregnant? And I'm pretty sure that doesn't stop you from catching some sort of disease.**_

**You can get diseases from having sex? Oh god! I'm dying! Get me to a healer, quick!

* * *

**

Padfoot, would you give up all your magic for the sexiest girl in the world? Or would you choose to ditch the girl to keep your magic? (Sweet Sadie)

* * *

**Why does everyone assume I'm some shallow prick who only cares about looks?**

_Yeah, who do these people think they are, judging you for picking the skinny, good-looking girls over the less attractive but more intelligent ones?_

**I know, it's so unfair. Hey, wait, was that sarcasm?**

_No, I was simply trying to empathise with you being typecast as a 'shallow prick'._

**Oh, right. Thanks Moony, you know, I've always liked you better than Prongs.**

_Oh my, how the tables have turned._

**I think I'd have to go with magic, though. Even if I can't have the sexiest girl in the world, I can at least have one whose relatively good-looking. **

There's also the fact that you'd really suck at living like a Muggle.

**Yeah, and I couldn't be a Marauder. You'd have to replace me with Peter or something.**

Peter is a Marauder.

**Oh, yeah.

* * *

**

Moony, would you rather be really popular but have not-so-good grades, or the most hated person in school with the best grades in recorded history? (Sweet Sadie)

* * *

_Hmm, well I know what it feels like to be hated, and it's not the best feeling on earth. I think I'd rather have not-so-good-grades, and be popular. Not popular in the sense that I'd be like Padfoot or Prongs, but in the sense that I'd at least have lots of good friends._

**Well you have both. You're popular and you have good grades. Imagine being the most hated person in school with the worst grades in recorded history…**

Or the ugliest person in school with…the worst hygiene in recorded history!

**Yeah I wonder who that'd be. **

Yeah, so don't worry Peter, you haven't got it the worst. And remember, you beat Lily in Transfiguration once…

_**Oh MUST you keep bringing that up?

* * *

**_

I recently broke up with a girlfriend and she's turned into a '' . It's really getting annoying. How do I get her to stop?(and don't say going back out with her.) (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

**What's the '' meant to stand for?**

Annoying bitch, perhaps?

**Yeah but you don't know. It could always be 'an evil seductress with the power to destroy the world.' **

Yeah, or it could be a 'deadly man-eating giant cockroach'.

**Prongs, I think that's getting a little too far-fetched. **

Oh, sorry.

**Well, if we take the rather boring scenario where she'd turned into an annoying bitch, you just ignore her. She'll soon realise she obviously wasn't good enough to be your girlfriend and then go off and shag the Hufflepuff Quidditch team.**

_Why the Hufflepuff Quidditch team?_

**Because before she went out with you she'd already shagged the Slytherin and Gryffindor teams. And those on the Ravenclaw team are smart enough to realise she's a total whore. **

_Right. Makes sense.

* * *

_

My friend is stuck in his closet (kinda like you Sirius). Any advice to help him find the knob for it? (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

**Yeah I tend to get stuck in closets a fair bit. It's awfully dark in there. I usually do a simple spell which allows light to shine from one's wand, revealing the precise location of the knob. **

_Some more witty and intellectual advice from Sirius Black._

_**I have a feeling the closet is metaphorical. As in, the person in question is gay. **_

**Do you think if I cut my hair people would stop assuming I was gay?**

_Maybe if you stopped hitting on men. _

**But I only hit on you, Moony! And that's cos it's oh so much fun! And my advice would be not to even bother searching for the knob. Remain in the closet. It's a lot more exciting in there.**

_Not if the person was gay, Padfoot. _

**Well, no. Like me, they're straight.**

_But say, hypothetically, if they were gay…_

**Well I don't know. I'm not. **

_You keep telling yourself that.

* * *

_

Lily, are you stuck in the closet too? Because I know a few ladies you might like if you find your knob. (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

Oh I'd personally love to witness that... 

_But if Lily is 'stuck in the closet' then that pretty much annihilates any hope you have of ever being with her._

That is true. But if she won't go out with me, I could at least have the satisfaction of watching her having steamy sex with another female.

**Yeah you wouldn't be the only one.**

Back off Padfoot, Evans is mine.

_Don't worry, Prongs, he knows that. I think the concept of two females getting it on is simply making him excitable. _

**What happened to me being gay?**

_Oh, well, if you've finally decided to come out…_

**I have not! I'm just wondering why you pay me out for being gay, and then for being a normal teenage male. **

_I'm just trying to confuse you into admitting that you are actually, in fact, gay._

**Well, that's never going to happen, Moony. Much to your disappointment, I know. **

_**Am I actually going to be allowed to answer this question?**_

**By all means, Evans, go ahead. No one's stopping you.**

_**Right well, ChainOfEvents1265, as attractive as that offer sounds, I must admit that I am wholeheartedly straight. And even if I was that way inclined, there is no possible way I would allow myself to provide perverted entertainment for males such as Potter and Black.**_

**Oh come on Evans. If you won't shag Prongs, the least you can do for him is shag another female. **

_**Sorry to break your heart, Black. **_

You're a cruel one, Evans. I think I'll live, but only if you make it up to me. Anyway, onto the most important part of the segment: the popularity poll. I'm evidently the most popular Marauder, but the fight for second place is fiercely contested by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.

**Yes, last installment Moony appeared to have it won hands down, but this time round Mr. Black is offering some stiff competition…**

Oh yes. There was Mood-chan, who happened to think that Sirius was hotter. And mcrmad also wants to go out with him.

**And modelalxndra said she'd date him over any of the rest of us. **

Yeah. Wait, what? Even me?

**I think so.**

Hmm…I'm going to have to have a word to her.

**Ha! Take that Moony! I have female supporters out there after all!**

_Well, we all knew they wouldn't stay hiding for long. None of them love you enough to dedicate their pen name to you._

**The author has, though! She's all that matters! **

_Alright then. SiriusLoverr, who wins? After all, you get to decide…_

**SiriusLoverr: Well, although admittedly I would date Sirius if the opportunity arose, I think Remus wins this popularity contest hands down. His fans appear to be more…enthusiastic. **

**You're abandoning me! What sort of Sirius fan are you? One who ISN'T. Remus fan, more like it. Why don't you just go and change your name to RemusLoverr?**

**SiriusLoverr: Okay, I'm going to stop making you act so dramatic and sulky now. **

**Meh, I don't need fans to know I'm the hottest one here. I could care less about a stupid popularity contest.**

Yeah, and we all know I'd win it anyway.

_Oh you all sicken me, you really do. Your childish fights over who gets the most attention. _

**Yeah, and you always seem to think its between you three! **

**Peter, mate, that's because it is. **

No one in their right mind would choose you over the rest of us.

_Ah, don't worry about them, Peter. They probably haven't gotten over the fact that you got asked on a date first. I must admit, beating Sirius was quite the self esteem booster, seeing as, well…he gets all the attention. But he can have them all, I don't mind._

**(It's cos he's not into girls).**

_I heard that._

Well, that wraps us up for today's installment. Hope you all enjoyed it. Next segment we investigate the crucial question of Coke or Pepsi, discover Padfoot's inner desire to make the world a better place, and, well...your questions will determine the rest. Oh, and I finally win over the love of my life, Lily Evans.

**_Hmm, we'll see about that._**

**You're getting somewhere Prongs! She didn't swear at you once!**

I told you. It's going to happen.

_

* * *

_

Can I just clarify that I personally don't see Sirius as a shallow, stupid, sex-obsessed prick. Before you yell at me for portraying him as such, note that this story is located under the genre of humour/PARODY. Same goes for the other characters.

Thanks SO MUCH to those who reviewed the last chapter:

**LupinLycanLover, LadyKnightSusan, IceSnowAndGlamour, Lola-LessThanThree, ChainOfEvents1265, Mood-chan, luvnmarauders, modelalxndra, Rider Arya Svit-kona, wannariskit, RhiannonVega, BreakingFoundations, mcrmad **and** Sweet Sadie. **

Thank you thank you thank you! Both to those who have been reviewing up till now, and those who've only just started reading. I'm really glad you like it, cos it sucks when you enjoy writing something and no one else really likes it that much. I promise your questions, if they are not in this chapter, will be coming up! If you've just started reading this, feel free to send in questions and criticism!

**Should Snape be included in the next chapter??? (If no one answers, I'll assume you don't mind and I'll put him in. But I'd like to know if it works or not)**

Oooh and...ONE MORE EXAM LEFT! Woohoo! Then three months of freedom, the beach, and partying it up until I start uni. And, of course, writing fanfiction. CAN'T WAIT.


	8. Chapter 8

If you've read this and laughed, even silently, then this chapter is dedicated to you.

Random thought-provoker: I've come to the realisation that many Sirius characters are based upon Captain Jack Sparrow. I'm sure some of you have already realised this.

* * *

**Installment 8**

_Well, welcome back everyone to the next installment of—_

**What do you think you're doing, introducing us? That's my job!**

**Oh I warned you last time, he's trying to take over our guide and turn it into a perpetrator of evil death-eating values.**

_Well I figured I didn't really have much of a say in the last installment, so I may as well get in where I can._

**Damn right you didn't! That was for a reason. We will not let slimeball Snivellus take over the MARUADERS' guide to life. **

_**Black, there is one of him and four of you. I'm quite sure you can cope.**_

**Well Wormtail doesn't say anything anyway, so he hardly wins the award for most valuable player. And Moony sides with you half the time. So it's pretty much Prongs and I versus you guys.**

_Padfoot, I am not siding with anyone. _

**Don't talk to me, you traitorous git.**

_-sigh- didn't we work this out last time?_

**We did? **

_I believe so._

**Ah. Well then, Moony, it is you, me and Prongs versus Evans and Snivellus. **

**What about me?**

**We've already established you don't talk enough to be counted as one of us.**

**But I'm not siding with Snape…**

If you're not with us, Wormtail, you're against us. But we should begin, don't you think? There's an awful lot of questions to get through today.

* * *

To James: How did you and Sirius become friends? (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

**Well, you see, we were both so immensely attractive that we were just drawn to each other. **

_Oh perhaps no one else wanted to befriend two arrogant arseholes. _

**No. No that wasn't it. **

It was on the Hogwarts Express, I remember now.

**Yeah you asked Evans out for the first time.**

_3972 times later and she's still saying no…_

I actually think you'll find its 4075.

_**Yeah, 4075 times too many. **_

**ANYWAY, back to the story, before another argument ensues…**

Aren't I meant to be telling this? The question was directed at me.

**Yeah but I tell it better. As I was saying, it was on the Hogwarts Express, after you asked Evans out. And I found it utterly hilarious that you got completely and utterly rejected. **

…and then she rejected you too.

**Yeah, you were a cold bitch back then, Evans.**

_**Sorry, Black, I don't really respond to anyone who uses lines involving seeing themselves in my pants. Especially when they obviously borrowed it from a Muggle book, seeing as we don't actually wear pants at Hogwarts.**_

All the better for us.

**Anyhow, Prongsie and I bonded over our mutual rejection, which had left us despondent and dejected.**

_Some more 'd' words, I see._

_**I see Black got over it a lot quicker than you, Potter.**_

I'm still not over it, Evans my dear. Every day that goes by I feel my heart constricting more and more in my chest, until, eventually, I shall cease to exist, wasting away in lovesickness and despair.

_**Potter, talk like that just makes me want to throw up. **_

**I'm with you on that one, Evans. **

_Potter's face just makes me want to throw up._

**Oh Snivellus, you really shouldn't make comments like that when you have the ugliest face in the room. Well, there's Wormtail. What do you reckon, Prongs? **

Well as…unattractive as Wormtail is…I'm going to have to say Snivellus wins the most spew-worthy visage competition.

**Oh, Prongs! I just remembered, we have to organise the annual Marauder partay! **

Thinking about Snivellus' face made you remember we had to organise the annual Marauder 'partay'?

**Yeah. Cos when I think of Snivellus' face, I automatically try to deflect my retching reflexes by thinking about something more attractive. Like my own face. Which is to appear on party invitations. **

Right. Have we decided on what's actually happening yet?

**Well, I was thinking Moony and I can set up a kissing booth. And all these reviewers who are totally in love with us can line up. For a certain fee, of course. The uglier you are, the higher the price. **

_I'm not sure I'm really comfortable doing that…_

**Oh nonsense, Moony. **

_As if anyone would even show up._

**Of course they would. Evans, you'd show up, wouldn't you? **

_**Not to your booth, Black. **_

**Touche. Nah but seriously. Moony, it'll be fun! **

_Kissing random girls is not really my idea of fun…_

**Why not? That's what I live for! Perhaps its because I am more accomplished than you. What's the matter, don't want to be shown up by me when I get ten times as many girls coming to my booth? Note Lady Sarai Black: "Sirius is effin hot"**

_She said I was hot too. _

**But I was the one who came to mind FIRST.**

_I got another marriage proposal from AroundTheClock._

**Yeah, she said she was kidding. Besides, mcrmad wants to go out with ME. Apparently you're only getting girls because they 'feel sorry' for you. Oh, and guess what, Mood-chan has now dedicated her name to me. I am, officially, the hottest marauder! **

_That's very nice, Padfoot. But please, sit down, we're in the library and you're drawing attention.

* * *

_

Padfoot and Moony: Do you actually call each other Remy and Siri? (IceSnowAndGlamour)

* * *

_No. _

**Sometimes I call him Remmy-boy.**

_But that's just to annoy me. _

**Yeah, we generally stick to Padfoot and Moony. We're too manly for silly feminine names. **

_I've heard otherwise, from a certain number of your so-called fangirls…_

**Well, some of them insist on calling me – oh shut up Snivellus, I will not proclaim this publicly.**

It's okay, Pads. I know Moony and I have heard many girls crying out 'oh! Siri-Wiri' after you forgot to put the Silencing Charm around your bed.

**Ah. Sorry about that.**

Yes, it was rather…disturbing. Both to my night's sleep and to my mental sanity.

_**Pfft. Potter, as if you're any different.**_

Well, wouldn't you like to find out now, Evans.

* * *

For James: Would you rather lose all of your best friends and live your life happily with Lily OR have a good life with plenty of friends and never see Lily again after graduation? (xXsweetmusicXx)

* * *

**Choose wisely, Prongs.**

Oh that's too hard, really. I couldn't choose, and I hope I never have to.

_**Oh, you won't have to choose, Potter, because you won't see me again after graduation. I'll make sure of that.**_

-sigh- Lily, why do you hate me so much?

_**You know why. Just answer the question, Potter.**_

Fine, I'd rather live life happily with you.

**Blasphemy! Traitor! Cast him out!**

_Padfoot, we know how obsessed he is with her. _

**What would I do? Where would I go? I LIVE with you!**

Calm down, Padfoot, I'm only trying to placate her so she'll answer MY question.

_**What so you really don't want to live happily with me?**_

I don't know, that depends. Do you care?

_**No! I'm just wondering, that's all. **_

Well, ideally, I'd want to end up living happily with you whilst keeping my best friends. And, if you come around, which I know you gradually are, then it'll work out that way.

**_You'll certainly be ending up with option B there. _**

* * *

What has been your worst experience during a game of truth or dare? (wannariskit)

* * *

**Oh that's easy. I had to take Polyjuice Potion and be Snivellus for a day.**

_That sure beats doing a striptease in the middle of the Gryffindor common room…_

**Oh don't worry, Moony, we made sure everyone forgot it. **

_**Must've missed me, then. I sure remember it.**_

**Well, everyone important. Prongs?**

When Evans caught me trying to break into her dorm in fourth-year. Not only did I break multiple bones but that idiotic transfer student, Lockhart, convinced me he knew the spell to fix them and I ended up in the hospital wing in excruciating pain trying to regrow them…

**Well that wasn't embarrassing. **

Yeah but it was still the worst. I can handle embarrassing. Come on, I've been rejected by Evans basically every day since first year.

**True. How about you Wormtail?**

**Probably when I had to ask Shelly Isaacs to the Christmas Ball, and she spat her lunch all over me. **

Oh yeah, I remember that. What was she eating again?

**Snails.**

Yeah, the poor girl was rather surprised. None of these seem to be particularly bad, though. Surely we've come up with worse things?

_Hey, I thought mine was pretty bad, alright?_

**Yeah Prongs, yours was pathetic in comparison to ours. Imagine. Being SNIVELLUS for a day. He smells disgusting. His hair is tragically awful. And the Slytherin common room does not have a mirror **_**anywhere.**_

_Oh, calamity.

* * *

_

James: My friends would like to know: in terms of pajamas, do you prefer onesies or pajama sets to wear to bed? (AroundTheClock)

* * *

**Your 'friends'…suuuure. **

Yeah looks like I'm back in the running for 'hottest marauder.'

**Nah, that'll always be between myself and Moony. Although modelalxndra says you're her favourite overall.**

Well, as flattered as I am, I can take no offers for dates, seeing as I have eyes only for Lily Evans.

_**Unfortunately, or someone could get you off my back.**_

**Prongs used to have this cute little pajama set with broomsticks on it. **

Shut up, Padfoot, that was when I was twelve and my mother bought them for me.

**Why do you still have them, then? Surely they wouldn't still fit you five years later…**

They're of sentimental importance, okay?!

_**Oh how cute! The one and only James Potter wears broomstick pajama sets to bed.**_

**You were going to say boxers, weren't you? Before I butted in? Cos everyone would love to think that James Potter only wears boxers to bed.**

I do!

_Yeah, they have cartoon pictures of Merlin on them. _

**Not quite as awesome as my 'I'm a sex machine' boxers. **

_Or as exciting as your red g-string…_

**Hey! That was an unwanted birthday gift!**

**Unwanted? But you asked me to order them for you especially…oh, was I not supposed to say anything?

* * *

**

Padfoot, Prongs: What exactly has Snape done to deserve your loathing? (Ajariel the Bloody)

* * *

**Oh, you know, just existing. **

Calling Evans a mudblood!

**His lack of hygiene…**

Being rude to Evans…

**...his **_**terrible**_** hair…**

…being friends with Evans…

…**being friends with Malfoy…**

…being a Slytherin scumbag…

…**being an annoying git…**

…being in love with Evans…

**What?! **

I found out from a reviewer:

* * *

Prongs, how would you react if a (VERY) reliable source told you that Snape was in love with Lily? (Sweet Sadie)

* * *

**Pssht. Reliable source indeed.**

_**Severus isn't in love with me, are you? **_

_Ah, well the thing is, Lily…that…_

He is! The slimy scumbag! How dare you?!

_How dare I what? Steal her away from you? You're not dating her, Potter, stop deluding yourself. She'd never stoop that low. _

I've been in love with her since first year!

_Right. So you're telling me you didn't want her just because she was the only girl who wouldn't look twice at you?_

Yes! You, on the other hand, are a treacherous scumbag who abandons good friends for some stupid death eater clan.

_**Okay, stop it. If you're just going to keep arguing then maybe you should leave, Severus.**_

_I won't be leaving because of Potter. _

_**Alright, have it your way. Just try and be civil to one another. Especially as you're supposed to be answering people's questions. **_

Okay.

_**Okay? You're not contradicting me? **_

No, I think you're right.

_**Have you seriously been in love with me since first year?**_

I think we should follow your advice and get on with the questions, hmm?

_**Oh. Right, sure.

* * *

**_

Remus: Is it hard to constantly be associated to these two buffoons, and have their reputation? (Ajariel the Bloody)

* * *

_I'm assuming you mean Padfoot and Prongs here. _

**Well, I highly doubt it'd be me.**

_Exactly. Well I don't know, it's not like I'm entirely innocent either. I've played my part in numerous pranks. Perhaps it's because I'm not as loud and sexually active that I appear less…buffoon-ish._

_**But it's true, Remus. You're a nice guy. And you know when to stop, unlike those two. **_

**Oh come on, Evans, everyone loves our pranks!**

_**But when you just prank people for fun, and they have negative consequences, it's going too far. I wouldn't have such a problem with you if you knew when to just act…normal. **_

**It's who we are, Evans. **

So that's why you hate us so much.

_**Well if you'd been paying attention the numerous times I'd explained that to you, then you'd probably have realised that six years ago.**_

**As if, Evans. You're just playing hard to get. **

_**I am not! I doubt, if I really liked Potter, that I would play 'hard to get' for six entire years…**_

Yeah, that's true. Guess I should just give up eventually. I'd just hoped that you'd come around, it being our last year of school and all.

_**Look, James…yes I KNOW Black, don't jump with joy, it's just a name alright? It doesn't mean I'm wholeheartedly in love with someone. James…the only way I would ever 'come around' is if you changed. That's really all there is to it. If you'd just…grow up a bit, stop torturing people for the sake of pranks, and actually stopped asking me out every single bloody day and showing off on that broomstick…maybe I'd think about it.**_

**Not worth it, Prongs. Nothing comes above pranking.**

_Well, I guess she has a point about the pranking. Sometimes you can take it a little too far. _

**Nonsense. Hey, where'd Prongs go?**

_To wallow in sorrow that he's been rejected, for the four thousand and seventy-sixth time._

_**Severus, stop it. You're just as bad as he is. **_

_I'm not and you know it! Lily, I've known you since we were kids. He's just a prick who wants to bed you so he can say he's tamed the ice queen._

_**The ice queen?**_

_Well, you know. You don't exactly…put out. _

_**I can't believe you! You're going on about Potter, when you want exactly the same thing! So what if I've known you since we were kids, you've been nothing but a total jerk to me these past few years. You hardly acknowledge me, and you called me a…well, you know what. Potter might be aggravating, but at least he doesn't insult me. **_

_Are you saying you like Potter, now?_

_**Oh don't be ridiculous. I wish you would both stop acting like you're five years old and grow some sense. Argh I'm so SICK OF MEN. **_

**Thinking of turning from the straight road, eh Evans?**

_**Sorry to disappoint you, Black, but no.**_

**Dammit!

* * *

**

To Snape: How come you never told Lily that you gave your heart and life to her? You really missed an opportunity to be with her. Sarcastic and talented git. (rebornandrenewed)

* * *

_Uhhhh…_

_**Oh please. I don't want to hear this right now. **_

_Well, firstly because Potter would probably murder me in my sleep. Thank Merlin he's not here right now. And, I guess I just didn't work up the courage to. That's really all there is to it. _

_**But…you don't like me, Severus. I'm a muggleborn, anyway, I don't fit in with your idea of the perfect witch or anything. Which is pathetic anyway. **_

_No, but you're smart, and talented, and funny. And…_

Fucking beautiful.

_Well, yes, I suppose that's true. Wait, you're back..._

I am. Apparently you and I have more in common than I first thought, Snivellus.

_**Oh don't call him that. And stop this excessive flattery, it's ridiculous. **_

It's not, Evans! It's all true! Padfoot, tell her it's true.

**Uh…it's true. And I only hesitated because I wasn't sure if this was a test where if I said yes Prongs would hex me into oblivion…**

_**Remus…**_

_Lily, I think it's fairly obvious they both genuinely like you. _

_**Well, so what if they do? I didn't ask for them to like me. **_

_Alright, alright, we'll sort this out later. Too much drama for one segment. Onto the next question…

* * *

_

Why do guys put off homework until the last minute cause they're 'lazy'? (Rider Arya Svit-kona)

* * *

Because we actually are 'lazy.'

**Yeah, we have more important things to do, like check out girls, make out with girls, have sex with girls, oh, and the occasional Quidditch match/training session.**

Exactly. Why do homework when you could be doing more interesting things, like…think about Evans. DAMMIT, why do I always think about her?!

_**I'm right here, Potter.**_

Yes, yes, I know. You always are. That's why you're so damn distracting!

_**Potter, it's not my fault you can't control your raging hormones. **_

**Mm, he definitely can't. Do you know how many times I've caught him wanking off in our dorm? Well, not anymore, because he's in the Heads dorm…with you. **

Padfoot!

_**I really don't want to know about Potter's disgusting habits, Black.**_

**Oh, it's perfectly natural you know. I've looked it up, apparently even most females do it. **

_**Yeah, and I'll bet that book was written by a man.**_

**Probably, why does that make a difference?

* * *

**

Sirius, how come you're sex crazed all the time? Can you be like, normal like Remus maybe? (luvnmarauders)

* * *

**Normal being asexual?**

_No, normal being NORMAL. _

**I'm perfectly normal. What teenage guy doesn't think about sex twenty-four hours a day?**

I'm pretty sure you can't think about sex for twenty-four hours a day.

**Oh, it's possible. Wormtail should know, too. He's quite the little horny thing.**

**You're just saying that to make yourself feel more 'normal', Padfoot. **

**Oh I guess so. But why would I want to be normal like Moony? I get plenty of action. **

_**Is it actually all that gratifying, though? I mean…surely the more times you do it the more mundane it becomes?**_

**Oh, my naïve child, that is not so! Do not underestimate the gratification that comes from sexual pleasure.**

_**But all the girls you do it with are exactly the same! And they last one night, or a few if they're really good. Where's the gratification in that? There's no love, or emotional connection. It's purely physical.**_

**What can I say? I'm a physical being.**

It's true. He's not exactly the steady boyfriend type.

_**No well that I can see. But…don't you sometimes wish there was something…more?**_

**Hmm…NOPE. **

_**Well, you really are as shallow as I thought.

* * *

**_

Sirius, if you dropped me after one day I would make you sorry, how has some self-respecting girl not gotten you back for humiliating her? (modelalxndra)

* * *

**Hmm, yeah a lot of girls are like you. They never really make me sorry. **

Oh come on, some of them are quite vengeful. Remember that girl who poisoned your goblet in the great hall?

**No.**

Then there was the one who you dumped after a few days (she must've been one of the better ones) and you went out with her best friend. So she charmed your hair so it started falling out…

_Oh yeah! And you were bald as an eagle for an entire week._

**Oh, I think I remember that. I went to the library for the first time ever to try and find a regrowth spell. And I didn't have sex for that entire week. **

_**Oh, how awful. **_

**Oh Evans, you cannot begin to imagine what that's like. **

_**No, probably not.**_

**Alright, last question. A very profound one, if I say so myself.

* * *

**

Coke or Pepsi? (RhiannonVega)

* * *

**Well, I've never tried Pepsi, but I bought some coke from a Muggle in London once. The effects are incredible!**

_You do realise we're not talking about marijuana, but the Muggle DRINK?_

**Oh, you can drink it as well?**

I don't think I've had either. Evans, you would have, right?

_**Yeah, they're pretty similar, really. But I'd probably go with Coke. **_

_Why would you buy Muggle drinks when you can just drink wizard drinks?_

_**Well, if you were MUGGLEBORN maybe you would. Besides, I'd prefer a can of Coke to pumpkin juice any day.**_

What about Butterbeer?

_**Well, I guess that's different. I guess I've learnt to like both Muggle and wizard drinks. **_

**How about that new drink that makes smoke come out of your mouth?**

I haven't tried that. But they're sponsoring the Quidditch World Cup aren't they?

**Yeah. **

By the way, Evans, I have a spare ticket if you want to come.

**Oi! That's for me!**

I have more than one, idiot.

_**Well, I'll think about it…**_

She's coming around.

_**I heard that, Potter. **_

As I said, you're coming around.

* * *

**Reviewers for the last chapter:**

**xXsweetmusicXx**

**ChainOfEvents1265**

**wannariskit**

**IceSnowAndGlamour**

**LupinLycanLover**

**AroundTheClock**

**Rider Arya Svit-kona**

**modelalxndra**

**Lady Sarai Black**

**Mood-chan-SIRIUS IS UBER HOT**

**luvnmarauders**

**Lola-LessThanThree**

**rebornandrenewed**

**Messrs Padfoot and Prongs**

**Ajariel the Bloody**

**Valmarien**

I love you! Thank you so much for all the questions and suggestions, I obviously wouldn't be able to write this story without you! Thank you especially to those of you who have stuck with this from the beginning, or who have sent me great reviews. And by 'great' I don't mean overt praise, I mean awesome questions and constructive suggestions! You know who you are.

* * *

Questions, comments, suggestions, criticisms: all welcome! 


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

Sorry for the wait, as you know I've finished school and have been living up the good life. But I'm back in Sydney with a computer now. And that is obvious by the fact this chapter is incredibly long.

A big thank you goes to **Lola-LessThanThree, Lady Sarai Black, RhiannonVega, ChainOfEvents1265, Messrs Padfoot and Prongs, IceSnowAndGlamour, modelalxndra, wannariskit, BreakingFoundations, Rider Arya Svit-kona, Mood-chan-SIRIUS IS UBER HOT, luvnmarauders, LupinLycanLover, rebornandrenewed, Voldy's Worst Nightmare **and** ForNeverAndNever**.

* * *

**Installment 9**

James

**Sirius**

_Remus_

**Peter**

_**Lily

* * *

**_

_Welcome back everyone, it's the ninth segment of our guide to life! _

**And to celebrate the tenth chapter next time, we're going to bring in a special guest, the Headmaster of Hogwarts himself – Albus Dumbledore!**

**Yes, so if you have any questions for the D Man ask away, he'll only be here for one installment. **

Now, due to very unfortunate circumstances Sniv, I mean, Snape, cannot be with us today. I know all our readers must be sorely disappointed.

_**Unfortunate circumstances? He's in the hospital wing with a cactus growing out of his head!**_

Ah yes indeed. It's quite tragic. Padfoot and I have been up there numerous times to offer our condolences.

_**You watered his head and gave him pneumonia…**_

**The poor plant was dying! **

Must've been the grease in his hair, too concentrated for even a cactus to sustain life.

**We were simply helping a living creature to blossom, Evans. Nothing wrong with that. Mind you, Madam Pomfrey decided we'd helped enough after a few hours.**

Such a party pooper.

_**You only did that so he wouldn't be able to come and offer his opinion.**_

**We always knew you were a smart cookie, Evans. But you know, I think I would've done it anyway. Just because it's so entertaining. **

_**Did you even get in trouble at all?**_

Detention with Filch.

**For a month. **

But we've had worse.

* * *

Boxers or briefs? (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

_Well we already know Padfoot wears boxers. PINK boxers. _

**And red G-strings…**

**We've been through this already, Wormtail, UNWANTED birthday present!**

At least he wears something, Wormtail…

**And you're implying that I don't? **

Well I'm just interested to know why I've never seen your underwear lying around. Or is that because you simply don't wash it at all?

**Oh please don't even go there, I'd rather not know. **

_Me neither. _

Fair enough. Can't really say that anyone would want to know about Wormtail's underwear. Okay, Moony what do you prefer?

_I wear both really. Depends what I feel like. _

Mm me too. Boxers aren't the best for Quidditch, they get in the way.

**Ah yes, you need a bit of support when you're flying, so other things don't fly everywhere. **

_**OKAY! Enough information! **_

**Oh, Evans, I'd forgotten you were there. So immersed in hearing about our underwear, I assume. Well, now it's only fair we hear about yours. G-strings or panties? Or giant granny-undies?**

_**That's really none of your business, Black.**_

**No, but it's Prongs'. I'm sure he'd love to know. Not that it really matters, seeing as he'd be the one taking them off. Sometimes I think it'd be so much easier if women didn't wear any underwear at all. It just gets in the way. **

_**Potter will not be going anyway near my underwear, thank you very much. **_

Oh just give it time, Evans, and you'll be begging me to take them off you.

_**Potter, the chance of that happening is about the same as me becoming pregnant with your child.**_

So a pretty good one, then?

_**I have no desire to give future generations of witches the pain of bringing another prick into the world, Potter.

* * *

**_

Lily: You remind me a lot of my friend. That's good, don't worry. Do you enjoy using sarcasm as much as I do? Because I believe it is an art form and must be constantly refined (AroundTheClock) **(A/N: As do I. Perhaps it's why I am able to write sarcasm, I use it fairly often)

* * *

**

_**I'm not naturally a very sarcastic person. I suppose it just comes out when I'm around particular people…**_

**Or perhaps it's more that your inner, bitter and cynical self comes out around the people you love the most.**

_**Oh yes, because I certainly count you and Potter among those I love the most. **_

**See, this girl is good! Right down to the drawl and the roll of the eyes. **

_**Black, as I said, sarcasm comes naturally to me. But it's not like I spend my time thinking up witty retorts. **_

No, because that would impede into your James Potter fantasies, wouldn't it?

_**Yes, you know, I was having one just last night.**_

Oh really?

_**Yeah, in the middle of a Quidditch game your broom started thwacking you over the head, you fell down and broke every bone in your body. **_

And then you were so upset you spent days by my bedside in the hospital wing, until when I finally got better we had wild sex –

_**No, I think I laughed for a while. And then I remembered I had to finish my Transfig homework and forgot all about you. **_

You're a cruel one, Evans. Choosing Transfiguration over me.

**I always knew she had a thing for McGonagall. Oh, my dream come true! **

_Padfoot, I'm sorry, but that's just wrong. She's a teacher. _

**And a pretty fine one, too! Just imagine, Prongs, McGonagall and Lily…**

Although I have never seen anything wrong with your long-standing crush on Professor McGonagall, I'd prefer it to be JAMES POTTER and Lily, Padfoot.

**Hmm, I wonder who she'd rather choose, you or McGonagall?**

_**Black, stop with the hypothetical scenarios. And the disturbing mental images. **_

**Okay, fine. I'll stop. But here's one a reader has posed for you…

* * *

**

To Lily: If James stopped asking you out, honestly, what would be your initial reaction? (Ajariel the Bloody)

* * *

_**Well, this is incredibly hypothetical, isn't it. **_

**Was that sarcasm?**

_**No, it wasn't.**_

**I can't tell anymore! **

_**Well, it's obviously hypothetical, isn't it, because Potter asks me out on average three times a day. And, of course, the hypothetical context is reinforced by the use of the 'if'.**_

**Yeah, I don't know whether I can imagine Prongs not asking Lily out. **

**It'd be like Mulciber turning into a decent person. Or Snape washing his hair. Or Lily and McGonagall getting it on in the Prefect bathroom…**

_**Not quite that incredible, I don't think. **_

Well I think it's pretty obvious what would happen. I'd never end up going out with her.

_Hate to reinforce this again, Prongs, but she's not exactly on the verge of going out with you now, is she?_

**Okay, Lily, imagine you go into the Great Hall tomorrow morning and pass Prongs and he…dare I say it…ignores you. What would you do?**

Why would I ignore Evans?

**Shut up, Prongs, I'm delving deep into her inner psyche here. Just go with it. **

Oh, delving, right.

_**Why would Potter ignore me? He asks me out several times a day…**_

**Ah, but that isn't answering the question, Evans. If I remember correctly, it was you who enforced the fact that it was a 'hypothetical' scenario. **

_**But didn't we establish that Potter not asking me out would never happen? **_

**Evans, you're a smart girl. I'm sure you understand the concept of a hypothetical situation. **

_**Of course I understand it, Black, and I'm surprised you do, for that matter.  
**_

**I think you are trying to get out of answering the question…**

_**I'm not!**_

**So answer it then.**

_**Argh! You're insufferable! Fine, if Potter stopped asking me out, I would be…surprised.**_

**Surprised? Not relieved? Joyful? Jubilant? Ecstatic? Euphoric? **

_**Well maybe afterwards. But the question was 'initial' reaction. And I'd be surprised. Wouldn't you?**_

**Well personally, Prongs doesn't ask me out three times a day my dear.**

_**Yes I know that. I just mean, well, it's like one of those common occurrences, something constant. I can always count on Potter to ask me out, and he can pretty much count on me yelling back at him every time. **_

But I always hope for a different reaction.

_**I think I'd be curious, actually. Because it would mean either he's finally given up on me, or that something was drastically wrong with him. **_

**Mm yes I'd have to agree with you there. I reckon you should say yes one of these days, Evans. He might give up, you know, and we don't have much of Hogwarts left, you may never see him again. **

_**Oh, tragedy.**_

**Oh come on, Evans, you'd miss him a little bit, wouldn't you? **

_**Black, look at who you're speaking to, please. **_

**No, I'm being serious. I see the way you sometimes look at him. Like he's not half bad, and if he only shut up and stopped being a jerk once in a while you'd give him a chance. **

_**I believe you mistook that glance for my 'oh Potter, you're never going to grow up are you' look. **_

**Oh no! I, Sirius Black, am the master of reading looks. The one you are sporting now, for instance, says to me 'oh Sirius, I think you are incredibly hilarious but because I am Evans the ice queen I will attempt not to laugh because that would ruin my reputation.'**

_**I am not trying not to laugh!**_

**Whatever you say, Evans dearest. I can see the ghost of a smile upon your lips. **

_Don't listen to him. He always tells me the look I give him says 'Sirius I want to have kinky animal sex with you right now'. _

**As I said, I am the master of reading looks.

* * *

**

Lily: Would you ever think of getting married with James and having a kid with him? Answer truthfully, no lies. (Rider Arya Svit-kona)

* * *

_**Oh who chooses these questions? And why are they suddenly all directed at me and dealing with hypothetical situations?**_

**Don't be a bad sport, Evans, and answer the question. **

_Oh I know the answer to this one!_

_**Remus, if you know what's good for you you'll remain silent. **_

**Uh, Moony, I don't think it's difficult to know the answer to this one. This is Evans we're talking about. She hates Prongs. **

**Unless…**

She doesn't…

_**Alright alright it was a dream, okay? It's not like I have a deep dark desire to become your wife, Potter. **_

But you know what they say about dreams, they express your unconscious and innermost thoughts.

**So what was this dream about, exactly?**

_**What do you think? I was married to Mr. Toerag over there. **_

And we had a child?

_**No. Well…not yet.**_

**Ah.**

You know Evans, to get pregnant you have to do the dirty deed.

_**Sorry to disappoint you, Potter, but no I've never had a sex dream. With you. **_

Well you're obviously missing out. I'm sure the real thing is way better, anyway. Care to try it out sometime?

_**I'll pass, thanks. **_

_Alright, I think we've embarrassed Lily enough now. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up, it just kinda slipped out…_

_**It's okay, Remus. It's not like it was a bad dream anyway. It was actually quite a good one. **_

**You had a good dream with him in it? Was he in my body or something?**

_**You know, Potter, I think any kid would be really lucky to have you as a father. **_

Th-thanks…Evans?

* * *

What's the worst snogging experience you've ever had? (Sirius don't take this one over, we know you've had a lot of snogging experience and more ;) I LOVE YOU SNAPE!) (wannariskit) **(A/N: Sorry I don't have Snape in this chapter, he'll be back. Once he recovers from pneumonia)

* * *

**

_Right, well seeing as Prongs is currently speechless due to receiving a compliment from the one and only Lily Evans, I will take responsibility for answering this question for him. I think I can safely say it was with Sarah Isaacs on Halloween last year._

**She was alright for me.**

_She threw up all over him._

**Ah. I think I remember that. She was incredibly drunk?**

_No I think she had food poisoning. _

_**Poor girl. **_

**Hey, I'd feel sorrier for Prongs. He was the one covered in bile. What about you, Moony?**

_Worst snogging experience? Well, I can't say I've had many to compare. Probably my first one, in third year. She pounced on me, I had no idea what to do, and then her boyfriend comes along and punches my lights out. _

**Ah yes, that was incredibly amusing. Who would've thought you'd be one to steal someone's girlfriend Moony.**

_It's not as if I had a choice in the matter, really. _

**Apart from that though, was she good? It was Marsha, wasn't it?**

_Marie. I don't know, I can't remember anything that happened six hours prior to being knocked out. I only know it happened because you told me. Anyway, what's been your worst, Padfoot? _

**Well I've had a few. There was Linda Thompson, who bit my tongue. Grace whatshername who used to pull my hair painfully every time. No particular one stands out, though. Oh…wait. No, that's too painful to even speak about. **

Let me guess, the Bellatrix incident?

**Oh Prongs you're back, and absolutely not at the opportune moment. SHUT THE HELL UP YOU MAD IDIOT!**

_Bellatrix…nasty, Slytherin, sworn enemy of all of us, and oh, YOUR COUSIN?! Please tell me there is another Bellatrix at Hogwarts…_

There isn't.

_**Oh my god, Sirius, it was an accident, right?**_

**Yeah, of course it bloody was! I don't exactly go round snogging my cousins whenever I feel like it! **

_**May I ask…how?**_

**She was over at our house, before I left, that is. So a few years back now. I had my girlfriend at the time over, luckily she was a pureblood so old Mum didn't have a fit. One night I was feeling a bit…frisky…so I decided to go into her room to, well, you know. But I must've gone into Bellatrix's by mistake. Let's just say that was the worst shock of my life. **

_You only reached the snogging part, right? _

**Yeah, thank god. And it was me who noticed. –shudders- It was a rather horrible experience and I'd rather not go back there. **

_Well, she certainly has some blackmail material for you doesn't she?_

**Yeah, evil bitch. I don't know why she hasn't let it out already, actually. Anyway, let's move on. Evans? **

_**Oh, my worst snogging experience…um, well, I haven't exactly had one to, you know…be the judge of that. So let's move on to Peter, shall we?**_

Oh no no no. Wait, you've never snogged a guy?

_**No, Potter, I haven't. Go ahead and laugh, I'll give you a minute if you like. **_

No, I wouldn't laugh, I just…but you've had boyfriends…

_**I didn't do anything. When it came to the moment or whatever I didn't feel like it. That's why some of them broke up with me, actually, because I wouldn't do it. **_

**Wow. **

**Hey, it's not that amazing. I've never snogged anyone either, you know.**

**Yes but you're not exactly hot property Wormtail.**

Evans, on the other hand…oh boy. You must drive them all insane.

_**Who?**_

Guys.

**(Like Prongs)**

Well, yeah. I mean, they obviously all think about snogging you.

_**Right, sure Potter.**_

How could they not? Evans, you're bloody gorgeous.

**Yeah, he thinks about snogging you all the time.**

Not in a bad way, I swear. Just in a …

…**I want to snog you kinda way. Prongs, that's really the only kind of way there is.**

I meant, I don't know. Well I've probably told you all this before, but I think about you all the time. And I can't help it.

**But he doesn't try to stop it either.**

_**But, Potter, you think a lot of girls are gorgeous. There are plenty of them all over you. The only reason you want me is because I'm the only one who won't have you. It has nothing to do with how gorgeous I am, or whatever. **_

You can think that all you want Evans. But I think that's just the idea you hide behind. You can't seem to accept that I can't look at anyone besides you. I don't give any other girl the same attention I give you. Surely you can see that? And you're not some stupid bet or conquest or anything, for heavens sake ask these guys, they'll tell you I've been on about you since first year!

_**Alright, Potter. I'll admit that maybe I can see that. But even if you genuinely like me, I could never possibly like someone who acts like you do. **_

As opposed to Snape, who insults you? Who hangs out with the sons of Death Eaters?

_**You're no better, Potter. You can be cruel as well.**_

Alright, so I jerk around a lot. Most of its all in good fun, even Dumbledore can see that. And the only reason I hate Snape so much is because of what he's done to you. And I can't stand Slytherins pure-blood jerks, you know that. And however cruel you think I am, I would NEVER desert my friends. You can make excuses for him all you want, but the fact is he turned his back on you.

_**I-I never said you would do that, I just…**_

What? You just what? Please enlighten me as to the reason you've hated me all these years.

_**I don't hate you, Potter. I never have. You just…really know how to push my buttons, that's all. And I wish you'd stop, because if you had, then maybe I would've given you a chance. **_

So it's too late now?

_**It's too late now.**_

**Oh god this is making me sick, can we move on now please? Prongs, if you feel the need to have an emotional rant to your future wife, please make it private from now on.

* * *

**

Sirius: As much as I love Remus, I have to admit that you are incredibly handsome. So, I was just wondering. How do you get your hair so shiny and soft? -pets- (xXsweetmusicXx)

* * *

**Oh excellent, a question that's completely off topic. Give em time to cool down a bit. Well, dear reader, I thank you for the compliment. Although I would love to say this hair comes naturally to me, both my parents had disgusting hair, so unfortunately I have to actually do things to it to make it look this good.**

'_Do things to it' means 'spend an entire hour every morning in front of the mirror'. _

**I think that is a slight exaggeration, Moony.**

**Oh no, I really don't think it is.**

**Shut up, Mr. I-don't-wear-underwear. Or, in the case that you do, Mr. I-never-wash-my-underwear. I take half an hour maximum in the bathroom. If you guys wish to use it, you can get up earlier or simply shower in the evenings. **

_In other words, the world revolves around you._

**No, but the bathroom mirror does. Just because I'm the only one who likes to take care of their personal hygiene. **

_Padfoot, we do take care of our personal hygiene. We are simply able to do with a lot less glances at our reflections. _

**I have to ensure I am presentable. **

_Pray enlighten us reeking peasants on how to become pristine and polished like yourself._

**You could give Evans a run for her money with your sarcasm, Moony. In answer to the question, I actually wash my hair, a habit which Wormtail has yet to acquire. However, not only do I wash it once, but twice. Just to be sure. Conditioning is also highly important, because it gives the hair that sleek and shiny look, without it becoming knotted and tangled. Although, I only use it in small doses, because otherwise conditioner can make your hair look greasy.**

_So Snape may not by an unhygienic as we think. Perhaps he just uses too much conditioner?_

**Oh no. The Severus Snape look can only be achieved after years of avoiding any sort of cleaning product, including water. It is also helpful to occasionally brush your hair, so as not to end up with the matted and unkempt look worn by so many Muggle musicians. **

_So, basically, to get hair like yours all you have to do is wash and brush it. _

**And condition, Moony, condition!**

_Right so wash, condition and brush. Oh, and perhaps dye it black and grow it out to the same length. _

**Don't mock me, achieving hair like mine is so much more than that, it requires a great deal of effort. **

_Oh yes, how could I forget the added essential of carrying round a pocket mirror and comb in your robes all day to 'touch up'._

**Yes, I find that sometimes when sprinting away from Peeves or Filch after conducting a rather fantastic prank, my hair tends to go a little haywire. **

**Why don't you just cut it, so you don't have to do as much to it?**

**Wormtail, my hair is my trademark. I would never dream of cutting it. Besides, long hair gives one a sense of freedom, especially when facing an oncoming gust of wind. Rather like wearing a Muggle girl's skirt. **

_I won't ask how you can possibly compare those two things. _

**Dress-up party. I swear.

* * *

**

Remus: How does it feel when love-sick fangirls make you into the angst-ridden, heavily scarred (you could be, of course. I'm not sure), tragic, dramatic hero? (AroundTheClock)** (A/N: For the purpose of this question, I will pretend that the Marauders and Lily are NOT at Hogwarts but in some heavenly realm or something post-their tragic deaths. Just for this question, because for the other questions, they are at Hogwarts).

* * *

**

_Well, I suppose I am, in a way. Apart from the angst-ridden and dramatic part. I do die a rather tragic, if completely irrelevant, death. _

**Yes, they did skip over you a bit in the last book didn't they. **

_Yes, something along the lines of 'there was Fred, of whom a detailed description of the pain caused by his death was already discussed, and beside him were Lupin and Tonks. They're not important, so let's just skip ahead to the exciting part where Harry Potter meets Voldemort.'_

…**so much for not angst-ridden. Bit hung up, are we Moony?**

_Well, you certainly got your fair share of death description. _

**My death was more tragic.**

_Oh really._

**Yes. My time had not yet come. You'd settled down with a wife and child. **

_Well, that's evidently because you're gay, isn't it. Obviously, if you weren't, you'd have had some hot young thing on your arm and wouldn't have spared a second thought for your godson. _

**Oh, yeah, that must be it. **

_Well, I must admit I do find it a bit strange that the flirtatious womanizer we all knew never ended up with anyone during his later life._

**I was psychologically scarred from being tortured in Azkaban, thank you very much! Give me a little credit here!**

_Seems to me you should take my place as the, what was it, angst-ridden, heavily scarred, tragic, dramatic hero._

**No, no, I'm far better suited to the cocky, arrogant, stupid manwhore with no ability to remember anyone's names. **

_That is true. Or the hyperactive, excitable freak who makes idiotic jokes constantly. _

**Well, it's more interesting than 'Mr. Nice Guy'. **

_Yeah, that stereotype, I must say, AroundTheClock, gets to me more than the dramatic hero one. Some people seem to forget I actually was a Marauder, albeit a slightly more trustworthy and reliable one. _

**I think you two should stop complaining, you may get stereotyped, but at least you actually get written about. **

**Ah yes, that is true. That reminds me, how is everything with your new girlfriend, who –cough-, left you for me. **

**Well she said: **Please don't tell me I hurt your feelings! I was merely trying to deflate Sirius' head. So please tell me: Will you still go out with me, and will you be my boyfriend? (rebornandrenewed, of course)

_AHAHA nice job trying. But Padfoot's head will not be deflating any time soon. _

**Phhhst. This one's a right little suck up isn't she. You can have her, Wormtail.**

**She was nice…**

**Of course you'd think she's nice. She's the first person to have ever shown an interest in you!**

**That's not true! Karen Appleby asked me out last year. **

**Because she was obsessed with Prongs and wanted to stalk him. **

**Whatever. I'm still going to go out with her. I just…won't go to Madam Pudifoot's again. **

**-shrugs- Whatever floats your boat.

* * *

**

All: what do you think is your 'theme song'? (Voldy's Worst Nightmare)

* * *

I'd have to say Padfoot's is 'What Shall We Do With a Drunken Sailor?' **(A/N: This sea shanty I remember from when I lived in England. I'm assuming most of you won't know how it goes. There are various versions, but this is one of them:**

**Intro **

**What shall we do with a drunken sailor, (3×) **

**Early in the morning? **

**Chorus **

_**Hoo–ray/Wey–hey/Heave-ho and up she rises,**_** (3×) **

_**Early in the morning.**_

**Verses **

**Put him in the ****longboat**** till he's sober, (3×)**

**Early in the morning. **

**Put him in bed with the captain's daughter, (3×)**

**Early in the morning. **

**Pull out the plug and wet him all over, (3×)**

**Early in the morning. **

**Put him in the ****scuppers**** with a ****hosepipe**** on him, (3×)**

**Early in the morning. **

**Heave him by the leg in a ****running bowline****, (3×)**

**Early in the morning. **

**Tie him to the ****taffrail**** when she's ****yardarm**** under, (3×)**

**Early in the morning. **

**Keelhaul**** him, keelhaul him (3×)**

**Early in the morning. **

**Shave his belly with a rusty razor, (3×)**

**Early in the morning. **

**Outro **

**That's what we'll do with a drunken sailor, (3×) **

**Early in the morning. **

**I thought it very much applied to Sirius' presumably drunken encounters.)**

**Prongs, once again you are back at precisely the least opportune moment, I thank you kindly for your contribution.**

You're welcome.

_See, I'd have to disagree there. Rod Stewart's Do Ya Think I'm Sexy is much more appropriate. _

_**No, Remus, the chorus perhaps, appears very Sirius. However the whole 'he's acting shy' and 'he's so nervous' bit, not quite. **_

_Well, I suppose that's true. Drunken Sailor we'll go with, then. _

**Now for you, Moony, I would suggest Werewolves of London. **

_Ah yes, I thought someone might suggest that. Warren Zevon, 19…79? _

It was just after we got outta Hogwarts, must've been '78.

_Well, as much as I disagree, I'll go with you on this one. I suppose it is appropriate! _

**How about Prongs?**

_**James Dean. The Eagles.**_

**Well you seem to know a lot of Muggle songs.**

_**Yeah gee I wonder why.**_

**Never heard it.**

_**Wouldn't be surprised. **_

I have. Bit depressing isn't it? He was a Muggle movie star right?

_**Yeah well, if you ignore the 'too young to die' part, I suppose. **_**(A/N: What makes it even sadder is that James Potter, obviously, was too young to die. But…they're not supposed to know that right now. By the way that song came out in 1974 I think, so it would've been while they were still in Hogwarts)**

So you think that's my theme song?

_**Well, I don't know. It reminds me of you, when I listen to it. Might just be because of the name James though, I'm not sure. **_

**Alright so we've got me, Prongs and Moony so far. What about Wormtail and ****Evans?**

I have the perfect song for Snivellus, Pads, which I'm sure you'll agree with.

**I Fell in Love with a S****limeball?**

Close.Grease. From that Muggle movie…the one with all the dancing and stuff.

_**That's not nice, Potter. But I have another suggestion for Black. You're So Vain – Carly Simon. **_

Oh he's heard that one, I've made sure of it. We charmed his pocket mirror so that every time he takes it out...

**-James and Remus break into song-**

Go on, get it out.

**Oh it's so painful!**

"You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte  
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner  
They'd be your partner, and...  
You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you…"

**Okay, enough!**

Ah yes, it's quite a toss-up between that and Drunken Sailor now. They both fit quite well, don't you think?

_**Very.**_

**I'm special. I get to have two theme songs. **

Okay well two is more than enough. Snape even has a theme song and Moony and Evans still need one.

**Evans is easy. Just think of songs with women's names. **

_**It has to be a Muggle song, though. Cos I listened to those a lot. But I'm really tired right now, so I'm going to leave you guys to finish up. If you come up with a theme song, let me know.**_

**Sure thing. **

How about we just get people to give suggestions? I can't really think of anything for either of them.

_Neither can I. Although Lily came up with yours, surely you can think of something?_

Well, knowing me, she'd probably get offended or something at whatever I suggest. It's best I keep my mouth shut.

**Alright maybe we should finish up now then. Oh, wait, Evans is back.**

_**Sorry, just thought I should add something. Seeing as Professor Dumbledore's coming in next time, and Severus will also hopefully be better, you guys need to be on your best behaviour. So no…stupid stuff. Got it?**_

Evans, we are always on our best behaviour.

**But we'll be especially good if you say so.**

_**Okay, that's what I'm worried about. I'm serious. Dumbledore could make us stop this altogether if you say something idiotic like you're prone to doing.**_

_I'll try my best to lecture them tonight, Lily._

_**Thanks, Remus. Somehow I don't think that'll be enough.**_

**Evans, the headmaster loves us. Come on, what can we possibly do?**

_**I don't know, Black, and that's what scares me immensely. Anyway, I really am going now, so goodnight everyone.**_

Night…Lily.

**Night Evans.

* * *

**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE TO REGULAR REVIEWERS/READERS: **

I advise the following reviewers, unless you have questions for Dumbledore or Snape, to not ask a lot more questions this time round, as I already have a super long list of yours: **Voldy's Worst Nightmare, Ajariel the Bloody, AroundTheClock **and** rebornandrenewed**. I'm not saying I wouldn't like more questions, just thought you should know that I have a long list of yours in particular.

If anyone has ideas for a theme song for Lily or Peter let me know. Just make sure they are from the general period 1970-81, cos you know, otherwise it wouldn't be very canon. I love music from that time period; I'm pretty obsessed with The Eagles. Which made it slightly easier for me to pick songs.

Dumbledore is special guest next installment, as you know. Regulus will be for the one after that, by request. If anyone has suggestions for future 'special guests' let me know. Snape is kinda in between a regular and special guest, he probably won't appear every chapter but will be there every so often.

If you have questions etc. or suggestions whatever you can email me and I have MySpace etc. which is probably on my profile or something but yeah, if you want to discuss anything then one of those options would be the way to go. Otherwise messaging me via my profile is fine.

Sorry to those whose questions didn't appear this chapter, I know I didn't have quite as many. It was mainly designed to just move the Lily/James thing ahead a bit more, that's all, so don't stress. I promise next chapter there will be a greater selection!

Thanks for your patience; I know this update was longer than the last ones!

**SiriusLoverr/Riss**


	10. Chapter 10

Okay so I just got back from New Zealand, that's my excuse for another long awaited update. I am now writing this in order to distract myself from the fact my HSC results come out on the 19th and 20th. Fingers crossed.

This chapter is dedicated to **Lady Sarai Black**, due to her shared obsession with Sirius Black. Also to **luvnmarauders**, whose review encouraged me to finish this chapter much quicker than I would have without it.

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare** – you'll probably be happy to know your question got such a great response! Thanks to those who gave me song suggestions, here's a list of the ones we have so far (not all from the 70s). I would be interested to hear other suggestions. A date with the Marauder of your choice goes to those who can think of one for Dumbledore!

**James**: Just the Girl – The Click Five

He Said She Said – Ashley Tisdale

Can't Stand Losing – The Police

James Dean – The Eagles

**Sirius**: Love me or hate me – Lady Sovereign

What Shall we do with a Drunken Sailor?

You're So Vain – Carly Simon

**Remus**: A Song for XX – Ayumi Hamasaki

Stand by Me – John Lennon

Werewolves of London – Warren Zevon

**Peter**: Tin Man – America

Stranger than Fiction – Split Enz

**Lily**: Sweet Like Chocolate – don't know who it's by, though

Love is a Battlefield – Pat Benatar

Reasons for Waiting – Jethro Tull

Wild Thing – Jimi Hendrix

(**RhiannonVega** I wasn't sure if you meant those two songs for Lily or for James, or for their relationship in general)

Heartache Tonight – The Eagles

Witchy Woman – The Eagles

* * *

**Installment 10**

James

**Sirius**

_Remus_

**Peter**

_**Lily**_

_Snape_

_**Dumbledore

* * *

**_

**The Marauders return with our tenth installment of The Marauders' Guide to Life!**

And with us today is none other than the Hogwarts Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore! Before we get into our readers' questions, Professor, what would you say is your theme song?

_**Well, as you know, I am rather a fan of Muggle pop music.**_

Well, Professor, I did think that if Sirius' theme song was decided to be Drunken Sailor, you could always have You're So Vain...

_**Thoughtful as always, I see, James. At another stage of life, perhaps. I must say at this age I am not able to gavotte and look at myself in the mirror simultaneously. **_**(A/N: If you don't get that, you need to read the lyrics)**

**It's a lot harder than you'd think.**

_Maybe that's why the rest of us don't bother, Black._

**Snivellus, shut that mouth of yours. We certainly know why you wouldn't look in the mirror, you'd have a heart attack. **

_**Ah, Severus, I take it you are also a special guest with the Marauders today?**_

_Unfortunately, Professor. _

_**I take it you also would have been last installment, were it not for the unfortunate circumstances which led to your rather prolonged stint in the hospital wing. I trust that you are feeling better?**_

_Yes, Professor, and without the help of Potter and Black here I would not have been in the hospital wing to begin with._

**Our sincerest apologies, Sniv-Snape. We must both have misaimed…**

…at your head…

…**behind us…**

…when the pots were in front of us.

_**It seems you both need a little work on your herbology if you are to pass your NEWTs.**_

**Oh yes, Professor, Potter and I have always been utterly dreadful at herbology. I don't know why we even picked it. **

_**-snorts- Just as dreadful as Potter is at Transfiguration, I suppose? I tutored you for an ENTIRE MONTH, when you could do everything perfectly well! **_

Of course I could. It was just an excuse to spend more time in your presence.

_**Yes, well, I won't be making that mistake again. **_

_Alright, let's start the questions shall we? Professor, we have a few for you to start off with, if you don't mind. _

_**Oh, certainly.

* * *

**_

Your defeat of Grindelwald was a legendary one indeed. How did it feel to stop one of the most powerful Dark Wizards of your time? (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

_**Ah, I have been asked this question many a time. And I'm afraid I cannot answer that, or at least not in a way that would make any sense whatsoever. He was not like Voldemort, who is slowly becoming less human the more he dabbles in the dark arts. Grindelwald was very much human. Dark, perhaps, but human all the same. **_

**Oh well that destroys my vision of him as some hideous grotesque slimeball. **

_**Yes, I suppose it is easy for people to think of him that way. It certainly glorifies everything I accomplished. But no, in reality I was facing someone not so different from myself…**_

Apart from that minor thing – the fact that he was insanely evil.

_**Well yes, we had our differences. But I would say there is a fine line between good and evil in many cases. **_

**That's almost like saying Gryffindors have things in common with Slytherins. **

_**Black! He's our headmaster, for goodness sake. Control your mouth!**_

_**Miss Evans, it's quite alright. I understand the fact that many may hold a different opinion on this matter. But I would try not to generalise, if I were you, Mr. Black. **_

**Of course, Professor. Not all Slytherins are evil gits. Some are slimy greaseballs and stupid blockheads. We must differentiate. **

_**Glad to see you are becoming more open and accepting, Sirius. Now, let's see, are there more questions?**_

**There are indeed.

* * *

**

To Professor Dumbledore: I admire and respect you immensely, sir. I was just wondering, though. Where did you get your first taste of lemon drops? AroundTheClock)

* * *

_**Firstly, thank you for the compliment. And I do believe it was in my fourth year at Hogwarts. My friend Elphias had become rather addicted to them during his summer break the previous year and once I tried them I admittedly took a similar liking to them. **_

**I take it you aren't talking about the alcoholic lemon drop? The 1 ½ ounces of citron vodka, ¾ ounce lemon juice and 1 teaspoon of sugar…?**

_**Alas, no, I have not been fortunate enough to try a lemon drop martini. Are you a fan of muggle drinks?**_

**Alcoholic ones, yes. **

_**Black, are you even old enough to drink? **_

**Nope, but I'm smart enough to sneak into pubs. **

_**I'll pretend I didn't hear that last statement and was instead concentrating intensely upon the ­­poster of that Quidditch player on the wall. **_

_**I think you'll find you'll need to be concentrating an awful lot on that poster tonight, Professor. I'm afraid Black finds it difficult to hold his tongue. And Potter too, for that matter.**_

**It's called honesty, Evans.**

_**Yes, if I had to find one word to describe you, Black, it would be honest. Oh I wonder why that word seems so strange to use in the same sentence as your name? **_

**Oh, it's not the 'honest' phrase that sounded strange in conjunction with my name. It was the 'one word' phrase. It's because you cannot simply sum me up in one word. You would need…a Cyclops Eater. **

A Cyclops eater…

_**You aren't by any chance referring to an encyclopaedia? A comprehensive summary of knowledge or branch of knowledge in which various aspects of science or art are discussed separately, usually in alphabetical order?**_

_Well, we all know Black lacks the brain capacity to even pass a single NEWT subject._

**Oh shut up, Snivellus. Snape. –Ahem- Unlike people such as Evans, I don't spend my life with my head in such books. **

_You would if they were about you. _

**I was not being self-centered, I was merely referring to the fact that I am a complex individual who cannot be summed up in one phrase. **

_An inaccurate one at that. _

**Are you implying I am dishonest?**

_Well, honest implies you are always honest. Which you certainly are not. _

**We'll alter the phrase to 'honest most of the time.' **

…

**Fine. 'Honest 50 per cent of the time…25?...Very rarely?'**

_That fits better.

* * *

_

Is punishment effective on these boys, and if so, what kind of detention would you give them for doing what they did to Severus Snape? Why haven't you done anything to prevent this downwards spiraling of violent outbursts? (Ajariel the Bloody)

* * *

_**Oh, a difficult one. I particularly like the phrase 'downwards spiraling of violent outbursts.' It implies that Hogwarts is disintegrating into a school for aggressive bullying types.**_

Yes, Professor, I am utterly in agreement with this reader. I think it's rather disgraceful that these 'boys' have not been punished effectively. They obviously haven't learnt their lesson.

_**I appreciate your concern, James, and that of the reader. However, I feel that unnecessarily brutal punishments do little to solve problems, and generally make matters worse. **_

_Professor, if you wouldn't mind me interrupting for a moment…_

_**Of course, Severus. **_

_I am a little…curious…as to why Potter and Black were not punished to a greater degree after the…incident…_

_**What on earth are you talking about? **_

_**Lily, I'd appreciate it if you would not speak of this to anyone after tonight. It is a matter of the utmost privacy involving Mr. Black, Mr. Potter and Mr. Snape. And, most particularly, Mr. Lupin.**_

_**Let me guess, they tried to play yet another prank on Severus. **_

_**One that, I believe, did not go to plan. **_

_Basically, I nearly died. _

_**Now now, Severus, we have been through this. I gave Mr. Black an appropriate punishment for his actions, and James was not in the wrong. I believe Sirius learnt the error of his ways.**_

**Oh you can bet I did. I'm never getting caught ever again. It sure does suck. **

_**Wait…Professor did you say Potter didn't do anything wrong?**_

_**All evidence points to that, Lily. Contrary to doing anything wrong, he saved Severus' life. **_

_He did NOT save my life. _

_**You saved his life?**_

Uh…well I'd hate to be boastful or anything…but…

_**Why on earth did you do that?**_

Well, I didn't realise you were plotting his death, Evans, if you'd only mentioned that previously I could've done your dirty work.

_**No, I mean…you hate him. **_

**Basically, he was being an attention-seeking prat. **

_It appears we agree on something Black. _

**Oh god. I just agreed with Snivellus. Snape. Sorry Professor. **

_**Oh look, the Quidditch player just did a rather impressive flip! Miss Evans, it seems Mr. Potter isn't quite the terrible person you make him out to be after all. **_

_**Hmm…

* * *

**_

Dumbledore: guys or Gals? (Voldy's Worst Nightmare)

* * *

**Is it just me or did I catch a rather furtive glance between you and Professor McGonagall this morning at breakfast?**

Ew. Padfoot, I really do think it's just you.

_**Well, apart from no doubt giving Mr. Potter a rather disturbing mental picture, I would have to maintain that Minerva and I are simply very close friends. **_

**Ah. So guys it is then. What about Professor Slughorn?**

_Now that really is a highly disturbing mental image! _

**Oh I'm sorry Moony, what got you so worked up about that? Been pretty quiet this segment, haven't you. I think I touched on a nerve there…**

_Oh give it up, Padfoot. You seem awfully keen to get me to admit I'm in love with you. _

**Well, as we established before, I am a highly honest person. I endeavour to coax honesty out of others. **

_No, we established that you were honest 'very rarely.' _

**Speaking of honesty, I do believe you haven't answered the question, Professor!**

_**Oh indeed I have not. Well, I must say, although a little personal, that Celestina Warbeck has quite the voice. **_

**Oh, nice choice! Quite the rack too, if I may say so. **

_Well, if you're into that sort of thing. _

**(A/N: Yes, we all know Dumbledore's gay. But it's not like he's going to admit it to anyone. And I figured that he lied to Harry about what he saw in the mirror, he can lie about this. It just didn't seem fitting for him to openly declare his sexuality to a bunch of teenagers! Sorry!)**

_**Is that your thing, Black?**_

**Sorry, my thing?**

_**You know, what you look for in a girl. **_

**Their rack?**

_**I believe that is the demeaning phrase you used, yes. **_

**Well I don't know, its rather a toss-up between the rack and the arse for me. Couldn't decide. **

_**Right.**_

_Don't worry, Lily. Not all guys are so…physically…inclined._

_**Good to know. I was just…wondering.

* * *

**_

To Remus: I am in love with the fact that you are more of a personality guy. This gives us less beautiful girls a false sense of hope, seeing as you're good to be true. I find myself always worrying over that, and I ask you: How can I tell if a guy is interested in personalities, and not faces or bodies? (rebornandrenewed)

* * *

_Too good to be true? I don't know about that. But admittedly I suppose I'm not as shallow as a lot of other guys out there._

**Like Padfoot?**

_Exactly. _

**Wow Wormtail, I believe that was the first thing you've said in this segment. Even Snivellus has said more than you. **

**Well I thought it a fitting time to make a contribution to the discussion. After all, like Moony, I'm more of a personality guy. **

_**Well that's good to know! And Remus, I would like to know the answer to this question. How are you meant to tell?**_

_Certain person giving you grief, are they Lily?_

_**You could…say that. Or not. **_

_I see. Well , in regards to your particular predicament, I would say that if they've stuck around for longer than say…a week, then they're probably into you and not just your face or body. That's usually a good indicator. _

**Yeah I must admit that if a girl is hot but boring as hell I tend to move on pretty quickly. **

_**Hmm okay. But how do you know they're not there just to piss you off? Or to get into bed with you? **_

_Well I guess…you don't. But, Lily, I think you're smart enough to realise when someone's being genuine or not. _

_**That's the thing, though, I don't think I am. **_

_Okay, I need to talk to Lily for a second here. Can you guys just wait here, we'll get back to this in a minute. _

**Sure…

* * *

**

Lily and Remus' conversation

_Here we go, a fresh piece of parchment. I don't trust Sirius enough to talk aloud. _

**_And what exactly are we supposed to be talking about?_**

_James. He's genuine, Lily, I assure you. He's been in love with you since god knows when, and Sirius and I both doubted it at first but I think after a few years we really does like you. Not just because you're, well, you know…attractive…but because, well you'd have to ask him why. I just know he's never liked anyone as much as he likes you. _

_**Well I've been thinking lately that he might be genuine. But…I don't know, Remus. How do you know he doesn't just want me because I won't let him have me? Isn't that supposed to be some sort of turn-on for guys, the hard-to-get thing? **_

_For some, perhaps. But I'm pretty sure it's not that. You should hear how he talks about you, Lily. He's like some love-crazed idiot. Okay, so he IS a love-crazed idiot. And it's not sex talk, it's more along the lines of 'if only she would talk to me', or 'Evans ALMOST smiled at me today!' _

_**Hmm…**_

_I'm not stupid, Lily. I know you've come to like him. You know he's not a bad guy. You should give him a chance. _

_**Okay okay. Oh no they're starting to come over now, we must've been talking too long. How about…

* * *

**_

**What the hell are you two whispering about over here? We need to finish this segment, can't keep the headmaster waiting either!**

_**Sure, we were finished anyway. Come on, Remus. **_

**Is it just me or are their secretive smiles infuriating?**

Yeah what the hell were they talking about?

**Pfft, it's Moony and Evans. Probably discussing an assignment or something. **

Mmm I don't know.

_**Ah, Miss Evans and Mr. Lupin, you've returned I see. I've picked out a rather interesting question for everyone.

* * *

**_

Which of the seven deadly sins are you? (IceSnowAndGlamour) **(A/N: As I have already mentioned to IceSnowAndGlamour, mine is most definitely gluttony. According to my sin is actually Lust. But I strongly disagree haha). 

* * *

**

**What are the seven deadly sins anyway?**

_Well you've got pride and envy. That's all I know. _

Gluttony.

_**Greed, also, I think you'll find, along with lust, wrath and sloth. **_

**Ah, I see. Professor, which one are you?**

_**I do believe it is pride. However, I try to keep it in check. And you, Mr. Black? Which sin are you guilty of? **_

**Well as always with my highly complex personality, it is hard to pick just one. **

Yeah, that's right. I'd go with gluttony, pride or lust for you Pads.

**Really?**

_Well you do eat an abnormal amount of food. You're always seen with a girl around…_

_And you're an arrogant bastard. _

**Thanks for that contribution, Snivellus. I appreciate it. **

_**If I didn't know any better, Severus, I'd have to say your sin would be envy.**_

_Of what exactly, Professor?_

_**Oh, I don't know. Perhaps you can work it out. Mr. Pettigrew, what do you believe is yours?**_

**Sloth. He is a lazy bugger.**

**Well, I suppose I can't really think of any others that I could be. **

**If only one was 'lack of hygiene'. Then both you and Snivellus could share it.**

_**Now now, Sirius. I do believe insults are a little uncalled for at this moment. We are examining everyone's flaws here, including your own.**_

**Oh of course, Professor, I am simply helping others to work out their sins, seeing as I have already discovered that I am proud, gluttonous and lustful.**

_**Well that is certainly very considerate of you. **_

**I thought so. Now Moony, how about you? **

_I may have to join Severus in the envy club. It's the only one that I believe really relates to me. _

Envy, Moony?

_**Ah yes, I can understand with your, what do you call it, 'furry little problem', you would perhaps envy those with the freedom to move through life with a little less difficulty, Mr. Lupin. **_

_**I don't understand this 'furry little problem' thing, you seem to refer to it all the time. **_

**Men have their secrets, Evans. Especially Moony.**

_**Well call me thick but as far as I know Remus isn't covered in hair. **_

**Have you ever seen him naked?**

_**Uh…no.**_

**Well then, don't go assuming things when you have no evidence to back them up. **

_**Fine…**_

_For the record, Lily, I am not covered in hair. And Sirius would most definitely NOT know either way. _

**Actually, Moony, you know that loose tile in the shower? It kinda covers this hole that I like to peep through every now and again…**

_Oh you sick bastard. Get out._

**I'm only kidding! KIDDING!!!! Argh! Let go of my hair!

* * *

**

To Sirius & Remus: have you guys ever thought about getting together? (wannariskit)

* * *

_I am currently attempting to shave Padfoot's hair off with an electric razor._

**It shows your – YOUCH – inner desire for me! I didn't know you liked it so violent though, Moony. But after all, you are a wer-**

_Sirius Black I swear I will shave your hair off right now if you a) don't shut the hell up, b) sexually harass me or c) make out that I am in love with you and convince people we are in a homosexual relationship. Oh, and d) answer this question with any of the two above remarks._

…

_Well?_

**You said to…shut the hell up. **

…

**Alright, fine. I have never thought about getting together with Moony. Can't say the same for him though – OW! Merlin's beard! ALRIGHT, and he's never thought about getting together with me either! Ever! Only in his secret dreams has he even CONSIDERED….oh dear…**

_**Ah, young people today. I recall a similar incident in my childhood. Except back then we used axes and kitchen knives. **_

That sounds…normal.

_**Do they act like this often? I must admit I have never witness either behaving in such a violent manner.**_

**-high-pitched screech-**

Oh, yes. All the time.

* * *

Could you please tell Sirius that I would definitely come to his kissing booth, and I ask him: blonds or brunettes? (Lady Sarai Black)

* * *

**Oh Merlin the annual Marauder party! We need to get organising! **

_Yes, let's do that. I am not involving myself in this kissing booth, therefore it will not go ahead. There, that's settled. Let's move on. _

**Oh no, this is happening, Moony. This is payback for that hunk of hair you just ripped from my head. **

_It was about three strands. _

**Yeah and I'm about to get three times as many customers at my booth.**

_Padfoot, it's a stupid idea. _

**You're just jealous that certain people have said they would come to mine. Oh, I should probably answer the question, shouldn't I?**

_**I did assume this was a question-answer sort of process. **_

_**Yes well, Black often gets carried away, Professor. **_

**Hmm, perhaps my sin should be greed. Can I take both blondes and brunettes?**

No.

**Prongs, now you're being greedy. You already get the redheads, its only fair I get my equal share as well. **

_Well, I wouldn't say its exactly equal…_

**Fine. I'll go with brunettes. (A/N: It kills me to say this, seeing as I myself am not a brunette. Oh the pain)**

_**What about all those blonde bimbos hanging off your arm, Black? **_

**Well, if its mindless sex you're into, then sure. Plus, most of them aren't natural blondes anyway. **

_**Not into mindless sex, Black? Could've fooled me.**_

**Now listen here, Evans. I know you think I'm a sex-obsessed maniac, but –**

Padfoot, you really are.

**You told me I wasn't last week!**

I did?

**Traitor.

* * *

**

Severus: Freaking amazing, snarky, sarcastic person. Do you prefer blondes, brunettes, or redheads? (AroundTheClock)

* * *

**That's pretty much the same question. Except there's more choice. I just got to pick between blondes and brunettes. **

Since when was Snivellus 'freaking amazing?'

**What does freaking mean anyway? **

No idea. I just picked up on the 'amazing' part of the phrase.

_**Oh just let Severus answer the question you two. **_

_Oh yes, because I am just dying to weigh up the possibilities of this intellectually stimulating question. I can feel my brain going into overdrive up just pondering the time it will take to narrow this one down. _

**Yeah, it is quite a tough one. I couldn't decide. **

**You could just be like me and choose all. Oh, but wait, Prongs has redheads, and I have blondes and brunettes. Bad luck, Snivellus, guess you miss out!**

_What about Peter and I? Do we miss out too?_

**You guys can share my blondes. **

_Oh, great. _

_**Well, Severus?**_

_Well it's not as if I think about this kinda thing all the time. _

_**But if you had to choose one? I don't see you as the blonde type, really.**_

_No. _

_**So it's either redheads or brunettes. What do you reckon?**_

_Oh this is a stupid question. _

_**Ah, Severus, sometimes the silliest questions can be the ones that give us the most insight into a person. I'm sensing that perhaps you have an affinity for redheads?**_

_This guy has a thing for reading minds. Ah…I wrote that down. _

_**I'm afraid you did! Am I right?**_

_I…guess so. _

**Redheads then eh? Prongs, it looks like you've got some stiff competition.

* * *

**

To Severus: If Lily's Muggle-born identity isn't a problem to you, why is the general notion of the Muggle-born identity so distasteful to you? (Ajariel the Bloody)

* * *

Yeah, fair question.

_**I'll say. **_

**Oh come on, he's in love with Evans, and he's a conniving Slytherin bastard. I mean…not that all Slytherins are conniving bastards. He's just, one of the ones that are. **

_**Glad to see you've stopped your generalizing, Sirius! I commend you. **_

**Thank you, sir. **

_**Well, Severus?**_

_Well I-I've known you since we were kids, Li-Evans. _

_**We were friends.**_

_Yes._

_**And then you became friends with those Slytherin death-eaters. Not that…all Slytherins are death-eaters, of course.**_

_**No. That would be generalizing, wouldn't it?**_

_**Yes, Professor. **_

_I've never had a problem with you. _

_**Yes you have. You have problems with muggleborns. And I'm a muggleborn. You can't make an exception for me, Severus. **_

_I wish I could. I wish we could be friends again._

_**But it's not going to happen, is it? You made a choice a long time ago, and I've come to accept that. You can't hang out with me and your other friends, I understand that. You're a good person, I know that. I just wish you'd been brave enough to stand up to people, that's all. I know I would have stood up for you. I do, all the time. **_

_**It is often hard to stand up to people, it takes much bravery. But perhaps, Lily, that is why you were placed in Gryffindor and Severus in Slytherin. **_

**Or maybe its just because he's a disgusting slimeball with dark intentions. **

_**Ah, Mr. Black. Just when I was beginning to hope you'd begun to stop your generalizing. **_

**Sorry, Professor. I couldn't help it.

* * *

**

To Sirius: Would you rather walk around Hogwarts naked all day, or be in the "closet" with Remus? (all day) (luvnmarauders)

* * *

**Is this closet a physical or metaphysical one?**

_I believe the use of inverted commas implies the fact the closet is metaphysical. But you can think of it as a physical one, if you like. To make it easier for you. _

**Alright. Well this is an easy one, isn't it. I'll go with the former, thank you very much.**

_**Oh please no. No one needs to see that. **_

**Many want to. **

**I'm with Lily. I don't want to see that either. **

**Oh well, you can just hide your eyes all day if you want. **

_**I do believe the former is against Hogwarts regulations.**_

**Ah, so it is. Couldn't have that, could we?**

Perhaps you'd best choose being in the closet with Moony.

**Yes. Maybe that would be better. You wouldn't mind would you, Moony? **

_So long as you don't make any moves on me. I might get a bit boring after a while though. You'd get hungry. _

**I'll take a stash of food in with me. **

_I don't believe luvnmarauders stated anything about you being allowed food inside the closet. I, however, can eat as much as I want, seeing as I play no part in this choice and am merely an innocent bystander._

**Damn! So if I choose the former, its against school rules, but I can eat. Wait, they didn't say where I had to walk around Hogwarts, did they? I could just walk around the Gryffindor boys' dorm, and then get you guys to sneak me food from the kitchens. **

…

**Alright fine, I'll sneak myself food from the kitchens. And hopefully avoid everyone. **

**You might get detention. **

**I might. But being in a closet with Moony all day would also give me detention. Because I'd miss classes.**

Do it on a weekend.

**Prongs, I'm not doing either of the two. It's a hypothetical situation. As with Lily's question last segment, where the hypothetical context was reinforced by the use of the use 'if', here it is reinforced by the use of 'would you rather.' It does not say 'Sirius Black you must do either one of these two things at a specified time.' **

True. I'm just trying to help you work out which one you'd prefer.

**Disregard the regulations you'd break here for a second. Which would you rather do?**

**Well, seeing as option A could be potentially embarrassing, I may opt for the second one. In which case anything that happens in the closet will stay in there, and not be discussed by the entire school for years to come. **

Good choice.

_Well, at least you wouldn't be naked in the closet with me. I suppose I can handle that. _

Yeah, would you rather walk around Hogwarts naked all day or spend a day in the closet (physical or metaphysical) with Remus…naked?

**Is Remus naked too?**

_No! _

Uh…no.

**Right. Hmm. Nah I'd still go with option B. **

_**Wait, hang on. When you 'come out' of the closet, you openly admit you're gay, right? **_

Right.

_**So, if Black spends a day in the 'closet' with Remus, then that's…**_

_Not in a gay way. _

_**Exactly. So shouldn't the question be whether he would rather walk around Hogwarts naked all day or spend the whole day OUT of the closet with Remus?**_

_Lily, please, we are trying to avoid this whole gay thing. _

_**Right. Sorry.

* * *

**_

Say you don't go out with anyone because you really don't like relationships, dates or any physical contact at all but you crave affection all the time, what should you do? Should you go out with someone just to get affection though you don't like relationships or should you just keep to yourself, slowly going insane? (I know it's a tricky one) (Ozoh the Wise)

**(A/N: This question reminds me of myself an awful lot)

* * *

**

**Keep to yourself, slowly going insane? No way! This is a great situation! Fantastic! You can just go out and shag whoever you want, really. Provided they also don't want a relationship, that is. **

_**Uh, what about the fear of physical contact thing? Plus, what do you get out of it?**_

**Uh, sex. **

_**Obviously. But affection, surely, is not only physical? **_

**Oh well maybe you could throw in a serious relationship here and there. Maybe buy a pet or something. **

_As great advice as that is, Padfoot, I would advise the keeping to yourself option, and wait for someone to come along. There's no use just getting with someone for no reason at all. Eventually, it's the same as keeping to yourself anyway, cos you're only alleviating things temporarily. _

_**Yeah, I've gotta agree with Remus here. But, what happens if no one comes along at all?**_

_Well, that's what you've got to hope…I guess. _

Wouldn't it also depend on why you don't like relationships? I mean, there's a difference between just not liking them, and being afraid of commitment, or of compromising your independence, or something.

_**That's true. Well I guess if you're afraid of commitment or compromising your independence it'd be best to also wait it out.**_

**Oh get with plenty of hot girls. Or guys. That way, you can get affection without committing yourself and retaining your independence. Seriously. Why do you think I never have serious relationships? It's because I don't want them.**

_**But why not?**_

**I don't know. I don't like them. **

_**How do you know you don't like them?**_

**Bad experiences. **

Experience.

**Right. But let's not go there. I suppose there's the mentality that if you don't get into relationships you won't get hurt. **

_**I suppose. I can understand that. **_

**Lily Evans seeing eye to eye with Sirius Black. My how times have changed. **

_**Well it's true, isn't it? But what are you going to do? Just wander through life without ever committing yourself again because you're too scared? What will you get out of it?**_

**Not much. But I won't lose anything either. **

_**That's pretty much the same as having low expectations so that you're never disappointed.**_

_You can't understand that?_

_**No, not really. I know the feeling when you work really hard and get something you want. I could suffer a few disappointments so long as I could feel that every so often.**_

What if you never end up getting what you want? What if you've worked really hard, for an awful long time, and you've tried everything you can think of, but nothing works, and you fail every time. Should you just give up or should you keep trying, in some desperate hope that one day, maybe, you might get it?

_**What have you got to lose? **_

Not much.

_**And what have you got to gain?**_

…Everything.

_**Well, then I'd say you should keep trying. It's often at the point when you're about to give up that your luck turns around. You might be surprised. **_

**I get the feeling they're talking about something else. **

_**I believe you are right, Peter! But we mustn't attempt to delve too deeply into the workings of others. Hmm, do we have time for any more questions? **_

**Well, I don't know about you Professor, but tomorrow is the last day of school before Christmas, and I want to be able to wake up for the morning feast! **

_**As do I, Sirius. It is always my favourite time of year, Christmas. I should probably check that the decorations in the Great Hall are up to par. **_

**Oh, sounds like a great idea.**

_**Of course, you won't be able to see them until tomorrow morning.**_

**Oh, Professor, how you torture me. Can't I just have one tiny little peek?**

Padfoot, surely you can wait another eight hours or so.

_Is it midnight already?_

_**I believe it is! My how the time has flown. Thank you for letting me contribute to this segment, I hope it goes well. Feel free to sensor my answers if they appear too…revealing.**_

Oh trust me, Professor, it won't be your answers that need censoring.

**Yeah, the garbage that comes out of that Lily Evans' mouth. Honestly. **

**Well, I'm off to bed.**

_Me too._

**Party poopers. Well, I suppose you two need your beauty rest, unlike me. **

_**Uhuh, keep telling yourself that, Black. **_

**Well, see you losers. As much as I'd love to close up this segment…**

You'd rather go shag Mary in the broom closet. Be careful, there'll be plenty of teachers around, setting up the Christmas decorations.

**I'm Sirius Black. Enough said. **

Very well. Have fun. Just…remember the Silencing Charm, alright?

**Sure thing. **

_**So…**_

It's just you, me and Snivellus. Wait, Snivellus, why the hell are you still here?

_I…wanted to speak to Evans. _

_**I'm sorry, Severus. But there's nothing you could say to me now that would make me consider your friendship again. It's beyond that now. Please, I'd prefer it if you'd just…leave. **_

_I'm sorry, Lily. I am. I just-_

You heard her, Snivellus. She asked you to leave.

_**You didn't have to be so harsh, Potter.**_

And you weren't?

_**I have every right to be, after what he did to me. But he's done nothing to you. Therefore you have no right to be an arse to him. **_

I know, I'm sorry. Well, we should probably get off to bed, right? Wouldn't want to miss the Christmas feast.

_**Right. **_

Hang on, what's this? I think it's a question…Dumbledore must've dropped it, he was sorting through the box wasn't he?

_**Yeah I think so…

* * *

**_

To Prongs: What if Lily said yes? (Ajariel the Bloody)

* * *

_**If I said yes to what, exactly?**_

Me asking you out, I'm guessing.

_**Oh. What would you do?**_

Look Evans, I know it's a hypothetical question, but let's face it, it's never going to happen, is it? You saying yes is about impossible as Sirius giving up sex, or Professor Dumbledore joining Voldemort.

_**But what would you do? You have to answer the question, you know.**_

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I've spent years wishing you'd say yes, hoping for it. But I've never really thought about what I'd do if you actually said it. Probably because, deep down, I know you never will. I don't need to plan that far ahead.

_**Hmm. **_

Well, goodnight, Lily. I'll see you tomorrow.

_**Yes. Tomorrow. Wait…Potter…**_

Yes? You realise we're still writing on this parchment, right?

_**Yeah, well I don't think there's any more spare rolls around here anyway, Remus and I used the only one we could find. We may as well finish up on this one. Anyway, I just wanted to say that…well this…guide to life thing. It's been fun. Although it doesn't really serve it's purpose very well, does it?**_

How do you mean?

_**Well, I don't know if I'm just speaking for myself, but I find we're giving less advice to readers and more...well, working things out for ourselves. Goodnight, Potter...James. **_

Night, Lily.

* * *

* * *

Next chapter will be a Christmas one. Regulus will be the special guest, so if you have any questions for him, or Christmas-related ones, sock em to me.

The list of fame:

**Jessiz **- sorry I didn't answer your questions this chapter. They will be there next time, I promise :)

**wannariskit**

**LadyKnightSusan**

**rebornandrenewed**

**ChainOfEvents1265**

**RhiannonVega**

**Lola-LessThanThree**

**AroundTheClock**

**IceSnowAndGlamour**

**LupinLycanLover**

**modelalxndra**

**Ajariel the Bloody**

**Rider Arya Svit-kona**

**Messrs Padfoot and Prongs**

**Lady Sarai Black**

**Sweet Sadie**

**Dizrythmia Chook**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare**

**Ozoh the Wise**

**luvnmarauders**

Getting your reviews and questions makes me happy! You guys are awesome.

Riss


	11. Chapter 11

I've decided that seeing as this is a Christmas installment, Regulus will NOT be in this installment. He WILL be in the next chapter (so for those who directed questions at him, they'll be in there)! _Sorry, and please don't be offended if your questions aren't in this chapter, I made most of them Christmas-themed. It doesn't mean I dislike your questions, I will use them eventually, I seriously have so many it's impossible to use every one I get the very next chapter. _

* * *

**Installment 11**

James

**Sirius**

_Remus_

**Peter**

_**Lily

* * *

**_

**Ah, don't you just love Christmas? 'Tis the season to be jolly, and the Marauders have lots of tips to make it ever so exciting for you. I, for example, highly recommend using charmed mistletoe, that forces anyone standing beneath it with you to be overcome with a sudden passionate desire to kiss you senseless.**

_How wonderful._

**I thought so.**

_And what happens if someone you don't want to kiss accidentally walks under it?_

**Then you pretty much have to make a run for it. But I was thinking, Prongs, that you could put some at the bottom of the stairs to Evans's dorm, and…you know…it might help you along a bit. **

Good thinking. You were always my favourite conniving bastard of a friend. Where is Evans, anyway? She's late…

**Oh, well you see, I decided to give her an early Christmas present. She might be held up for a while…or possibly not turn up at all…**

What?! What did you do?

**Nothing too terrible. She'll live. **

_But possibly suffer utter humiliation?_

**Possibly.**

**Wait, here she comes, she's…oh my god!**

**Might be time to leave right about now…**

_**Oh no, Black, you're staying right there. I'd like to get this over with as quickly as possible, if you don't mind.**_

What are you _wearing?!_

**_I believe it's supposed to be a dress…for a ten year old. _(A/N: Think backup musicians in Billy Mack's music video in Love Actually)**

And what's with the matching santa hat and tinsel? I mean I know it's Christmas Eve but…

**I decided to choose Evans' costume for our annual Marauder party. You know, make it easy for her.**

Easy on the eyes, you mean? My god, Evans…Padfoot I think I love you.

**I know.**

Evans you have…

_**I have **_**what**_**, Potter? A body? Yes, its rather surprising I know, but under school robes most people do have one. Unfortunately I am unable to cover this up because of Black's charming little spell. **_

Oh I don't mind, I don't mind at _all_…

_Alright Prongs, you're making Lily uncomfortable. Quit oggling, and let's get into the questions!

* * *

_

Seeing as it is Christmas, does anyone not enjoy Christmas because of bad memories or just because it's a lousy day? (Ozoh the Wise)

* * *

**Who wouldn't enjoy Christmas…**

_**Well Christmas at Hogwarts is fun. It isn't really fun at home though.**_

**Is that why you're here this year?**

_**Yeah my sister Petunia can't really stand being around me anymore, so I thought I'd save my parents the arguments.**_

**If you ask me, you're better off without your family. Just because you're related, it doesn't mean you can't pretend you're not. **

_**Well I suppose my family isn't quite as bad as yours, Black…**_

**Yeah they're hard to beat really, a screaming banshee, a mouldy-shorts wannabe…**

**Regulus isn't that bad, Padfoot.**

**Wormtail, did the sorting hat have a sudden change of heart and decide to place you in Slytherin?**

**No…**

**Then shut up. **

**But—**

**Do you want me to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas?**

_Wormtail, you better shut your mouth right now, because if I hear him singing about a hippogriff and a banshee one more time…_

**Oh Moony don't worry, I'm singing the entire version tonight at the party. **

_I think I feel terribly unwell all of a sudden, I might not be up to going…_

**You can't, you're up for the kissing booth, remember?**

_No, Padfoot, I am not! I refused to do that! _

**Oh what a pity, I'll just have to maintain my title of the most wanted Marauder.**

That makes you sound like you're an escapee from Azkaban.

**Yeah it does, doesn't it? Escaped convicts have a certain sex appeal, I believe…**

_No, Padfoot, they really don't._

Yeah, they'd be all dirty with awful facial hair and screwed up minds. Don't think many people would go for that.

* * *

Lily: what would be your perfect Christmas present? (Messrs Padfoot and Prongs)

* * *

**James and Lily sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! **

_**Oh, you guessed it.**_

**Really?**

_**No, you complete idiot. **_

_Really?_

_**Remus, just shut up.**_

_My lips are sealed._

Ah…that's my perfect Christmas present…

**Mine too. **

**I mean…with…someone else. **

That's better.

_Alright Lily, if that's not it, what is?_

_**My perfect Christmas present? I don't know, maybe a good book or something. Honestly, I'd really like to be home for Christmas, or to have Petunia stop hating me or something but that's an awful lot to ask for.**_

**My gift wasn't good enough for you?**

_**I won't even answer that.**_

Well, if I can't kiss you Evans, you wearing that is definitely number two on my list of perfect Christmas presents.

**Mine too.**

Shut up, Wormtail!

* * *

Padfoot, what's one charity cause you think is worthwhile? (Sweet Sadie)

* * *

_Seeing as its Christmas time, with the giving and all, I thought this an appropriate question._

Like Padfoot gives money to charity!

**Hey, I find many charity causes worthwhile! Just worthwhile for _other_ people to donate their money towards. **

_**Alright, well if there was one charity you could give money to, what would it be?**_

**I wouldn't. I'd use the money on something else. **

_Oh come on, you're not that much of a bastard._

**Okay okay. How about the RSPCA? **

Wow, I wouldn't have thought you even knew they existed.

**Contrary to popular belief, **_**Prongs**_**, there is immense intellect beneath this mop of gorgeous hair.**

_**Why the RSPCA? It's a muggle organisation as well. **_

**Well no one in my family's died of cancer and I don't trust celebrity charity funds because if it were me I'd just keep all the money for myself. **

_**Fair enough reasoning, I suppose.**_

**Yeah, and they employ wizards to keep track of animagi in the muggle world.**

Not unregistered ones…

**Oh that's true. They can't really keep track of ones they don't know about. **

_**Why would you be concerned about whether they kept track of animagi or not? **_

**Uh...I'm not! I mean, well, cos it's a nice thing to do, you know. Make sure Muggles don't shoot pigeons that are actually…wizards…and stuff. **

_**Oh yeah, I remember when some witch from Beauxbatons was run over by a Muggle car. They had to do all this memory alteration stuff cos when the guy got out, he thought he'd run over a cat but it was a fifteen-year-old girl. Quite terrible, really…**_

Padfoot, what sort of person would be a pigeon?

**I don't know, it's not the most appealing animal I know, but Peter's a rat. I mean, he would be…if he was an Animagus…**

_**Right.

* * *

**_

What are some of your Christmas traditions? (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

**Carols!**

Yes, Padfoot likes to sing.

**On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...a hippogriff shrieking like banshee! On the second day—**

_What did I say before?! And, oh for Merlin's sake, it's bad enough writing it down, but don't _sing_ it!_

_**Oh, that is painful…**_

_Don't say I didn't warn you…this is what we get woken up to every year on Christmas morning._

Hey, Moony, you didn't get it last year, we went home to my place for Christmas.

_Well I've heard it enough today to make up for it._

**There are more, Evans, if you'd like to hear them. **

_**I'll pass, thanks. **_

What do we have other than Padfoot's singing?

_If that's our only tradition I'll stuff myself in a Christmas stocking and hang myself. _

Well, Evans, there is this one tradition that on Christmas Eve I have to snog the sexiest girl in the room. And I'm pretty sure that's you right now.

_Since when have we had that tradition?_

Shut up, Moony.

_**Perhaps you'll have to break with it for one year, Potter. Mind you, it's not a tradition if you made it up. **_

Ah well, I wish it was…Evans, I swear, I can't sit here for much longer with you wearing that.

_**I'm going to be wearing this all night, Potter, and for however long this charm holds out, so get used to it. **_

**Two weeks, Evans.**

_**What? The charm lasts for two weeks? Are you fucking kidding me?!**_

**Calm down. It'll wear off tomorrow night. **

_**So I'm going to be wearing this all of Christmas day as well?**_

**Looks like it. Unless, of course, a certain someone takes them off…**

_**What?! **_

**Yeah so you might want to consider starting that tradition with Prongs if you're really desperate to get rid of the outfit.**

_**I'm not **_**that**_** desperate. And why can I not take them off myself?**_

**That's not how the charm works, I'm afraid, Evans. **

_**Damn you to hell, Sirius Black.**_

_Okay, seriously, do we have any other Christmas traditions? _

I doubt it. There's all the stuff at Hogwarts of course.

**What about our party? That's a tradition, isn't it?**

Oh yeah, so it is. And this year, with Evans dressed like that it's going to be the best ever!

**Evans, have you even been to one of our parties before?**

_**I've come every year, Black. Unwillingly, of course.**_

**Ah. I do believe I've been so drunk each time I may not have noticed you.**

_**Actually, you tried to feel me up last year. But then Potter punched you and you ended up unconscious on the floor and I had to drag you upstairs to your dorm. **_

**I don't remember that.**

I do. If you hadn't been completely smashed, I would have disowned you as a friend.

**I think I remember part of that night, actually. I think I threw up on Snivellus.**

_**Yep, I had to clean that up too.**_

**Fun night, wasn't it?**

_**Incredibly.**_

We won't make the mistake of inviting him this year.

**We didn't invite him last year! But he showed up anyway. **

_**He came with me. **_

**You better not show up with him this year!**

Yeah, you better not. You're coming with me this year.

**Oh come off it, Prongs, you ask her **_**every**_** year. **

**And every year, she says no. **

**More like screams no. Evans? Why aren't you saying something?**

_**Should I be saying something?**_

**Well, we were expecting something along the lines of 'no way Potter, fuck off' as per usual…**

**Because you don't want to go with him, do you?**

_**Uh…no.**_

**You hate him. **

_**Yes.**_

_But you know, Lily, it is Christmas. _

**Yeah I think Prongsie deserves a chance don't you? **

**In the spirit of Christmas, say yes!**

Oh come off it. Evans saying yes to me is as unlikely as finding Professor McGonagall having mad sex with Filch in a broom closet.

**Now that is actually quite plausible with a little concoction of Love Potion...**

_Padfoot, just stop right there. None of us need that mental image. _

_**Yes.**_

**Yes what?**

_**Yes, I'll go with you, Potter.**_

…

**Prongs! She said yes and all you can do is sit there like a blank-faced fool! **

_**On one condition.**_

**Ah, should've known this was coming. I say take it anyway, Prongs, you may never get another opportunity!**

_**Black has to take Remus to the party…**_

**On the other hand, she'll probably just turn up with you and ignore you the whole entire time, so there's really no point. **

…_**dressed in drag.**_

**Yeah, it's totally not worth it, Prongs. **

_**Oh, you'll do it, Black, or I'll tell everyone about the time you couldn't get it up with—**_

**ALRIGHT! I'll do it! That is something no one needs to know about. **

_I object! Prongs, this is completely unfair, what about me? I have done nothing to deserve this!_

_**Remus, if I am to go with Potter, I'd like some entertainment. I'll make it up to you. Besides, I'll be lenient with you, only Black can wear drag. **_

_Alright, I'm in. _

**Bloody Merlin Prongs, you'd better thank me later. **

You can have my serve of Christmas pudding.

**Excellent!**

_**You're actually going to do it?**_

**Evans, I'm getting his serve of Christmas pudding. **

_**Right. **_

_(He just secretly wants the opportunity to dress up in drag)_

**I will ignore you, Moony. Evans, I am willing to take the bullet for Prongsie here. Simply because a few hours of humiliation on my part will mean I won't have him whining in my ear about you. It can get quite annoying, you know.**

_**Well don't go blaming me, I didn't ask for him to become overly obsessed with me.**_

I'm just asking you to go to a party with me, Evans. What makes you think I'm 'overly obsessed'?

…

Right okay fair enough, that question doesn't warrant a response. Hey, at least I can admit that I am. You prefer to pent up that sexual desire for me, and that's okay. One day it'll come rushing out and I'll be in for an enormous, and very pleasant, surprise.

_**One involving me wearing a costume similar to this, I can imagine.**_

Well I'd much rather you wear nothing at all, Evans, but I'm up for role-playing if you are.

_**Potter, I realise that I am here dressed in something that doesn't leave much to the imagination. But I'd appreciate it if you would at least pretend to ignore it. **_

**Oh Evans, you love it. You're the only female among four…three, sorry…fine specimens of men. You know, I—**

_**Just…stop there. **_

**Sorry.**

Yes, what were you going to say, Padfoot? Because neither you nor Moony will be involving yourself with Evans.

**Well, it's a pity, but I suppose I'll have to accept that. Damn it, though, Evans, I'm beginning to regret that little prank I pulled earlier…**

_**Why don't you **_**remove**_** it then?**_

No! You have to wear it to the party! You're going to be the hottest date I've ever had!

_**How exciting for you.**_

Ha! So you admit it's a date, then?

_**No, it's not a date, Potter.**_

You're my date, we can be on first name terms now…Lily.

_**I'm not your date!**_

Whatever you say.

_**I'm not.**_

Mmhmm.

* * *

I've just written the first chapter to a three-part Songfic - Just the Girl (partially inspired by Lola-LessThanThree's suggestion for a song). I'm really after some constructive criticism, so if anyone is interested, I'd really appreciate it, it's obviously different to this style of story but any criticism would be much appreciated.

**Hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas! **

Reviewers for last chapter can pick a (late) Christmas present from the following options:

a) A romantic date with Remus Lupin

b) A night with Sirius Black

c) A night with both Remus Lupin and Sirius Black (hehe)

d) All of the above for ChainOfEvents1265, RhiannonVega and AroundTheClock (who suggested songs for Dumbledore)

James has prior engagements, sorry. Snape-lovers may receive a date with their favourite Slytherin.


	12. Chapter 12

I'm SO SORRY for the wait.

That is all.

Oh, except for my pen name change. No longer SiriusLoverr, it is now **BlackBells**. Sorry for any confusion.

* * *

**Installment 12**

James

**Sirius**

_Remus_

**Peter**

_**Lily**_

_Regulus Black

* * *

_

Welcome back dedicated readers, we know it's been a while.

_The truth is that a certain someone has not been sober since the Christmas Party and was in no state to respond to even simple questions such as 'have you done your Transfig homework?'_

**Moony, when does anyone ever ask me that question? When have I ever done it?**

_How true that is. And yet you still seem to be up there at the top of the class. How is that possible?_

**I am naturally gifted. **

_**Don't worry, Remus, people like you and me will laugh at him one day when he's stuck in some dingy bar sweeping floors and we're at the top of the ministry. **_

**Sweeping floors in a dingy bar? Is that really what you think my future holds?**

_As a matter of principle I disagree with Gryffindor scum but I think I'll make an exception here. For someone such as yourself, I think that's a relatively good career prospect._

**Regulus, I don't even know what you're doing here, but would you kindly f-**

_Padfoot, just watch the language. He's a special guest, and people have lots of questions for him. _

**Hmph. Can't understand why, I'm evidently the more popular Black.

* * *

**

How does it feel to have Sirius as your brother? (Sirius Black Rocks!) (luvnmarauders)

* * *

_Firstly can I just point out that this reader is incredibly deluded, along with the rest of your Gryffindor tagalongs who seem to think that mindless pranks are the mark of extreme intelligence and cause to idolize idiotic boys who have nothing better to do with their time. _

_**Wow. **_

_What, Mudblood?_

_**No, it's just…I absolutely agree with you. **_

Don't call Evans a mudblood, you piece of filth!

**Evans, why don't you just join the I wanna be a snake club with Wormtail and hold hands with your new best friends the death eaters.**

_**I would rather die than be in Slytherin, and I agree with Potter, don't call me a mudblood, Black. All I am saying is you managed to sum up my thoughts quite poignantly. **_

**Yes, he has quite a way with words, Master Regulus does. **

_You're just jealous I'm the favourite son._

**Why would I be jealous of you being the favourite son? I deliberately try ****not**** to be the favourite son!**

_Yes, and now you're living with four eyes in a giant mansion that evidently feeds you enough to put on ten pounds. _

**Oh don't you dare criticise my eating habits! At least I'm not a gaunt sallow-faced sickly-looking-**

_Oh yes, I'd much rather be the arrogant self-absorbed playboy who can't seem to walk past a mirror without fixing his hair. _

**At least I wash my hair. **

_How many times a day?_

**Three…**

_I think once every couple of days is more than adequate._

**I'm hygienic. **

_And homosexual perhaps?_

**I am not homosexual!!!**

_Oh please, I remember when that git Lockhart came over and you –_

_**BLACK!**_

**Which one?**

_**Both of them!**_

**This is a little confusing. **

**Just differentiate by calling him 'git'. **

Oi, git!

**What?**

…

**Oh shut up! **

_Generally at this point I would remind you that you hadn't answered the question, but I think in light of that little argument back there, Regulus, you somehow did.

* * *

_

Regulus, when Sirius was disowned, how did that make YOU feel? (Sweet Sadie)

* * *

_Oh god, here we go, I feel like I'm talking to a psychiatrist. _

**As if he gave a rat's arse.**

_**But surely you felt a little…sad? I mean, he is your brother. **_

_He's not my brother._

**Damn right I'm not his brother. **

_**You didn't even feel…concerned at all? For his safety? **_

**No, he didn't. **

_It's true._

_**Well that's rather depressing, isn't it. **_

**Evans, you of all people should understand that siblings are no more than a painful annoying presence that is best ignored.**

_**That's not true! I still consider Petunia my sister.**_

**And she considers you hers?**

_**That's different. She doesn't understand. **_

**Evans, she's a right little prick and you know it. Regulus and her should get together and have a party. Oh, wait, but he hates Muggles, doesn't he? He'd probably kill her. That's actually a good idea, introduce Petunia to my brother and she'll be outta your life before you know it. **

_**Don't say dreadful things like that, Black. Shut up and let Regulus answer the question – how did you feel when Sirius moved out?**_

_Why would we have felt anything other than good riddance? He was always screwing around and making mum angry. He was a blood traitor - we wanted nothing to do with him. _

_**Maybe your mother disliked him –**_

**Disliked me? That's the understatement of the century.**

_**- but he was your brother, you would've been closer to him. Surely you didn't always hate each other?**_

_Of course not. But he chose his path, and I chose mine. Except that his decision meant he was no longer a part of the family. _

**Evans, just let it go. Regulus and I care nothing for each other. You know when two people love each other very much and nothing else matters but the other person? Well, that's what it's like for us, except we hate each other very much and we never think about each other. **

_That is the worst analogy I have ever heard.

* * *

_

Regulus: Are you anything like your sex-minded, joking, popular, tenacious brother? Oh, and I almost forgot near-gay. (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

**Why are all these bloody questions for HIM?**

_Stealing your limelight am I?_

**Yes, as a matter of fact. Butt out. **

_I think I'll ignore you instead. To answer your question, no I am not. _

**Yeah, he doesn't get enough sex to be able to think about it, can't make jokes cos they're too lame, and he's incredibly unpopular. I don't know what tenacious means, but if it's a good quality, then he's not. Oh, and he's a Slytherin. That says it all. **

_**Ahem, Mr. Black, did I just hear you making another generalised statement?**_

**Dumbledore?**

_**Professor Dumbledore, Mr. Black.**_

**Oh, shit! I mean, sorry Professor. I'd say I didn't mean it but that would be a dreadful lie, and, uh, you wouldn't want me to lie to the Headmaster would you?**

_**Of course not! Honesty is always the best way to go. Just try not to do that again, Mr. Black.**_

**Yes, sir. **

How on earth did he manage to do that?

**I don't know! He must be secretly tracking me and my discriminatory slurs. **

**You know, there are similarities between you and Regulus. You look similar.**

**Oh no, Wormtail, don't you dare. I am a hundred times better looking than that slimy git. **

_**Well Wormtail's right, you both have the whole tall dark mysterious thing going on. **_

_That's looks-wise. Regulus is more cynical. _

_That's because Sirius is too stupid to even know what the word 'cynical' means._

**Of course I know what cynical means you drawling bastard. And I'm not stupid – I don't hang out with death eaters.**

_**Slytherins are allowed to have friends too, Black. **_

**Yeah but they're all…argh if I say something, Dumbly's going to come back, isn't he?**

_**He is indeed.**_

**Great…that's good to know. This sucks! Regulus is here and I can't even insult him! **

_Well, it was getting a little boring, to be honest. There are only so many times you can call each other bastards and gits and pricks. _

**Oh no, there really isn't. I could go on and on and on…

* * *

**

Regulus: Most say that you are the worse Black brother because of...ahem, future deeds. What do you say to that? (AroundTheClock)

* * *

_Future deeds?_

**Yeah, they mean that you're going to sell people to Voldemort. That's what death eaters do, did you know that? Or did you just join them cos you thought you'd get points for joining a club?**

_Okay Regulus, just ignore your brother for a second._

_He's not my brother._

_Right. Well, okay, ignore Sirius, and answer the question. _

_The worse Black brother…well I'd beg to differ. Firstly, I'm nowhere near as vain, or arrogant as he is. I respect my family, and I don't cause trouble. I don't prank innocent people –_

**As opposed to plotting to KILL innocent people…**

_- and I don't walk around acting like I'm the greatest thing on earth. I'm not a horrible person, I know what you Gryffindors think of Slytherins, but when have I done anything to you? Sirius just holds a grudge against me because our parents never liked him and kicked him out. _

**That was an achievement, thank you very much. I don't look upon that as a punishment. **

_Whatever. You're still hung up about it.

* * *

_

For Lily & Remus (even though I know you aren't gay): Honestly, who is hotter? Sirius or Regulus? (Lady Sarai Black)

* * *

**Moony, come on, I'm more attractive. **

_He's going to tell you that you're 'hotter', because he's your friend and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. _

**No, he'd tell me I was because I ****am****, wouldn't you Moony?**

_Uh…_

**Evans?**

_**I'm not answering that question. **_

Damn right she's not, because I beat both of you out.

_Oh, yes, how could anyone forget, Potter finally tamed the shrew. _

_**Hardly. **_

So you're not willing to admit that you kissed me senseless at the Christmas party? That's okay, because I've just announced it to everybody. Although, how does that twat Regulus know?

_You already 'announced' it every morning in the Great Hall since then. Even when I covered my ears to drown out your whiny voice I couldn't block it out._

I've been doing that?

_**You have.**_

It was just so exciting.

_**I'll bet. **_

Come on, Evans, show a little more enthusiasm, like you did back then…

_**Potter, I was drunk.**_

Oh no you weren't. You can't tell me you get drunk on a single sip of firewhisky. You can't deny it any longer, Evans, you know you want me. And that's okay, because I want you too, especially in that outfit of yours.

_Speaking of outfits, I've seen some rather interesting photos of a certain member of Gryffindor_…

**Okay, that was a dare I'll have you know. I sacrificed my dignity so that Prongs could be with Evans for the night. **

_Mmm and your reputation too it seems. _

_**Oh that was utterly hilarious, Remus do you remember when he tripped down the stairs and his dress flew up?**_

_I'd rather not._

Oh, they were the prettiest pair of pink knickers I've ever seen!

**You're dead, the lot of you.

* * *

**

Sirius, who do you hate the most in your family? (Messrs Padfoot and Prongs)

* * *

_Oh gee what a tough question this is._

**No, it actually is. I'm not sure who I hate more, you or dear old mum. Or Kreacher.**

Oh that house elf of yours is a very courteous bloke.

**Isn't he just? **

Your mother's just as lovely.

**Oh we're all just one big happy family. It's a tough choice though. A toss-up between a screaming banshee, Voldemort's slave and a conniving thieving elf with worse hygiene than Snivellus. **

Well you can count Kreacher out, because he's technically not family.

**That's true. **

So, your mum or Regulus?

**I don't know, maybe mum. My hearing has drastically improved since I got out of earshot of her screaming. Regulus might sneak and mope about but he doesn't talk to me. Mum just constantly screamed bloody murder. **

_**Speaking of screaming, I never want to hear your rendition of the twelve days of Christmas EVER again. **_

**Oh yes, my apologies, I was completely hammered at that point. Did I make it to the end, I can't remember?**

_**I don't know, Remus and I locked ourselves in the bathroom. **_

You were in a bathroom with Remus?!

_**You're telling me you can actually stand the sound of Black singing?**_

Well, no, but I don't see why you had to go in there with _Remus…_did he make a move?

_Prongs, please, be sensible. I'm not Padfoot._

**Yeah, he has no sexual urges whatsoever. He's pretty much an asexual piece of grass. **

Yeah, come on Moony, you were standing in a bathroom with Evans half-naked in that costume of hers, what were you thinking?

_**We were talking about Christmas traditions, actually. Not everyone has their mind in the gutter, Potter. **_

Well, if it had been me in there with you, Evans, we could've started that new tradition we were speaking of the other day…mind you, we almost got there…

_**Potter…**_

You know what the best thing is? You had no excuse. You weren't drunk, it wasn't a dare, and you did it completely willingly.

_**Okay fine, I had no excuse. But it was Christmas, and it was a party, and I thought it would cheer me up a bit.**_

**You need cheering up, Evans? Take my advice and come to the master, don't bother with the likes of him. **

Don't even start, Padfoot.

**Sorry.**

Its okay, I'm far too happy to punch you in the face right now.

_Well you might be happy, but it looks like we've got another contender for most wanted by the female population…

* * *

_

To Regulus: I love you! Please go out with me! And, by the way, Sirius, your brother isn't as bad as you want him to be. And you're cute too, but I want Reg before you. Maybe later... Love Julia (LunaEponine)

* * *

**Maybe later?!?!?!?! What am I, a hand-me-down? And that doesn't even work because I'm OLDER than him!**

_Ah, tough luck, looks like being the eldest sibling doesn't get you everything. _

**Oh this is too much! I can't take all these snake lovers! I refuse to answer any more questions! **

_Be that way, I can always take your place, you know, seeing as I'm evidently more 'wanted by the female population.' And I'll continue to answer these questions. To LunaEponine – sure. Unless you're a mudblood. In which case I cannot make exceptions. _

Its okay you can give her to Peter, he'll have anything.

* * *

Regulus: How on earth did a handsome smexy guy like yourself put up with the annoying prick that is Sirius Black for so many years? (Acid Nickels)

* * *

_Oh these questions just keep getting better and better don't they? You know what, I don't know what I did to deserve that. And the thing is, I don't put up with him. I ignore him, its far easier when he's no longer around, anyway. _

_**What about at school though?**_

_Ah the mudblood speaks again. _

I'm warning you Regulus, stop calling her that!

_Alright, four eyes, relax. It's simply a term. Anyway, believe it or not, he was not always an annoying prick. He came in handy when I wanted flying lessons, and he knew how to sneak out under mum's nose whenever I wanted a bit of firewhisky. But then, he met you Gryffindor lot. _

Right, so you're saying we're a bad influence?

_Of course. Or it could be inherently in his nature, after all, he did get sorted into Gryffindor in the first place. _

_**You know what I think, Regulus?**_

_No, and I don't particularly care either. _

_**I think that secretly you're hung up about the fact that Sirius got into Gryffindor. **_

_And they say you're intelligent…_

_**No, I'm serious. I mean, okay I'm not your brother's biggest fan, but he's popular, he's funny, if totally arrogant. I'm thinking that you grew up in his shadow, and that somehow you've felt like joining the death eaters for some sort of escape…maybe to feel important, or something. **_

_That's your evaluation?_

_**Yes.**_

_That I'm subconsciously jealous of my older brother because he's more popular than me?_

_**Well, something like that. I've got a good question for you, too:

* * *

**_

How does it feel to constantly be compared to your brother? (sirius-severus-lover)

* * *

_Oh please. _

**Why would you even bother trying to compare us? There is no point of comparison.**

_**But people do compare you, don't they? I mean, you must know that. **_

**Well of course. Usually it's 'I can't believe Regulus is your brother, you're so much better looking than he is!'**

_Well for me, its generally 'I can't believe Sirius is your brother, he hangs out with mudblood scum.'_

**Well frankly I'd much prefer to be me than you.**

_That's because you're in love with yourself. You'd prefer to be you over anyone._

**Oh gee, you know **_**so**_** much about me don't you, considering we never speak. **

_I know enough. _

**Well how about this: you're a little rat who's too scared to stick up for what's right so buries himself in the dark arts in the hope that Lord Voldy will take pity on him.**

_Oh how perceptive of you. _

**Well, I just can't seem to understand how you can stand mum and her pureblood crap. It's a load of bollocks if you ask me, and I know you never really believed her, you were just too scared.**

_Right, so I'm the scaredy-cat and you're some big hero or something?_

**Yeah, pretty much. **

_Pity you're gay, otherwise you might just be able to pull it off._

**Lay off with the homosexual accusations! **

**Okay both of you, just SHUT UP!!!!**

Woah, Wormtail...I'd forgotten you were there!

* * *

All: if you could kill any student, which one would you kill? (Voldy's Worst Nightmare)

* * *

**Oh, take a blind STAB in the dark!**

_You want to kill me over something you know is true?_

_I really hope it isn't true…for my sake at least. _

Well I guess we know Padfoot's answer. I reckon I'd have to go with old Snivellus.

**He runs a close second. **

How about you Regulus old pal?

_I'll be different and go with Lockhart. He pisses me off like no one else. _

_**He means well. **_

_His ego is bigger than Mr. 'Ego' Black himself. _

That is actually true. How about you Remus, who would you kill?

_Oh I don't know, I'm not a violent person, really._

_**Yeah it's a bit of a horrible question to ask yourself. **_

**Wormtail?**

**Uh…I'm not a violent person either, really…**

**WORMTAIL! I need some support here! **

**Okay, okay, umm…some Slytherin scum, I guess. Because…they're all…snakes. Yeah, that's right. **

**That's better. Hey, can we like commit a mass murder or something? Why does it have to be one student? I vote we drown all Slytherins in the lake! **

_**Black, you know Professor Dumbledore is going to show up if you keep going on like that.**_

**He can't stalk me constantly, you know, he has Headmaster duties to perform. **

_**Mr. Black, my headmaster duties consist of more than making tedious speeches in the great hall. **_

**I should just…not speak. **

_Oh joy to the world!

* * *

_

To Sirius: Has your sanity ever been tested...medically tested?...cause I believe there is something screwed up in that head of yours. (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

_He could be medically tested, but it would be impossible to give him a diagnosis. There is just so much wrong with him._

**Shut your face, slimeball. I am perfectly sane, thank you very much. There is nothing 'screwed up' about my head. It's ****him**** you should be directing that question towards. **

_For our readers who can't actually see who Padfoot is gesturing to rather rudely right now, he's referring to Regulus. _

**I see no need to say his name. **

_He forgets it, you see. _

**I wish that were possible.

* * *

**

Regulus: Which of Sirius' friends do you hate the most and why do you hate them so much? (Sweet Sadie)

* * *

_Well, there's another tough question. Potter, of course._

**What've you got against Potter? Oh, I know, exactly the same thing you have against me. He's popular, good at Quidditch and he gets the girls. Everything you're not. **

_Oh yes, I am insanely jealous of Potter. I wish I could be rejected with verbal abuse every single day of my life. In fact, life's just not worth living, I should crawl into a hole and die. _

**That would make my day!**

It's called denial, Regulus. I know she wants me, so does she. She just won't admit it. Even after she's snogged me.

_**Potter, I do not **_**want**_** you! **_

That's not what you said at the Christmas party, darling.

_**I was inebriated. I could have invited you to a mass lesbian orgy where I would be pole dancing topless, Potter. **_

Would you now?

**Evans, you can't do both of those at the same time. **

_**What?**_

**Pole dance topless whilst participating in a mass lesbian orgy.**

Well technically, you could. If they were all pole dancing topless.

_**I think you're both missing the point. **_

**Evans, you gave me a rather attractive mental picture there, don't ruin it by continuing to lie to yourself about wanting our friend Prongs. **

Yeah just…shut up for a second Evans…I'm trying to picture you pole dancing topless…

_Oh snap out of it you horny bastards, leave Lily alone. Although, Lily I must say that wasn't a very smart move. If you want to make an analogy, make it something of a non-sexual nature. _

Moony, it's cos she secretly wants me to think about her like that. Why else would she make that analogy?

_**Okay, I think I'm going to follow Sirius' lead and just shut up. Although he hasn't really succeeded in doing that. **_

**Well, it's a bit difficult for me. I enjoy talking.**

_He enjoys hearing the sound of his own voice. _

**I have a nice voice. It's deep and resonating, and makes girls faint.**

_Because they feel nauseated. _

**Oh shut up too, you whom I do not wish to acknowledge as a blood relation!

* * *

**

James: I have to sit next to some annoying little idiot (And NO, Lily, he's not like James, he's a lot less mature for one thing...) and he constantly asks me personal questions like "What colour is your bra?", "Do you even wear a bra?" and "What's your bra size?" I've tried everything from death threats and threats to 'relieve him of his manhood'(Lily , you know what I mean if they don't, can you explain it to them?) neither of which have worked. I just can't get him off my back (NO SICK REFERENCES PLEASE GUYS!) any suggestions? (Voldy's Worst Nightmare)

* * *

Sounds like this guy wants to see you pole dancing topless.

_**God, Potter, just shut up!**_

Well isn't it obvious? Why else would he be interested in her bra?

**The guy sounds fairly persistant. Maybe you should just take your top off for him, relieve him of his inner torment. **

_**Inner torment? What about the poor girl who has to endure his relentless sexual innuendos and personal questions?**_

Well Lilykins, she's like you, and secretly loves this guy but won't admit it.

_Or maybe she has someone else she'd much rather spend her time with and he pisses her off to no end. _

Nah, that's definitely not it. The answer to this dilemma lies in giving in to desire and proclaiming her inner love for him.

_**Potter, I commend you for actually answering a question for once. But that's really not the answer. Ignoring the guy will make him stop. **_

And you would know this how? You never succeed in ignoring me.

_**That's because you just don't **_**give up**_**, Potter. I've tried. **_

There's a reason you keep failing, Evans. No matter how hard you 'try' you can't ignore me completely because you love me too much. Think about it, if I stopped incessantly asking you out, you'd be lost. Your life would not be the same.

_**My life would be better. It would lack the annoying presence that is **_**you!

* * *

**

To James: Do you wanna go out? Although you are a Douche toward Snape I will still date you. (It will help make Lily jealous) (LilyHeartsMarauders)

* * *

_**Oh here we go again. Let's get an update on the tally for who is the 'most wanted' Marauder! Oh gosh, I can barely contain my excitement!**_

Danfan789, as much as I appreciate the offer, I'll have to decline. I'm still holding out for Evans here, and she's playing a little hard to get. Won't say no to a quick snog though.

_**Oh you are unbelievable! So much for the crap you were giving me at the Christmas party. "Evans I'm a changed man, you're the only girl for me, I'm past my womanizing days bla bla bla". **_

Didn't realise you cared so much.

_**Well you were obviously lying, weren't you? **_

No, I haven't snogged a girl in two months.

_**Yes you have.**_

No, I haven't! Honest to god, I swear Evans, ask anyone! Ask Padfoot, or Moony, they'll tell you. I've been killing myself, it's not easy you know, it's hard to control myself…

_**Potter, you have snogged a girl in the past two months. **_

Evans, I don't know what I have to do to prove it to you –

_**- oh for god's sake, Potter, you snogged me. At the Christmas party. But that's obviously such a distant and insignificant memory for you isn't it. **_

**Nice one, Prongs.**

No, I didn't mean it like that! I meant…apart from you…you're the only one I want to…

_**Save it, Potter, it's alright. It's not like you've crushed me with a ton of bricks. **_

Oh, no, I guess I wouldn't. Because you don't give a shit about me. And you're so uptight and ignorant that you're ignoring what's right there in front of you. But if you're going to continue to do that, to continue to act like we're in first year and I'm still an immature prick who pulls pranks on you, then I'm over this. It's not worth it, you got my hopes up, you really did. But I see now it obviously didn't mean anything to you.

_**Potter…**_

I can't do this. All these people asking questions about you and me, and you cut me down constantly – 'no I hate Potter he's an arrogant prick.' I answer honestly, every time. And I'll answer one last question:

* * *

Prongs - Was your date with Lily all that you thought it would be? (Tearlit)

* * *

It was. It was better. And when you kissed me I died and went to heaven – I'll admit it. But I guess it amounted to nothing.

…

**D'you reckon he'll be back?**

_Yeah, he'll come back. It wouldn't be the Marauders Guide to Life without him, after all. And Lily will go talk to him, won't you?_

_**Uh…**_

_To be honest, Lily, your constant fighting with James is getting old now. He's tried to grow up, I think you should too. _

**Yeah, he's a good guy Evans. And…I've never kissed a girl I didn't have feelings for, even if I was drunk. The 'feelings' may have been purely physical, mind you, but they were there every time. You obviously feel something for him. **

_So you had feelings for you cousin, then? Oh and does the same go for guys, too? Cos that would mean Lockhart –_

**- do you remember that question about which student we would rather kill?

* * *

**

A question for Reg, "Do you and your brother share similar taste in girls? (I LOVE YOU REGULUS!)" You're brilliant! (cellogurl13)

* * *

_No, he prefers the men. _

**Regulus couldn't get a girl if he tried.**

_Oh please, there are more important things than ensuring I have a bed buddy every night. _

_Oh there's not one every night._

_I was merely making a point. _

**Well there are probably more important things. **

_But you just prefer to concentrate on increasing your tally of the number of women you've bedded. _

**Okay, am I gay or am I not? Make up your mind!**

_You tell me._

**No!**

_No you won't tell me, or no you're not gay?_

**No I'm not gay! And this joke's getting old now so just…go away!**

_Sorry Padfoot, but I doubt the joke's going to get old for a while considering your outfit at the Christmas party…_

**That was Evans' fault. **

_**Well, I had to get back at you for mine. **_

**I was HELPING you!**

_**Black, your idea of 'helping' involves much pain and humiliation. Thought it was only fair I 'help' you back.**_

**Well don't help me again! Your outfit was hot, I had to dress in drag! **

_And it was hilarious, if a bit nauseating. I'm just glad that the shocking effect of the outfit made everyone forget that we came as partners. _

_Oh I knew you guys were gay. _

_No! It was a dare!_

_Mmhmm, that's what you say. Next thing you know you'll be best buddies with Gilderoy Lockhart.

* * *

_

Suggestions/comments/questions welcome!

Once again thanks go to my wonderful readers & reviewers. I know you're suppose to write your stories for yourself and not the reviewers, but this story is different. Thanks for giving me motivation to keep writing, I need it sometimes.

I hope I've been able to keep up with everyone's pen name changes, I noticed there were a few! Anyway thanks espesh to these people for their reviews:

**MakingsexyBlack-SiriusBlack**

**ChainofEvents1265**

**IceSnowAndGlamour**

**AroundTheClock**

**luvnmarauders**

**LilyHeartsMarauders**

**Rider Arya Svit-kona**

**Messrs Padfoot and Prongs**

**bored2death**

**MrsSiriusBlack4eva**

**Queen Islanzadi**

**Ozoh the Wise**

**Lola-LessThanThree**

**Voldy's Worst Nightmare**

**Mood Tech Pshyche and Balance**

**Ultimate Lover Harry-Hermione**

**Tearlit**

**Artemis Black1592**

**Dizrythmia Chook**

**debzzz**

**rebornandrenewed**

**Acid Nickels **

**sirius-severus-lover**

**cellogurl13**

**GryffindorAtHeart**

**wideeyeddreamer080**

**Aragorn's elf**


	13. Chapter 13

Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter, even though I'd taken a million years to update: **Jessiz, LupinLycanLover, Queen Islanzadi, Lady Sarai Black, debzzz, Messrs Padfoot and Prongs, luvnmarauders, GryffindorAtHeart, Lola-LessThanThree, Voldy's Worst Nightmare, Ajariel the Bloody, Tearlit, Ozoh the Wise, LilyHeartsMarauders, AroundTheClock** and **Rider Arya Svit-kona. **I love you all!

**

* * *

**

**Installment 13**

James

**Sirius**

_Remus_

**Peter**

_**Lily**_

_Snape_ (won't appear much in this chapter)

_**Dumbledore **_(won't appear much in this chapter)

* * *

What do you wear to a valentines ball? P.S. I love Snape! Sexy XD (wannariskit)

* * *

**Well it's a bit late, if you ask me, to be asking this question. And unhelpful, seeing as they could be either male or female. **

_**I didn't even know there were such things as Valentine's Balls. If you ask me, Valentine's Day is a little over the top. And insanely annoying.**_

**Now now Lilykins, you wouldn't be saying that if you had someone special to share it with. Why so bitter? Didn't James make some sort of significant gesture to proclaim his undying love for you?**

_**No, he decided it would be the perfect opportunity to snog Gwendolyn. **_

Oh come on Evans, she kissed me, I was practically falling over myself trying to get away!

_**The point is you got yourself into that situation in the first place.**_

She ambushed me from behind a classroom door!

_Okay just…calm down, James and Lily, you can work this out some other time, we have questions that need answering. _

Well I'd rather Evans didn't just assume that I willingly go around kissing girls I'm not dating on Valentine's Day!

**That's what I do every Valentine's Day…and sometimes on other days as well. And James and Lily aren't even dating anyway, right?**

Er…

_**Right. So there's OBVIOUSLY no harm in what James did at all, hmm?**_

**Well, I hate to state the obvious but…no, there wasn't. Unless there's something you two aren't telling me…**

**Yeah that time when both of you left the great hall like five seconds apart from one another, both claiming to be working on 'charms homework'…a bit suss. **

**Oh my god! You two are shagging!**

_**We are NOT shagging. Why would I want to shag someone like him?**_

Well plenty of other people want to, why shouldn't you?

_**Oh you think you're so perfect, don't you Potter? The day I shag you will be –**_

--today?

_**You wish. **_

_Valentine's Balls, everyone! What does one wear to them???_

**Did you just say Valentine's balls?**

_The dancing kind, not the genital kind. _

**Well I'm sure Valentine has plenty of balls, that sly seducer that he is. **

You know he's probably really hideous. He matchmakes other people, its not as though he needs to be good looking himself.

**That's true. Good idea for an outfit though, coming as him. Whatever he looks like. I'll just slug some arrows over my shoulder and cover myself with a loincloth.**

_**That's hardly covering yourself, Black.**_

**Would you rather I didn't at all?**

_**No, no, the loincloth is good!**_

**I reckon girls should all do the same. Now I'm no expert in women's clothing but I'd say just a loincloth would be the way to go. **

_**Perhaps if we were at a brothel. **_

**Nah, I'd rather just see you dressed like that for free, Evans. And Prongs too…although he'd pay, I'm sure.

* * *

**

Lily: What exactly is bad about a bullying toerag? Quite a lot of women find that attractive... Mainly me and my friends. BUT OKAY. (Jessiz)

* * *

_Yeah, it seems the entire female population at Hogwarts is delusional. _

Oh, Snivellus, they just appreciate good looks when they see them.

_**No, I agree with Severus, I think they're delusional. Besides, what does looks have to do with anything? A bullying toerag is a bullying toerag, whether he's a good-looking one or not. **_

So am I of the good-looking variety, or the drop-dead gorgeous variety?

_**You are of the insanely annoying variety. And what is wrong with bullying toerags, Jessiz, is that they toy with people for fun. They torment them excessively, have their fun, and then they turn around and move on to their next victim. And don't care at all how anyone feels about it, they just think its entertaining. Aesthetically, perhaps, Potter may be considered 'attractive' by certain people, however, internally, he is about as attractive as a shriveled prune.**_

**Well that's a pleasant image.

* * *

**

To James: I just wanted to give you some advice...just relax. Lily will come around eventually...you just got to give it some time. Sometimes us girls don't know what we need or want and it takes a while for it to sink in that what we want is right in front of us. (LupinLycanLover)

* * *

_**Who's this person to give advice on when I will come around? **_

Well, I may be wrong, Evans, but I think this person is, in fact, someone who can read your inner thoughts perfectly.

**Or…it's Remus…in disguise.**

_What? Why would I write in anonymously like that?_

**Well, the pen name is very…you. And you and Evans have been having some rather secretive conversations lately. Are you sure she hasn't been confiding to you her secret lust for Prongs and you decided to help them both out by sending in a question?**

_Wow, you have used your deduction skills here, haven't you. Yes, Lily, who has lately told me that she secretly wants to tie James up and have her way with him, persuaded me to write an anonymous letter, which has about a 20 per cent chance of being answered, and if answered, has about a 1 per cent chance of being answered __seriously__, so that James would assume that it was actually someone writing in who knew her so well that they were partial to her most private inner thoughts, and then would tell Lily that, who would then announce her undying love for him to all our readers and they'd live happily ever after. _

**Well, I see no problem with that. **

I can. Evans would never announce anything like that.

_**Damn right. **_

_Oh, gee, well it looks like my plan failed. _

**Yeah, Moony, I think it did. Maybe you should try writing in as Lily next time, maybe that would be more believable?**

_Yes, what an intuitive suggestion. Or, how about a better idea…__you__ do it! Seeing as I'm so inept at this whole pretending to be someone I'm not thing. _

**Yeah, if you're going to do that, Moony, you should use a pen name like SiriusIsHOT!, or SiriusBlackfangurl10999992816429 (cos that's how many there are). **

_Oh, right, of course. Good advice.

* * *

_

Sirius, what (hypothetically of course) would you do if Remus was actually in love with you? (RhiannonVega)

* * *

_Well, first of all, I'd have sent in an anonymous question using the pen name __**SiriusBlackIsLikeTotallyTheHottestGuyAtHogwarts930**__ telling Padfoot that I'm secretly in love with him and that he should ask me out on a romantic date. _

**Oh that's a good one! I'll use that next time I write in with a question! I mean…not that I do that, of course…**

Of course…

**But hey, ****if**** Moony was in love with me? He ****is**** in love with me. And I keep just having to fend him off with a stick. Don't stick too close old pal, I'm a little on the homophobic side! **

_You? Homophobic? Give me a break. You're the one who makes advances on me!_

**I do not!**

_And your hair is way to nice to belong to someone completely straight. _

**No, I'm just hygienic. Something you could possibly learn from, wolf boy. **

_Oh come on, don't even go there, there is nothing I can possibly do about hygiene when I –_

**Alright alright, enough uh…excuses…**

_**Wolf boy? What's with all these wolf connotations? There was the pen name, too, that lycan lover one. What's that got to do with Remus?**_

**Evans, dear, we've told you before, he has a serious problem with his hair. It's disgusting, if you ask me. Just filthy. **

_**So, he only washes it twice a week as opposed to three times a day like you?**_

**Uh yeah…basically. That's it. **

_**Besides, I wouldn't exactly call you hygienic, Black. You eat like a ravenous hyena. And how many arses do you grab a day?**_

**Okay this is extremely off topic here. My eating habits have nothing to do with my sexuality. And it's not like I grab them underneath the material! It's perfectly hygienic. Unless, of course, I was grabbing Snivellus's arse. **

_Oh don't even think about that, Black._

**Well, I was, and then I vomited in my mouth. So I'll try not to again.

* * *

**

To Remus/Lily: How can you study well? I'm trying, but I have the attention span of a hummingbird. (Fortunately though, I get sort of lucky and pass some exams with the highest marks, thanks to sort-of natural abilities. James, Sirius, I blame your ego rubbing against me.) (Rebornandrenewed)

* * *

**I'm offended that you only directed this question at Moony and Evans!**

Nah, we shouldn't be offended, Pads. It's because we're so smart we get good grades without having to study at all. People like them have to…work.

**Ergh. Work, why would you bother?**

It's what people do when they're dumb.

**Oh. Well not only is this person dumb, they're also rather horny. Can you see the subtle messages in this question? They're trying to get Moony and Evans to sleep with them!**

No, Pads, I think they're asking for study tips…

**Yeah, 'study' tips. It's the whole 'oh Sirius, I'm having so much trouble in Charms and you're SO good at it, I was wondering if I could have a little one on one session with you…in the astronomy tower'. **

Don't you think it's a bit weird them wanting both Moony and Evans to sleep with them?

**Well some people's minds are warped, Prongs. I personally don't rule out threesomes myself you know. Look at the way they've even directed the question: 'Remus/Lily' – they obviously don't have a particular preference! And there are references such as 'get lucky', 'hummingbird' and 'rubbing against me'. Now, if that's not sexual I don't know what is. **

_**I don't even want to ask what hummingbird is a reference to.**_

Yeah, what is it a reference to? Cos I sure have no idea.

**Oh, it's sexual. Trust me. **

_Righteo, onto studying habits! Lily, what are your tips for success?_

_**Well, I don't have the attention span of a 'hummingbird', so I just work hard, and try to study where there's not many people around. **_

How about we get together for a little one-on-one tutoring session when there's not too many people around, eh Evans?

_**Another tip: don't have one-on-one tutoring sessions with horny teenage boys. **_

**Oh no don't tell them that! Half my sex life stems from one on one tutoring sessions!**

_**That's too bad. What about you, Remus?**_

_Well I think sometimes group discussions are good, it can help you see things from other perspectives, and if you have a short attention span working by yourself, working with other people can seem more social, but its still productive. _

**Studying in groups, eh? Didn't know you were into that. Good idea though, I might try it out.

* * *

**

James: How did you come up with saying Remus's furry little problem instead of saying what it actually is in public? (Rider Arya Svit-kona)

* * *

Well, talking about how Moony has to shave his entire body every day to prevent himself from looking like a gorilla doesn't sound too attractive.

_**Potter, I really doubt that Remus has to shave every day. Are you sure his furry little problem doesn't refer to something else?**_

No, he really does. Don't you, Moony?

_Yeah, it's a rather unfortunate result of having this…thing that I have…_

**Disease. **

_Well, actually it's more of a condition. It's a little inconvenient, but I've learned to live with it. _

_**What's it called?**_

Uh…veri hairyosis.

_Or, werewolfosis, perhaps?_

**Don't be absurd! That doesn't even exist!**

_And 'veri hairyosis' does?_

**Obviously, he has it!

* * *

**

If you could, would you wear a mask all the time and NOBODY would know who you are? (IceSnowAndGlamour)

* * *

**Why on earth would I want to cover up this gorgeous face?**

_**Black, you just need one to cover your mouth. **_

**As long as I can use my eyes and hands, I won't need it baby…-wink-**

_**You're such a pervert.**_

Evans I hope you never wear a mask, I want to be able to look at that beautiful face of yours forever.

_**Take a photo, Potter, it'll last longer.**_

Now that's an original line.

_**It's the truth. **_

Not if I have my way.

_Haven't either of you ever wanted to be someone else though? Ever? As in, figuratively put on a mask?_

Yeah, whoever Evans's boyfriend was at the time.

**Nope. **

_Padfoot, you're hopeless. Are you honestly so self-absorbed you'd never consider what it would be like being someone else? _

**Well, sometimes I think about it. But then I realise that I'm just so much better anyway, so there's no point wanting something you already have. **

_**Ever heard of the expression wanting something you **__**can't**__** have?**_

**Yeah but it doesn't apply to me. I've got it all, baby. **

_Except the modesty.

* * *

_

What is your deepest desire? (James and Snape, you can't answer because we both know what you want) (ChainOfEvents1265)

* * *

_Okay I have an idea, seeing as all our answers tend to go on for pages and pages, consisting more of arguments than actual responses. So each person has to give their answer, one after the other. _

_**That sounds alright. Nice and straightforward. Maybe we can make a habit of it. **_

Evans, you do a lot of the arguing yourself.

_**Well, maybe if you weren't around then I wouldn't have anyone to provoke me. **_

And what do I provoke in you, Evans? Lust? Desire? Passion…

_**I select option D: none of the above. **_

I believe option D is usually 'all of the above'.

_**Not in this case. **_

_Alright guys, deepest desire…_

Evans.

_Prongs, you're not allowed to answer. And Severus, neither are you, apparently. _

Yeah let me guess…Evans.

_Yes Potter, my deepest desire is to procreate with a mudblood. _

Don't call her that!

_Save it for later, please._

**My my, Moony you're being rather domineering today. **

_Well I'm frustrated. _

**Time of the month eh?**

_**Oh shut up, Black. **_

_Alright, I'll continue! And give a serious answer, for once. My deepest desire is…to be accepted for who I am and not be judged for it. _

_**That is deep, Remus. And who are you really? Not a mass murderer I hope?!**_

_No, not quite. Haha, not far off though, mind you..._

**Moony, we accept you for who you really are! **

_I'm not talking about you, you're my friends. I'm talking about other people. _

_Why would anyone accept you for what you are? You're a monstrosity. _

_**Severus! Why would you say something like that about Remus? He's one of the nicest people I know! **_

_Well, maybe you don't know him all that well._

_Don't listen to him, Lily. _

_**At least Resmus isn't afraid to actually answer the question. What's your answer, Sev? **_

_I don't have deep dark desires. Unlike some…_

**Snivellus, we all know you've been pining over Evans for years, just like Prongs here. **

_**What's your deepest desire, Black? I'm interested. **_

**Sorry, Evans, it's not you. Although you'd probably be on my list of desires in general, if Prongs here didn't already want you. **

_**No, I'm actually interested, what is it?**_

**Well, I guess having a better family would be nice. The Potters are great, but…sometimes I wish that they actually **_**were**_** my family. Either that or for people to think of me differently. **

_**I thought you liked the way people thought of you…the sex god of Hogwarts!! What could be better, right?**_

**Well, that's all very well and good. But there's the general belief that I use girls for fun and dispose of them, and that I'm incredibly stupid, when in actual fact I do alright for the amount of effort I put in. **

_**Well, I must admit, I am a believer of the former. I can see you're not stupid, though. **_

**I don't use girls, Evans. I just don't do relationships, and I tell everyone that. But they always seem to ignore it at the time. They seem to think I'll change my mind.**

_**And why don't you 'do' relationships?**_

**Because I don't like anyone enough to have one, really. Prongs is lucky, if I had someone like you I was pining after, maybe I'd be a relationship guy. **

_**Pfft! Potter is not a relationship guy. **_

How do you know? Have you been in a relationship with me? I'm a teenage guy, Evans. If I can't get the one I want, I distract myself with others until she notices me. They're only substitutes.

_**I wonder how they feel about that. **_

Well, admittedly it's not fair to them. But if you gave me a chance I wouldn't have to do that anymore.

_**You want me to go out with you in order to stop you from hurting other girls?**_

No, I want you to go out with me because I'm in love with you.

_**What? Potter…**_

I love you, Lily. I want to be with you. And to be honest I don't care if we argue nonstop, so long as there can be at least a part of my day when I can hold you without knowing that you're going to push me away.

**Blimey. **

_**Potter, I don't love you. **_

I know that.

_**I hate you. **_

I know.

_**But I like arguing with you. **_

Right.

_**And Remus' logic is that I like doing **__**something**__** with you, therefore I must like **__**you.**_

You know, Remus is a very intelligent guy. He comes up with some pretty accurate theories.

_**I don't believe him.**_

No, no, of course you don't.

_**I don't think I like you because I like arguing with you. But I do think I like you.**_

Because?

_**Well, like Sirius, my deepest desire is to be seen differently by people. And I think you see me a lot better than other people do. I mean, you seem to know everything about me, things that even my closest friends don't know. **_

Ok, so you like me because I'm a stalker?

_**No you prat. I…oh this is so irritating, I'm trying to tell you something and you can't even be serious about it!**_

Lily, I'm sorry, really. Please, keep going. I'm just not used to you talking like this, I find it incredibly hard to believe you're not just leading me on so you can laugh in my face afterwards.

_**I've been horrible to you, haven't I?**_

Well, I can't say I didn't enjoy winding you up. But I suppose sometimes you are a little…unreasonable.

_**I've screamed at you in front of the entire school, I've thrown you in the lake, I've hexed you about a hundred times, and I've never helped you when you've asked for it. And I've made assumptions about you that aren't true, I know that. I just can't help it, I don't know how to not argue with you. **_

**Well, my intuition tells me the best way to go about that would be…NOT to argue. **

_**How incredibly insightful of you once again, Black. I'm being serious! I've pretended to hate you for so long that I don't know how to act any differently. **_

You can always just give it a try. Even if you decide you don't like me after all, all I want is for you to give me a chance to prove you wrong. And I'll try my best. And at least then, even if I do lose you, I'll know that I had the opportunity. But not having a chance at all…well, I'll never know what it might've been like.

_**Alright. I'll give you a chance, Potter. But no overt public displays affection, bragging to the great hall at breakfast, pranking people who've done nothing to you, kissing of other girls, or copying my homework. Got it?**_

Yes. Lily –

_**Oh, and I'll give you a month. If I decide you can't stick to those rules, then it's over. **_

Can I just ask –

_**-- no, Potter, Slytherins do not count as having 'done' something to you just for being sorted into that house.**_

No, I was going to ask something else.

_**No, you also cannot announce it to the Gryffindor common room. **_

Oh Evans, you know I'm doing that anyway. But it wasn't that either.

_**Then what in merlin's name was it?**_

What are the rules on private displays of affection?

_**Potter!!!

* * *

**_

Sirius: How many females have you dated since you first started at Hogwarts? I mean, there can't be that many left for you to date at the rate you're going... (AroundTheClock)

* * *

**Yeah I'm in the process of recycling at the moment…**

_**How lovely. **_

**I was kidding! But I've been checking out the fifth years…**

_Fifth years? They're two years younger than us!_

**Yes but Moony, don't forget that fifth year is the year that everyone is on the prowl. And girls love older men, don't they? It's perfect. Plus, I've already exhausted the sixth years.**

_And what happens once you've done the same to the fifth years? You'll move down to __fourth years?!_

**Oh heavens no! How could you even suggest that? Way too young for me. **

_**So how many has it been, exactly?**_

**I don't know, I don't keep track. So far this year, I'd say no more than seven.**

_And that's in the first two months. Oh boy. _

**Yes but Moony, they were sixth years. I haven't even started on the fifth years yet! And don't forget the Beauxbatons students who are coming in April on exchange. I'd exchange with them any time…**

**What happens when the girls run out?**

**I don't think about that. It's too depressing. **

_The reason they haven't run out yet is because in between he does guys. _

**I do not do guys!**

_We'll see what Lockhart has to say when he joins you next week, hmm? _

**As if I'd do that lunatic, even if I were gay. **

_**He does have a point there. I find him a little…strange. **_

Yes, _dreadful_ self esteem.

_Oh, he's alright. He's nice enough. And you all best be nice to him when he does come. I'm sick of all these arguments. _

**Well, now Prongs and Evans won't be arguing so that's pretty much 95 per cent of arguments eliminated. Ah, I'm gonna miss that…

* * *

**

How do you deal with people you have no respect for, without being violent? (Ajariel the Bloody)

* * *

_**Well that's not difficult, really. I don't find the need to get violent just because I don't respect someone. **_

But what if they're your friend? It'd be a bit hard hanging around them all the time without dealing with the fact you have different opinions.

**Alright Prongs, which of us do you not respect? **

I'm not talking about you guys! I'm being…hypothetical.

**Oh here we go, another 'hypothetical question', with a hypothetical answer. **

_**Well I don't necessarily respect some of the things my friends do. Being provocative is something I don't really respect in people. But that's a matter of choice, I don't judge my friends for being that way. **_

_I think Lily has a point. I think you have to learn to respect people's decisions and actions, and that's the best way of dealing with it. Unless the way they act is disrespectful to others, or harmful. _

**How about Slytherins? How do I deal with them without being violent?**

_Well, that just illustrates the difference between not respecting someone because of who they are, and not respecting someone because they are actually a bad person. _

**Slytherins are bad people. **

_**Yes but you group them all together, as if they all are. I'm sure some Slytherins are right little prats, Black, and if they do something that makes you disrespect them then that's fair enough, but if they just happen to be walking along the corridor…that's different. **_

**What if they're just walking along the corridor but you know for a fact that in the next Quidditch match they're going to chuck a couple of bludgers towards the seeker so they get concussed and your team loses the match?**

_**How can you possibly know that?**_

**They try it every time. And there's no point saying not to use violence, because it's the only thing they respond to, and the only thing they know how to do. **

_Sure you're not just describing yourself there, Black?_

**Shut up, Snivellus. I have no respect for you, and I'll certainly deal with that…WITH violence. **

_**Mr. Black, you are well aware that Hogwarts does not endorse violence within school premises, and also certainly outside those as well?**_

**Of course, Professor. I would never willingly inflict violence upon a fellow schoolmate. **

_**I would hope not! I hear your brother has just been given a detention for cursing a third year Ravenclaw, he's currently cleaning out the dungeons with a toothbrush, I believe. I don't suppose you'd want to join him?**_

**Not particularly, Professor. Don't worry, I'll be on my best behaviour!**

_**Oh well, I thought I'd ask just in case. You know, some people enjoy doing that sort of thing! **_

**I can't imagine who. **

_**I remember when I was at school, I often used to enjoy detention. It enabled me valuable thinking time alone. It's hard to think around a school full of people, you know. **_

…**Yes.

* * *

**

To Dumbledore: Look at this lot. Don't you think that sorting wizards into houses at such a young age divides them instead of bringing them together and celebrating school solidarity? Surely you are not blind to the House rivalries. (Ajariel the Bloody)

* * *

_**Well there is always rivalry between people of such high intelligence and capability, it is only human nature. I believe sorting into separate houses allows students to join with others of similar natures and interests, and prepares them for later life, helping them become aware that individuals are different from one another. **_

Don't you ever think that unity would be a better option in such times of division though? I mean, it only reinforces the differences between people, when we should be joining together as one to defeat a common enemy.

_**Mr. Potter, houses or no houses, there will always be division. There will always be groups of people who use certain criteria to differentiate themselves from others, sometimes to define themselves, but also to exclude those who don't meet that criteria. **_

It would be great if the world wasn't like that.

_**It would, but that is a very ignorant hope I'm afraid. I dislike being so blunt, but it is necessary. The housing system here, I believe, allows students to appreciate others for their talents, and respect each other. For instance, a member of Hufflepuff may lack the diligence of a Ravenclaw, but the Ravenclaw would learn to admire the Hufflepuff's dedication, loyalty and friendly nature towards fellow students. Likewise, the Hufflepuff would grow to respect the work ethic of the Ravenclaw, and benefit from their good example. That is why many students exhibit qualities of houses other than their own. **_

**I hate to be discriminatory, Professor, but what can we learn from Slytherins? **

_**Well, I had hoped that you would be able to figure that out for yourself, Mr. Black. But I see it is rather difficult for you, no doubt exacerbated by your relationship with your family. I do hope you will be able to learn to respect others for their traits, as they should respect you for yours. Liking someone and respecting someone, don't forget, are two completely different things. **_

**Well I'll give it a shot, but I can't make any promises! **

_**That's as good as I would hope for from you. **_

**Damn Slytherins. If they weren't so ugly and conniving, this would be a whole lot easier.

* * *

**

Dumbledore: How do you know everything that happens and Hogwarts? Do you actually stalk the students like you do with Sirius? (Ozoh the Wise)

* * *

_**Well it's hard not to keep an eye out on comings and goings. Mostly, I tend to be in the right place at the right time, although often I keep walking and pretend nothing is happening. **__**For instance, the other night, when I was on my way to the kitchens for a midnight snack, I walked right past a fourth year Hufflepuff and a third year Ravenclaw in a rather compromising position against an empty classroom door. However, I did not wish to disturb them, and so continued on my way. **_

**Why can't you just continue on your way when I'm around?**

_**Well, I'm quite sure I've ignored several of yours and Mr. Potter's pranks during your time at Hogwarts. I do feel the need to intervene every so often, of course, for your own good. **_

**But, how do you know when I say things? Or, write things, I should say. **

_**I have my ways, Mr. Black. It's generally just good timing, in most cases. **_

_**Extremely**_** good timing. **

_**Well, after many years as headmaster I've got it down to an art. But I must be going now, I have some letters to write. **_

**Bye, Professor. Until next time I mention what ugly bastards Slytherins are…**

_**Yes I have a feeling you and Regulus will have a bit to talk about next time you meet regarding the disadvantages of cleaning floors with toothbrushes.

* * *

**_Sirius: Has anyone ever got drunk at a party, noticed your hair, thought you were a girl, and tried to kiss you? (Pirlo2112) 

**(A/N: I have a friend with Lucius Malfoy type hair, no joke, and one time he was at the beach, without a shirt on, obviously, and this guy yells out "omg! Topless chick!" And then of course he turns around and they realise it's a guy…so I can actually see this situation happening)

* * *

**Hahaha, this is a fantastic question! Has it ever happened though? 

**No, I don't think so. And if they were drunk, the likelihood is so was I, and so I wouldn't remember anyway. So I'd rely on you to remember for me. **

_Besides you're not really of a very…feminine…build, I doubt anyone would mistake you for a girl anyway. _

…**Is that a compliment, Moony?**

_No! Well, it wasn't an insult, but I was merely commenting on your…never mind. I was not admiring!!!_

**Well, I wouldn't blame you if you were. I certainly do. **

**Someone thought I was a girl once at a party, and tried to kiss me. **

Who was that?

**Lockhart.**

**How did you know?**

**Oh…lucky guess.

* * *

**

Lily: If you had a boyfriend, but your friends don't like him, and he doesn't like your friends and is so possessive, always wanting to know what you're doing etc and wants to shoot your best friend, who happens to be a boy you have NO romantic interest in... what would you do? (Aragorn's Elf)

* * *

Okay let me get this right. This girl has a boyfriend who hates her friends and vice versa, is very possessive, and is jealous of the best friend who happens to be a guy?

_**Yeah I think that's it. **_

Hmm. Difficult boyfriend.

_Yeah if the friends don't like him, he's probably not a great guy. But that's just my opinion. Seems overly possessive and jealous too._

_**Yeah, a little controlling for me. I'd probably talk to him about it firmly and tell him to lighten up, and explain the situation with the best friend, i.e. how I don't like him at all other than as a friend. It'd probably be good to talk about him trying to get on with my friends. I don't think I'd push the whole trying to get him to be friends with my friends thing though, cos that usually just ends up in awkward situations. But I might try hanging out with him and a couple of my friends at a time, see if he gets on with any of them. **_

**See, I'd just move on and find someone a bit more easygoing. **

_**Yes, but she might be very attached to the guy. If he keeps the behaviour up, then obviously you'd need to rethink the relationship. It sometimes comes down to a choice between friends and the boyfriend. And in that case, I would, without a doubt, choose friends. But its very dependent on the situation. **_

**I think you give better advice than me. **

_**That's why she directed the question at me, and not you.

* * *

**_

Say you liked this guy but your mates think that he's way to old for you when in reality there's only a 3 year age gap. I really like this guy and it doesn't do my self esteem any good when my friends constantly tell me that he'll never like me. How do I tell him how I feel without making a fool out of myself. (Milly-Lilly-Pilly)

* * *

**Three years really isn't that much older. **

According to you it is…you refuse to date fourth years!

**Oh yeah, well, that's different. If the girl was three years older than me, I'd go for it. **

_How is that any different?_

**Because the older you get, age gaps don't matter as much. **

I guess it does depend on how old you both are. If this person is, say, thirteen, and the guy is sixteen, then that's a bit weird. But if she was sixteen, and the guy nineteen, that's a bit different.

_**I reckon it's the same with any situation where you like a guy and aren't sure if he likes you. Wait till you get any sort of indication that he likes you and tell him. But if you do genuinely think you're going to get crushed, then just leave it, or it might ruin things. **_

**Well that's not being very spontaneous, is it? What if he likes you but doesn't think you like him? And you live out the remainder of your days in love with each other but unable to express it?**

_**Gosh, that was deep Black! I don't know, I look on the negative side of life. It seems to work for me. **_

You don't get disappointed.

_**Exactly.**_

I tend to look on the brighter side. And you get disappointed, but every so often you do get what you want, and it makes everything so much better.

_**I like my way better.**_

That's alright. My way worked for me.

_Alright let's wrap this installment up, shall we? How about we check up on the tally…_

**Ooh, any more for me?**

_I wish I could say no. But we had Queen Islanzadi who wanted to go to the next party with you, weatherbabe16 who wanted to go on a date with you (but said I was her second choice)…But Ajariel the Bloody said you acted like a shallow prick with no personality. But then again, Lady Sarai Black wants you to know you're still her favourite, and she still loves you. _

**Well, that's good to know. **

_**AroundTheClock seems quite taken with you, Remus: "James: Don't flatter yourself, Remus is my favourite marauder, you have chance up against him…You're amazingly gorgeous and smart and funny…"**_

_Haha yes well, what can I say? _

_**I quite like this one. She said I 'rock hardcore'. **_

**And now Evans gets some points too! Trying to give the rest of us a run for our money, eh?**

Hey, no date offers! You're with me now!

_**We'll see how you go for a month, Potter. Don't get too excited. **_

**Haha, well if you're not allowed to take date offers, I certainly am! All who offered I'll take in turns. There's enough me to go around…**

_**I'm sure they'll love that. Anyway, I'm tired and I still have a Charms essay to finish before tomorrow. **_

**Evans hasn't done her homework?!**

_**No, because I've been hanging around with you twats.**_

Too distracting are we?

_**I feel the need to help out my fellow students. **_

Of course, of course.

_Well, until next time, dear readers, we hope you got something out of this, even if it was a bit of a laugh.

* * *

_

Please leave a review and tell me what you think! I reply to them all, suggestions/criticism is welcome, as are QUESTIONS of course!

GILDEROY LOCKHART WILL BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, DUE TO A REQUEST FROM **debzzz**, SO IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR HIM, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Please note I am starting university this week and I will do my best to update regularly, but I can't make any promises. But there's no way I'm abandoning this so don't worry!!!

**BlackBells**


	14. Chapter 14

Hi everyone,

For those who don't like reading long-winded ANs: **I love writing this story, I have not abandoned it, and will be updating it during my semester break in the next few weeks!**

For those who want a full explanation:

I'm so sorry to disappoint you with an Author's Note, I know how annoying these are!

Most of you have probably realised that its taking me longer and longer to update these days. I recently started university and it's taking a lot more out of me than expected. What with commuting, uni itself, then work afterwards, as well as all the other things I do, I have little time to actually do fun things like write fanfiction. Of course I still read it, but the writing/editing process is often tedious as I'm sure many of you know, and this story for some reason is especially difficult sometimes because I have to make sure I answer certain questions etc.

I'm not giving up on this story, I love writing it and answering all the questions, but unfortunately I just don't have time at the moment to keep updating as often. My mid semester break is coming around in a few weeks though...which means I can update! Hopefully several times! And I apologise profusely to those whose reviews I didn't reply to, i make a point of replying to every single one, but somehow I don't think it happened with the last chapter.

In the mean time before I update (which I absolutely will), if anyone has anything they want me to read/review, let me know, I still have time to read things now and then, and it's the least I can do for your fantastic questions!

Riss :)

P.S. Is anyone else excited about the Twilight movie coming out in December? Cos i freakin am. A girl at uni recently told me that she used to live in the same town as Robert Pattinson. Although I really hate sounding like the 15-year-old girl i once was (and mentally, probably still am)...OMFG!! :)

yes, this is a HP fanfic, but i just wanted to express my utter excitement.


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